The Cascade of the Stars

Walking in the moonlight

Beneath that canopy

The light above is shining

But still I cannot see

My right and left say nothing

My forwards steps are stilled

The breaking of a heart sounds

Like silence in this sea

The cascade of the stars

Reflecting light as diamonds

Falling from the sky

To clear the way for me

If it weren't for weeping

I'd be lost inside this darkness

The cascade of the stars 

Gives me light to see

 - Casey Allen

A Harder Truth and a Longer Fall

I need a dream, I need a focus, I need a purpose- if I lose that, then I lose my hold on life. I'm not satisfied where I am, or where I'm going.

-

God needs you to give up yourself in order to pursue Him, but He doesn't want you to give up your pursuit of Him. If you've already given up you life in deference to His purpose, and if that is the one thing you need to hold on to, then by simple reasoning the conclusion is that you must not give that up. If God's purpose is what is keeping you alive, it's best not to let it go.

 -

That is what is driving me, but the plans I have made are not satisfying to me. What makes it worse is that I constantly attempted to ensure that these were not "my" plans, but plans I made dependent on the doors God was opening. So I made (or am making) a mistake somewhere. Either I have conceived expectations from my own self (and thus, have been deceived), or I have compromised my plans because of difficulties that surfaced (meaning that I simply need to re-focus).

P.S. For those concerned...when I lose focus on God's purpose, then I am distracted by other things that 

       provide purpose - relationships come to mind - and they (the person) become as important to me as 

       the purpose they replace. I say this not in order to reveal something about me as much as to say that if 

       you find yourself clinging to someone like I do, then it's probably time to question whether you are 

       focused on God's will for your life.

I am confused...

I'm at a loss - I want to move forward, but I am being held back. Where is this coming from? Not from God, so it must be within me; I'm taking into consideration something that is confusing my whole focus, and I must determine what that is; am I holding onto something that I should be releasing? Or am I striving for a dream that I should give up? Neither one has a simple solution.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but I'll keep it to myself...

A different perspective

 - Miserabile Visu by Anberlin

Music is a gift - not because it makes us happy or brings us joy, but because it is a form of art.   

Polarity of our Minds

I love to listen to people talk; to hear the chain of their thoughts and to understand how they think. The mind is predictable and I enjoy being able to identify and predict patterns of mental behavior. I don't know why I find it humorous, but it causes me to chuckle when I perceive what is going on in the mind of a person - perhaps it is humorous because it is expected, just as children find humor in what they expect. As one person talks and relates to another there is a process of mental actions that takes place as prompted by the input from the other person. It is a very simple process of cause and effect, and it is quite generically applicable from one person to another - and reasoning back from effect to cause is a simple task, very similar to diagnosing the cause of an engine malfunction on a car. I am not comparing minds and cars as thought they are similar, because they are not - even remotely. But specific effects are tied to specific causes, and its pretty much the same for all people - after all we are all human.
This is useful. For one can utilize an understanding of the human mind to address issues that are caused by dysfunctional thought processes. The majority of dysfunction, both personally and relationally, can be traced to a dysfunction in the mental process. And the most common cause for a dysfunction in the mental process is emotional pain and confusion - an imbalance of critical elements of love and purpose. But one cannot simply address the root of the problem, the mind is too protective for that. A "road" has to be made into the mind, a process of reasoning that is understood. It's kind of like storming a castle, except its lacking the violence - you have to disarm the defenses by addressing the mental processes of protection, and, each time a new barrier is erected, to work out to remove it before moving on.
What is most important is to not take anything from the other person personally, because it isn't. It is simply the cause/effect response of the mind trying to disregard your input and protect itself. Minds have a hold on people - and it is not often noticed. But the minds are not thinking for themselves, they are simply responding as they have been programmed - and we are the ones that program our minds. It's such a subtle process that deceit is very common. We are unaware of how we are influencing our own minds, and also unaware of how our minds are then influencing us. Know that old phrase "Garbage in, garbage out"? Yup, that's a very real reality, what we focus on "magnetizes" our mind and then that magnetization bends us.
So really what we must try to do in counseling a person is to re-magnetize their minds, which only must be done if a previous magnetization is evidently dysfunctional.  

Be Careful What you Wish For

Expectations seem, to me, to be an unhealthy part of life. I suppose that it is not a secret that they are harmful to relationships, but I think their destructive influence affects more than that. I think they also have a negative impact when they are directed personally - on our own lives. Maybe this positions seems a bit extreme for some people, and consequently I'm not attempting to present this a principle of life, but nonetheless, it is a principle I try to live by. 

See, I think that when personal expectations are present, it sets the stage for a few pitfalls: one, we can be confused between the drive to make our expectations a reality; and two, we are opening the door for resentment and anger if we are not able to meet our expectations. This anger would directed, understandably, towards the individual responsible for the "restraint", the guy who cuts you off in traffic, a neighbor who is keeps asking for assistance ("imposing" on you), or God, who would be responsible for any disruptions - out of our control - that may occur.

The two greatest fallacies of man, I think, are expectations and a lack of grace. I guess I'm not trying to introduce a "magic bullet" for all of our problems, but in reality our lives would be in much less turmoil if we lowered our expectations and allowed scenarios to play out the way the must, trusting that wherever we end up is where God wants us at the moment. Maybe the sounds very much like a passive approach to life - but I think we all will testify that lowering expectations, trusting God and extending grace, is anything but a passive experience... 

Maybe just a little more lemon...

Sometimes, I need to be reminded that I'm still alive; even when I've lost focus, even when I've tried and failed, even when I've been left hurt and alone, and especially when I can't see the road ahead. And yet, I'm still alive, and the life I have belongs to God. It's interesting how living according to God's purpose is a lot like dying; giving up your dreams, giving up your contentment, giving up your friends - everything that is of value - sounds a lot like death to me. Maybe that's why God says in order to live, one must die; die to this world and everything in it, even the relationships are valued the most; and in all reality, it's not that big of a step from there to actual death. And yet, God just asks that I trust Him. It's not a budgeted investment; I either trust Him the whole way through, or I leave at the door. And I'm giving it my best shot to trust Him the whole way through. So, sometimes I just need to be reminded that I'm still alive - I'm not dead, so He hasn't failed me.
And also, I need to remember what I'm here for - what is keeping me alive - and what isn't. God is what is keeping me alive, what I can get without Him doesn't cut it - it doesn't give me hope. Given that, is there anything that I should allow to restrain me from following Him?

P.S. I don't like vague optimism; and this paragraph reeks of it. I leaves the reader (and the writer) with a
        sense of half-formed resolve - like a glass of lukewarm water. It seems inaccurate, veiled, as though I
        am trying to indirectly address one issue by addressing another, irrelevant, one. And when a writer
        senses this confusion it is a good idea to stop and restructure his thought chain, so as to squarely
        address the issue, both in his mind and on paper.        

A Figurative Rainbow

A word and a color are much alike; both are beautiful, both have unique meanings, both can be combined with others of the same to communicate more completely. Creating art with colors is not my field, instead, the pictures I paint are made of words. Everything can be phrased in dozens of different ways, each one leaves the hearer with the same info, but each one also leaves subtle nuances on the hearer - nuances that affect how the info is received, processed and understood. Simple things like word order, voice intonation, and even the specific words used are part of effecting nuances. If you've ever painted a picture, or created another piece of art, you will be familiar with the vast array of choices that must be made in order to end up with a result that communicates what you intend; selections such as material of canvas, painting style, color blending, etc. Writing and speaking is the same; every word has different meaning - it "introduces" itself differently, couple it with another word and the whole flavor of the mixture changes. Maybe the subtle nuances can be noticed most in one's apology to another; the simple "I'm sorry" can be the most bitter tasting phrase as well as the sweetest - depending on it's nuances. 

Words communicate more than their intended meaning, they tell you about the speaker, they tell you about the audience, they reveal (and communicate) a wealth of information. Word artists use this data to gain a better understanding of an individual, and adjusts his communication according to the "profile" that the individual fits. In other words, using the information that words can carry to perceive the nature of a person allows one to put his/herself into the other person's shoes, thereby being able to witness how the subject would respond to input - if one is accurately able to dictate the subjects responses, then one is also able to word input such that the subject receives the precise, intended meaning. That may be hardly easier to understand than the prior explanation, but the gist of the matter is that if you are able to "taste" words and their nuances, and are able to accurately put yourself in another's reality, then you will be able to discern his/her reactions to external input, and thus, you will be able to discover a way to use words to speak what is needed into each situation in the subjects life. 

Maybe being able to sense nuances in words is a gift, maybe it's what makes one a good poet or writer, maybe it's a talent that God gives to some and not others - I do not know. But I do suggest treating words as colors, and treating each conversation as a new painting, and treating each person as unique; make your words count - it would be sad to reach the end of life and discover that you wasted the gift of words and speech because you were too hurried to notice the art behind them...        

Pathway

The pieces fall

Cascading from the hand

A paper trail of dreams

And tears

The unfinished puzzle 

Veiled in the falling sun

Which the stars are not able

To relight

Left just a thought

Was it acceptable this time

Are the remaining stone enough

To begin again

- Casey Allen

Hmm, It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I guess it's been less because of lack of material and more because if a lack of time and focus.

Sometimes God requires us to trust - and to only trust. We can't seem to determine what path is the best in all the soul-searching that we do. And we are left to simply make the choice to step through the open door in front of us trusting that God will prepare and supply the means to walk the path beyond. So I'm finally set on going to college, and I finally feel comfortable with being back home in MN; but I'm only trusting and that's all. I don't know if being in MN is where God wants me, and I don't know how I will find myself at Hesston College next fall. But I stepped through the door and now am attempting to discern if that was a mistake or God's will.
The reason why I'm uncertain is because it is easy to confuse the desires of my heart with the promptings of the spirit - and they result in drastically different lives. And I want to be certain that I am not following my heart, but God's spirit. Maybe you've been confused in the same way, and if so, then you know how vulnerable you can be if you're following your heart. But that is not my reason for wanting to follow God's leading - I don't think it is necessarily a good reason to at all. If God has a plan for each person, if He created each of us uniquely for a purpose - then out of a desire to please Him, I want Him to use me for that very end. And it all makes sense; giving our life to Christ, then, means simply that we are living to fulfill His purpose and not our own (not even our best interpretation of what would please Him). Romans 8:28 has become my favorite verse; And we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. Maybe it's one of those verses that people are tempted to not take literally because there is a lot of not working together for good, I know that I didn't take it literally. But I do now, and am therefore convinced that there is a lot of not loving God or being called according to His purpose - and yes I mean among Christians.
And that brings into question what is good and bad. I guess I'm not trying to paint a glowing picture of following God's purpose - many of those that do so are killed. Well, to be honest, I don't think pain and torture - even death - are bad; they are the consequence of sin on the world, but I don't think that consequences are bad. I think the "bad" is something (or things) much closer to home; think like depression, hopelessness, insecurity, unsatisfaction, loneliness, etc - that's what I think is termed bad. Because they are Satan's tools to ensnare and destroy God's creations and God's purposes. And I know that those are much more prevalent in even our church society than what I'm comfortable with.

So what am I saying?

Well...ask God to reveal His purpose to you and pursue that. Maybe that's it, just pray - I think you can be confident that He will be faithful to grant you that request. And expect Him to prepare you for that purpose, maybe pray for that too - He might want to prepare you before He reveals His purpose for you.


P.S. But you'll have to give it all up - or at least I had to. I guess most of what I held (and hold) onto in this life -  relationships, belongings, dreams - ties me back and keeps me from moving on. I think it's like that for a lot of people, but please don't let that discourage you - I mean, Jesus gave His life, more than that, He suffered the damnation that each of us should be experiencing, and you're going to let this relationship or that thing keep your focus off of that gift? And why? Because that relationship makes you "feel" good? Because that thing brings you satisfaction?
No...no...
Satan's deceit would have gone far indeed...

A Different Angle

Another time, another try

"give once more, this time you'll fly"

I just can't bear to hear those words again
My wings are torn and my hope has died

my heart can only beat so many times

I can only face “once more” twice.

Last time was one to many

I just can't continue

I shouldn't be here

But I've lead myself back

My hopes and dreams were guiding

My own heart has been betraying me

I can't go on and risk this again

I can't get up because I'm so afraid

I don't know how to heal the wound

From losing what I believe in

Where do you go

when you don't know the way

What do you follow

when your guide leads astray

What do you believe

when truth becomes deceit

How do you fight

When you've admitted defeat


...Wow, sometimes you find something good when you look behind you - I mean, you get to see where you've been and how far you've come. This poem was post from the end of October that I never ended up posting, but I was just reading over it and it came to me that looking back does have its advantages...it can be encouraging in the right manner.

Oh, and I was thinking last night that there must be a key - you know, to make life work out without so much worry and concern. Well it came to me like right away, it's a close relationship with God. Just bringing Him along with you through life. And considering Him to be an immediate resource at every moment of each day. Think about it, you get close to someone by spending time with them, it's not that complicated and doesn't have to involve a complex series of steps involving tests and books and studies - just bring Him along with you throughout the day. And you will get closer to Him, just as a friend. Oh, and that is the key, by the way, because He works things out. And so we don't have to worry about things turning out for our destruction, because when we are following His lead He will ensure that things turn out for our good and His purpose.
So that was what I had in mind; things are stable when my focus is on God, and when my focus strays...well, things start to topple.

I'm reminiscing...

There is something about the slower and quieter moments of the holiday that makes it easy to do so. And I wonder if it is a constructive thing to do. I mean, there is a difference between living in the past and learning from it. And for me, it's easy to be distracted by all the stuff I've left behind; and maybe that's what makes me cautious about reminiscing. I think its an honest fear, but I think I'm also missing alot. And as I consider this thanksgiving what I have to be thankful for I am recalling memories that from the past few years - some good and some bad. But above all I am reminded of the "lost causes"; the areas that I have felt as though I failed, the choices that I that I have failed to make (or made unwisely) and all the pursuits that I wasted time and effort on. I know that this is a time to remember blessings, but I guess it I focus more readily on the "curses" so to speak. And yet, even though it isn't all pleasant, I find myself thinking and reminiscing - as though it is some unavoidable reality. And in a way, I am drawn to my past - not because I want to be there, but because there is a lot of stuff that wasn't resolved constructively - and those things have a way of holding me back until they are resolved. Maybe reminiscing has just delved up issues and feelings that I thought I had dealt with then, and maybe it's that I want them to be resolved. 

I think that's it; memories - people, places, things - from our pasts, tend to have a persona attached to them - our persona, when they were relevant and involved in our life. And so they tend have a draw to them, a draw that can easily "revert" us to be whoever we were at that point in our lives. And this is especially pertinent if they are unresolved issues or struggles - to the point that even the memory of them can have that pull. 

Maybe the bottom line is, I want to move on. Remembering the thing that God has blessed me with is an encouraging thing to do. And I want to be able to reminisce, I just don't want to end up stuck.

It's hard to move on when you feel as though your past is incomplete - and I just want to feel as though it's finished. I wonder if anyone else can relate?

Thank you God for people...

And then there were two...

Life changes, I think, as we grow up. When we are children life is an absolute - meaning we live simply because life moves us on. Our parents provide for us and guide us (at least in theory) and we don't need another motivation to live. But that is altered as we grow - and eventually we reach a point where life is no longer self-motivating. So we begin to look for purpose to continue. For some this is a relatively seamless transition, but for many it isn't. Anyways, that in itself is a topic, but I am not going to compare those two positions - I want to go somewhere else with this.
I have been intrigued, both with how important relationships (as in boyfriend/girlfriend) are to the typical young adult's well-being, and with the weight that a relationship carries in so many lives around me (and mine may be included in that). And I've wondered, why?
So, back to the top. I think God designed us to reach that point - the point where we begin to search for purpose; something to make us look forward to each day and give us a sense of satisfaction when we lie down to sleep - something to motivate us to live. And He designed His purpose for us to be that motivation. But we are confused, or deceived, or both and we look elsewhere, most often to - you got it, a relationship. Yes, a relationship can give us reason to get up in the morning and go to sleep at night, it can give us motivation to live. And that is what we use it for, no wonder it is such an important factor in so many lives; no wonder why it carries so much weight - it means your well-being. But when a relationship is used for that purpose, it becomes a snare. Or, I should say, when it is used as the primary motivation in life - it places the person in a very vulnerable position, where his/her well-being is held in check by an temporal, emotion driven weight.
I'm saying there is a better way...
A way that doesn't ensnare, as way that provides satisfaction and stability based upon that most solid foundation possible - God. And a way that doesn't just provide motivation to live, but provides means by which to get better. It's God's purpose for you.

P.S. I am not comparing the two as though a relationship is Bad and God's way is Good. In many cases God's way will involve a relationship for the person, but God's purpose must be the first motivator, not the relationship. And most of the time it is easier for His purpose to be discovered and in place first, before a relationship is pursued.

Anyways, just my thought...

An Essay On Purpose

I guess I'm finding it very difficult to explain how I determined the purpose that God designed me for. Maybe that's because I didn't determine it, I just failed at finding purpose in everything else I tried. I guess that's how some of us learn – trial and error. That's not the best way to learn, I suppose, but that is the way that I have gotten here. Actually, I take that back – it wasn't trial and error for God, just for me. Maybe timing is everything, and maybe that is where God comes in most. But I do know some things, and I might as well say what I know...

I had to think. It didn't come by accident; it didn't come from running away from my problems; it didn't come from losing myself in my imagination; it didn't come from grabbing all the things I wanted; it didn't come from focusing on myself; it didn't come from taking a test or filling out a survey; it didn't come from someone telling me; and it definitely didn't come from me. It came when I was intentionally looking, when I was wrestling with my problems, when I was grounded in reality, when I let go of the things I was pursuing, when I was focused on others, when I was walking with God, when I was listening to Him, and it came from Him.

There is a lot of intention in all this, personal intention. And a lot of phrases and terms that would have disgusted me if this were you talking to me three months ago. Phrases like “running from my problems”, “focusing on myself”, “letting go of things”, and the most volatile, “walking with God”. They are so overused and used in so many different scenarios that they don't carry meaning generically anymore. So if my use of these terms irritates you or makes me officially “one of those people”, then maybe it will help you to know that they mean something to me – something specific. Maybe it would help to explain what they mean to me...

“Running from my problems”. To me this means avoidance. A refusal to resolve an issue in yourself or with another person because of fear, indecision, selfishness, anger, or whatever. When you are running from your problems you are allowing the bridges that you have built in your life to burn behind you. You flee the flames, using the very energy that could put out the fire and restore the life in that area of your life. But you run, and as you do that part of your life slowly dies eventually turning cold and hard.

“Focusing on myself”. When I use this term I am not referring to self-evident selfishness, I am referring to the less obvious short-term perspective on oneself. It's the focus that results in us pursuing our own satisfaction and enlightenment. Like in a college students all-encompassing pursuit of a degree in an area that he/she is 'good' at. Like in the attempts of most people trying to prove their value and worth to other people and society. Like in the demands of picky people that everything be “just right”. It's not the blatant “look out for #1”, it's the pervasive “pursue what you enjoy”.

“Letting go of things”. We all have things that we are good at, that we enjoy. But I think that “enjoy” is a conditional term for many people. Meaning, that we enjoy certain things because we are good at them and thus, they bring us value in front of the world. Think of it, and then think of things in your life that fit that – guess what? Those are idols. So, when I use the term “letting go”, I am referring to the acknowledgment that those things are no longer what define worth for a person. And when those things are released, the whole paper castle comes tumbling down and you are finally able to find a solid foundation to build upon.

“Walking with God” (I wonder if this is the most volatile because it is the least respected in usage. Faith and hypocrisy walk hand in hand for many people). But this is possibly the least complicated for me – it simply means keeping in mind the fact that He exists, and that he is my Father. And for me, that is as simple as writing to Him and talking through my thoughts with Him...

I used a term “Personal Intention”. And that is one that I coined. Yes, the process of discovering you God-given purpose is intentional; it requires you to be actively pursuing to find it. And I wonder if that is the crux of the struggle. See, for many people (me in the foremost) we have to be brought to the bottom of the pit, we've got to hit bedrock before we stop digging and take the time to look up and realize that – hello, the light we've been seeking is above us. We've got to lose hope in the room we're in before we'll take the stairs. And when we're sitting in that room, surrounded by failed attempts, we've got to desire betterment, or we'll lack the energy to climb the steps and try the door at the top...

- God help us

Clearing things up

I wish I could write all that is going on right now in my life. I can't though, there is just too much. And it's good, I guess all my thinking is finally translating into actions. I went to a service on tuesday night and I heard the speaker preach about how the reality of Christ changes everything – and it's the only thing that does. He's right. And sometimes it's me who needs to be taught that again, sometimes God needs to bring me to a place of destruction so that He can say, “now will you let Me do the building?” Haha, Yes Father you may. I want my life to be what You have in mind, not something that I dream up. And my satisfaction comes from seeing myself being used by God, not by what I am doing or experiencing. I want to reach the end of my life, whenever that may be, and not be like Oscar Schindler, who realized he could have saved one more life with money he would have got from selling his gold pin (in Schindler's List) – I want to be satisfied with what my life has been used for, I want to know that I held nothing back, that I wasted nothing. Honestly, I feel as though I have been wasting it, or at least some – but even that some, might make an eternity of difference for someone. And really, I trust that my sense of fulfillment will come from God, as I complete his purpose with my life, great or small. So it doesn't have to be something grand and noticed, I just want to know that I have completed the purpose that God granted me life for. It is my hope that, wherever you are, you will look for God's purpose with your life, and not be taken up with what career or lifestyle may make you “most satisfied”. This is my challenge to any of you who are around my age: many people will tell you to pursue whatever you are good at, or whatever you enjoy doing – and I'm here to tell you that there is a better way. A way that may you may not want to go because you think it means giving up your life (which is built to satisfy you). But that is a lie. The reality is that nothing will satisfy other than what God uniquely created you to do. So pursue your life like you want - what you think will satisfy - and at the end of the day, take my word for it, you'll just end up in a corner cutting yourself in the agony of your emptiness. But, live the life that God designed for you, and you will have a joy that gives you desire continue...

I guess the only question that remains is how do you determine what God wants to use you for. Let me try to answer that, just give me some time...

This is what I've been thinking through...

Stick with me through this post – it really is profound, at least for me. Maybe it's all been figured out already, but listen a little bit before leaving, because I think I may be have a different conclusion than what is what is currently accepted.

Relational “Drama”, you know what that is. And you probably think you can pick it out when you see it (if you can, good for you). And I think is agreed that people don't like drama; they can put up with with a certain amount of it, but it strains you and you get tired of it. So it's kinda become a cliché, like “I'm tired of drama”. And when you sense drama in a relationship you either go along with it, or you just kinda keep your distance.

I guess I'm thinking about the pictures we have in our mind of relationships. Ask anybody what drama looks like and you'll get synchronized answers; false pretenses, over-reactions, excessive acting, etc. Everyone (generality) seems to accept a common picture. Ask about what love looks like and you'll get a similar result – a commonly accepted picture.

Now, if you want to keep these pictures, if you like your definitions of healthy and unhealthy, then you're welcome to stop reading. Because I'm not going to paint a nice copy of these pictures; I don't like drama – and I think that each picture is just as much drama as the other. I've been in both, and this is the conclusion that I've come to. And I want to explain why.

I think the definition of drama is more than a matter of actions – external/physical things - I think it's internal. I have one term that I believe captures the explanation very well: manufactured scenarios. See, drama happens when someone wants something and acts in such a way to get it. It is a simple case of working towards a preconceived end; working back from result to origin and to discern what steps are most likely to bring about the desired result. It's manipulation, plain and simple. Which, by the way, is actually a good thing to do in some instances – but it's mostly job related, where it doesn't involve manipulating people. When we manipulate people and manufacture things in a relationship we lose the most critical aspect present between two people – trust.

So what is it that we want that would cause us to manipulate and manufacture our way through a relationship? Why do we (consciously, or unconsciously) introduce drama into our lives? For what end are we inflating this imaginary castle? Well, we want to feel good.

Being loved feels good, being in a relationship makes us happy, it satisfies us and gives us a sense of well-being. It doesn't make a difference whether it's the first time you hold hands, the first time you kiss, or the Nth time you have sex – it just makes you happy and naturally, then, you want more. Drama intensifies the experience. You can use everything from cute little notes to breaking up to build the “relationship” that you want – or that you think the other person wants. You can make the relationship play like a chick flick, a romance novel, love song, whatever you want; you can build the story, you can intensify the plot, you can strengthen the narrative – you can write a book. And you do so because the more dramatic the story-line, the more extravagant the outcome.

I should be saying, “me”.

Maybe you don't like my conclusion, maybe you disagree. Oh-well, I may be wrong (I have been), but at least think about this, at least analyze your own relationship (or relationships) to discern if this picture is accurate. I think it probably is – I only know of two relationships in my circle of acquaintances that reflect a completely different picture. That means four people, and all of the others (generality) sit here on this page writing a story - maybe for themselves, maybe for the other person – it's doesn't matter, it's still drama.

I don't want any more. I guess happiness in life will be less intense, but I think the hurt will be less as well. And I'm ready for that trade-off.

I'm tired of drama...

Some reconsiderations

I think I have made a mistake. I have been sensitive to right and wrong - constructive and destructive. That is alright I guess, I don't that is where the problem lies. I think the problem was with my criteria for determining the difference between the two. I have been thinking this for a while, it's one of the 'questions" that I wanted to answer - whether I have been basing everything on the feelings of my heart. In other words, if it didn't feel right, it must be wrong; and I would then look for the reason. See, I trusted my heart, it usually didn't fail me - it was usually correct. But I have been wondering of it was less accurate than I liked to think. What I've realized is that in many situations my heart does give correct guidance, but I have to walking right next to God - otherwise my heart becomes 'enamored" with a personal perspective, and it's perceptions are twisted...and it becomes deceived. And I lead myself by myself, the blind leading the blind. So, my mistake has been to allow my relationship with God to fall along the road, while I follow my own heart, as though it can think for itself, as though it will lead me somewhere other than where I want to go, as though it will sense something other than what I want it to feel. I am two distinctly different persons depending on whether I am following my own heart, or pursuing God's.
Maybe that decision is the crux of life - to follow our own heart and spend our life pursuing it's satisfaction, or to pursue God's heart spend our life finding satisfaction in His every design.
I guess that requires surrender, surrender of what we think we want - of what I think I want; a BMW, a Ph.D in math, talent on the guitar, or simply, personal recognition. Those are hard things to give up, but I know how to. It's my focus, whether it is on me or God. I'm just not sure how to keep this focus I have found here after I leave. I'm afraid that the influence of having to live "my life" again will drag me right back into to hole that I have begun to climb out of.
But I wonder if pursuing God isn't as suppressive as it seems, after all He created me. It seems that He simply brings out the "me" that He designed - the real me. He is what makes my strengths strong - without Him they are weaknesses. And maybe that is why it is so relieving to focus on Him instead of me. A lot of my baggage must be dropped, but it's just that - baggage. And as much as I want the recognition that my baggage brings me - I guess I've just gotten too tired to carry it any more. Maybe it's easier or harder depending on who is influencing me - my friends, after all, it is from them that I am attempting to get recognition with all that baggage.

Maybe I'm deciding whether to cater to them or God...

Who are you catering too?


You've stumbled again, please let me help
Stand up now and rest on my arm
What is the cause for your distracted eyes
Looking aside only hurries your harm

- Casey Allen

You are special

I want to explain a little more (it might help to read two posts previous) ...

So I want to be valued, I want to be noticed, I want to be considered special – by people in general, but mostly by girls. And it has been for as long as I can remember. See, I have seldom felt noticed by people, girls the most – like I had nothing special about me to merit attention. And I didn't; I never played sports for a team, I never was “in the know” about recent things, I was never good at anything and I always felt left out and unwanted. Sure parents would take time to relate to me, but that doesn't quite cut it – a person wants to be valued by their peers. And it seemed to me that most of the other guys I knew had something going for them, and therefore they had attention – me, I had nothing. So I was ignored. And that hurt, it hurt that people didn't value me, it hurt that I wasn't worth anything, it hurt that I was disregarded, it hurt that nobody thought that I was special. That is where I have come from, so many facets of my character today are direct results of feeling un-valued. I'm not fishing for support, or complements – so if you're tempted to say that I am special to make me feel better, just keep it to yourself, I am simply writing out what I believe to be the crux of the pain that I have felt my whole life.

I saw my friends, with “something special” about them, in relationships and so I came to the conclusion that in order for a girl to like me, I would have to have something special about me. And that went for everyone, I concluded that in order to be noticed I would have to find something that people thought was of value – it worked for my friends. And I tried really hard, I wanted really bad – and not just towards people but also towards God. God's side has been taken care of, but I'm still thinking through the people side. I think everyone wants to be noticed, by people and by the opposite gender. And if you aren't noticed, then that means you aren't special, and you aren't of any value – and that hurts.

I think this is probably ringing with a lot more people than just myself. I have asked myself why relationships seem to be the number one influence on people my age, relationships with the opposite gender. And why it seems that people need to be valued...It's just so immature. I'm that way, so yes, I am immature. But immature or not, it is an issue that makes or breaks lives.

I have to ask myself though, is it good that I want to be valued by girls, or people in general actually. I like to think that God is where He should be on my life, that I'm not looking for value from people because I don't feel valued by God – because I do. He took care of that a couple of years ago, I know I am valued like a son to Him, and that has filled my heart. But I still want to be special to people. And so I like to think that He created a part of our hearts to need value from people, and yes, from persons of the opposite gender. But maybe it's not that way – if I ask most christians, the answer is that I need to get closer to God, to really understand that I am valued by Him – and when I understand that thenI won't want to be valued by people anymore. That could be it - I don't think so, but I am trying to find out. But whether I am trying to fill God's place with human value or not, I know that our need for personal recognition – being noticed and loved – is what keeps us alive, or causes us to take our lives. 

I hope this rings with you. Cause I don't want to be the only one struggling with this - I know I'm not. Maybe this helps some of you straighten your own thoughts out, maybe it simply encourages you because you see that you aren't alone. Most of all, you are of value - that's what I want to show people - that's what I want to show you; I think it's where God wants to use me. Life moves on, one moment may make the difference between feeling worthless and feeling valued, don't give up yet - I won't give up either. I don't want you to take your life, not because of the people that you would leave behind, but because of the people that you haven't met yet.

P.S. Email me back if you don't want to be on my E-mail list, I just reset my settings, so more people may be getting this than want it...

A pair of melodies

Ring in the air

And come upon my listening ear

They rise and fall

To different beats

And conflicting harmonies is what I hear

I gaze around

To espy their source

intending then, to laugh and jeer

I find without
I am alone
So from within they must appear
The morning light
The evening dark
And I choose which to sing and fear

- Casey Allen




...hmm, it's like this a lot isn't it?

I want to recover my onside kicks

I don't expect this to make sense. I'm just trying to sort our myself out here and I'm more comfortable writing it out instead of discussing it with someone else. I'm not sure at this point if I will post this or if I will, yet again, save my thoughts as a draft only...

I went to a football game tonight, I guess that is unimportant (other than to provide relevance to the title of this post). But I was prompted to think while I was there, because I noticed some all to familiar thought and behavior patterns kick in - again. And I started to wonder where they came from, and what was prompting them. It's not that the game was a solitary incident, maybe it was the most acute I have experienced in a while, but these patterns have been a part of my life, as far as I can remember. And I am trying to follow this thread back, to gain a better understanding of myself and this issue that seems to pervade much of the dysfunctional side of me.
If there is any confusion in understanding this post it will be this part. i will do my best to explain some of my thoughts/feelings/senses/perceptions clearly, but I am not even certain as to what they are, so it may be somewhat incoherent.
So I went to this football game for a local high-school rivalry. It was between to large schools, and there were a lot of people there. The few of us volunteers were there because the dad of one of the students in the school had invited us at church the previous Sunday. So we came walking up to the group from the church (who were tailgating) and I felt isolated. That's the best word I can use to describe it. And I think that is the crux of the matter, and this is where I am trying to uncover more of what goes on in me when I feel ignored. Maybe some of you recall me talking about feeling "lonely" previously? Well I think this is the same thing. And as I think about the matter, I can pinpoint numerous times (and spans of time) in my life where that feeling has been present. So we have this established - in certain scenarios I feel ignored.
This is nothing new to me, I have known this for some time, but tonight was the first time I actually tried to think beyond the initial feeling to pinpoint what was causing me to feel ignored. And that is where I have not thought through completely. I have felt ignored and unimportant- lonely - all my life (or parts of it), so what is it exactly that I want, but am not getting? (we'll get back to this question)
My reaction to feeling ignored are also something which I ponder. See, when I sense that I am ignored or unnoticed I jump all in and isolate myself - but wait, if I want to noticed why would it make sense for me to go the other direction? That reaction has been/is probably my number one life influence. It influences my goals, my thoughts, my perspective, my choices, etc. And that is something that I wonder about as well. Because it isn't a constructive influence, it drives, me away from people and relationships - probably the number one most important thing to me in this life. I guess it just really hurts me to be ignored, so I try to isolate myself from what is hurting me - people. Isn't that ironic?
Back to the question: what do I want? And that is what I am conjecturing about tonight. Thinking of the game tonight, I ask myself what would have felt satisfying, in place of my feeling lonely. And the answer is someone coming over and sitting by me, to have someone notice that I was lonely and care enough about me to come over and make me feel valued. Maybe that is why I isolate myself, to give them the chance. So that's all there is to it? That's the root of the issue? I just want to be noticed by people? That seems so immature...

So then, I'm immature, because that is what it all boils down to. The things that I have going for me- math, cars, hockey, clothes, etc - I enjoy them because they bring me attention, and make people notice me - if they don't see anything special, most people don't bother to notice me. That is why those things are satisfying, because they bring me what I "want"...And, well, I guess that makes them idols, right? And the funny thing is, that I've suspected that for a while. Anyways, this is what I think needs to be straightened out before I continue on in life. I've got to sort out my idols.

Actually, my real idol is "value" - I want to be noticed by people...

Don't wait up for me

I guess I didn't quite finish my thought last night. See, I'm still thinking; still learning. And I don't feel that it is time to move on yet, I mean, I don't want to move on until I have served my purpose in one area (or until the area has served it's purpose for me). And as I think about the options I have - as far a next steps forward - I'm not comfortable with any yet; not comfortable with moving on to them. It's like I'm waiting for the fog to clear off my future and it hasn't yet. I'm not saying that I am looking for my life to be set in stone in order for me to move on, I am simply waiting to get my bearings. After being in fog for awhile you kinda need to do that; to make sure you're headed in the right direction.
I've got a lot of dreams - all the ones I threw out the window - and I am sorting through them all. God is showing me which ones are good for me and which one's aren't. And well, frankly, I still have a pile of them to go through before I am comfortable moving on. Because, if I leave here before I have them sorted, I'll just start pursuing a dream that might lead me right back to one month ago; and I don't want to do that. So, I'm still thinking and praying - sorting through my life and trying to throw out the destructive stuff...maybe it will be short, maybe it will be long,  I don't know - but patience is a virtue, ha...


And that's it really - sorting through my dreams and goals, figuring out which I am going to pursue...

About reruns

I think I'm moving forward, actually I know I am. And yet my mind does go back to mistakes I've made, or hurt I've caused - times when I have distinctly 'unblessed' people. And ,whether it's constructive or not, I want to make it right. Not that I've done something bad or offensive, just that I had the opportunity to bless someone and didn't in one way or another. And I think about that periodically, maybe I should just pray that God gives me the opportunity to fix what I can, and trust that He'll fix what I cannot.

And then there is this nagging feeling that after all this is said and done my life won't look much different that it has been, I'll just have a better understanding of my life and a different focus. I don't know this, but it's just what I'm wondering. Almost as if God lead me to PA, and then to AL (and then on I expect), only to help me realize/learn/conclude/etc things about myself and life in general. But whatever the purpose and wherever the goal is, I definitely want to be running things on God's time and not mine. So I'll just let Him lead and see where I end up.

Straining to live

Striving to find something just beyond my reach

I can't see ahead

The light that used lead me is slowly fading

giving way

to the falling mist

covering my tracks

so none can follow me

to find out where I am

My eyesight fades

The deafening numbness has covered the way

Loneliness aches

But feeling is the only signal of life

And this is all I get

So I'll pursue it

With all I have left

with my broken heart

my heart cries out

And it's lost in the darkness surrounding me

“This can't be life”

But it's the only way I've found to live

I must remain here

to forget the memories

that I've failed to find

the life my heart cries for

Why isn't life good enough? What more do I need

It's taken away all that I have

I can't sacrifice anymore

For this vain pursuit

I want to forget

what I want to remember

I want to release

what is keeping me alive

I'm giving it up

I'd rather live alone, than die in vain

From one mood all of my poems and songs spring from – loneliness. I wonder why. And, oddly enough, I want to be here, because it allows me to express what I otherwise could not write - Casey Allen


(I typed this in back before I left for AL, but I never published it because I wasn't sure that I wanted to. Well, granted I'm not necessarily at this point anymore, I think it's one of his better ones- so I'll publish it - Me)

I want to bless people. That's my purpose - maybe it's seems rather simple, or maybe it seems broad and indistinct. But it means something very specific to me. God has given me the ability to perceive what blesses people, and a heart to do so. It has been an elusive word for me, but I know that is what my heart desires. It bring me satisfaction - spiritual satisfaction - to bless people.

See, the majority of the advice about my future that I have gotten from people is about finding some physical skill that I am good at and enjoy, like it's the secret key to lifelong satisfaction - and thus satisfaction is dependent on the accuracy of my choice. It is not. At least its not the satisfaction that I am looking for.  I want satisfaction beyond that, and the only thing I can settle on is a spiritual satisfaction - I must be looking for spiritual satisfaction. Spiritual satisfaction in what I am doing. I'm not looking for mental satisfaction, I'm not looking for emotional satisfaction, and the only thing that is left is spiritual. And it doesn't come from using my strengths (such as math, writing, thinking, etc) to structure my future (so to speak), it comes from doing what He molded me to do - to bless people. I think that I have 'temporary" aptitudes and "permanent ones. And I'm trying to differentiate between the two. And I think it comes down to the satisfaction. 

Take math, for instance, as passionate as I am about this subject, I'm wary of it. It would be like a drug,a literal idol. I would always want to learn more, know more, teach better, figure stuff out - I would never reach the point where I was satisfied with what I was doing/ had done. Sure it would be more fulfilling during certain moments, but the fulfillment would never be satisfying - is that understandable? And it would be an internal paradigm to try to bless people with that strength because I would struggle between focusing on the pursuit of math and the urge to stop and bless the students. I don't know.

All this is still conjecture, but I think it is being strengthened. And whatever my physical pursuit, I want it to be something where I could bless people uninhibited; if that is math, then so be it; if it is not, then so be it as well.

Maybe you wonder why I do this, why I think, why I analyze, why I write, why I go through all this. Well I'm figuring life out, and I'm not so much changing my mind as I am understanding more about what is already a conclusion in my mind. I honestly feel as though I could go on, there are a thousand correlations that are falling into place that I wish I could arrange so that you could see them fit, but I just don;t know where to start. Maybe if you're a thinker you could work through it yourself, if you're so inclined. 

I hope that my blog has been a blessing to you in some way...

I'm not finding much time to analyze here in Birmingham. But I have had thoughts run through my mind that, given that I had the time, I would think about. Here are a few that I bothered to jot down...

I wonder if I excuse myself from being thoughtful of other people by saying, “I'm just being myself – just being genuine.”

I'm a different person out here – more easygoing and less serious. And I feel like people are treating me with less respect, and not taking me seriously – like I'm less mature or realistic.

The people here are more “Christ-like” (at least for these few weeks) than many people that I come into contact with in church.

I'm content. I've realized that when I focus on other people, my own problems take a back burner, and no longer seem important. I wonder if this contentment lasts.

I've run into a lot of people. But I seldom leave someone feeling refreshed. I want to know what refreshes people – I want people to leave me feeling refreshed...

Where do I go from here?

Maybe God doesn't care what career pursuit I choose. Maybe He doesn't care whether I am a math teacher in Europe, or a car mechanic in Minnesota. Maybe the significance of my career rests not in my enjoyment of it or my competence at it, but in the focus that I have every day. In other words, I'm looking for meaning and purpose in what I do (and want to do), but what if that meaning and purpose is a result of my focus and not what I do? That would mean that I God doesn't car what I do, and I am therefore wasting a lot of effort looking for the “right” career - one that I enjoy and that utilizes my strengths. Let's take a step back.

See, I have this unexplained sense of what is right and a desire for it– not perfect, just constructive and healthy. And I'm wondering if that is something that I should be concerned about. I'm wondering if this sense of rightness (or lack there of) is causing me to disregard things that God gave me to value – or pursuits that He directed me towards.

I'm realizing that as my focus changes from myself to others, the rightness of everything suddenly becomes an insignificant issue. And that makes me think that my sense of right was there only for myself and not for others. And so it saddens me that I caused pain and hurt all in the name of “right”, because I let that sense dictate how I related to others.

So between myself and other people, there has been a lot riding on that fallible sense of what is right. I wish that I could do some things over, I guess that as I mature I will always see things that I wish I could do again. Maybe the best I can do is to look ahead and trust that God will give me another chance to try again.

I don't know what I should pursue, but I do know that I want to be somewhere where I want to bring God with me. And somewhere that He can use my strengths for His glory, and I guess that the enjoyment will come from that...

Here's to family

I have a policy of not directing my posts towards anyone, but I am not adhering to that this time, please bear with me.

I have a younger brother named Christopher. I love him, I always have. And he wants my love, but he's just a child and doesn't have much to give me – except for his life. So he has opened up his heart to me, he trusts me, not because I've earned it, but because he loves me! And I've wronged him; and I am noticing just how much “abuse” he has taken from me – and it makes me wonder why he still loves me.

See, I'm focused; and when I'm doing something I don't like to be interrupted. And I'm self focused; am only looking out for my interests and feelings. At least, these are my weaknesses. So I hurt him. He comes to me and asks for me to play with him, or to read him a story and I brush him off. Or he grabs a wrench and screwdriver and crawls under the car with me and I tell him to get out from under the car. Or he see's me sitting alone and comes over with his snack and sits next to me and I get up and leave, just cause I want to be alone. He has a heart that stride for stride matches mine for compassion and love, and he keeps coming back. When I'm hurt I leave well enough alone, but he doesn't. He tries again. He has just absorbed the disgust and anger that I channel towards him in my weakness. He see's me hurting, he can sense what I am feeling and he just wants to show me that he loves me. He just wants me to accept his gift. He has put hims heart in the palm of my hand and said, “See Craig? It's yours.” And I don't deserve it, I'm not worthy of his trust – I hurt him and disregard him. But he says, “That's alright Craig, you don't have to deserve it, I love you anyways.” And that is from his heart. He has taught me. I'm four times his age and have 12 years of schooling on him, I'm his older brother – but he's the one looking out for me – and I'm the one looking up to him. Just because he loves me, just because I'm his older brother.

Maybe it seems that I am painting a glossy picture, but I am trying to be honest – when I look at him I don't see his exterior with whatever flaws he has, I see his heart; and that is where I read all this. And I only wish that I could give back, as effectively as he gives to me. And I don't.

Maybe someday Christopher will read this; maybe sooner, maybe later. I want him too, I want him to know that I love him. I want him to see that I respect him, that I trust him, that I look up to him. And that I want to be a good influence. A good, big brother.

Thank you for loving me Christopher. Thank you for being a good brother to me. I love you.

P.S. I like this picture, it captures the reality between Christopher and I...

And so on

This may be my last post for a few weeks, heading out tomorrow night for AL and internet connection is not guaranteed at the site where I will be staying- I may be able to find something on the weekends. So to all who are interested enough to read this, take care. I do have a thought I want to share before I go...

And that is this - life moves on. As time advances so does life, we are bound to this process as long as we are bound to these physical bodies God put us in. Moments pass whether we take the opportunity or take it for granted. And what I'm starting to think is that there isn't a "right" path to life. No series of steps which I need to focus on, nor get back on when I fail to follow. It's about each moment, and the right choices and wrong choices that each allows. And the rightness of each choice depends on where you want to be - or Who you want to serve. I struggle with my goals - check my post on July 20 - I have goals, I want to be somewhere, but sometimes where I want to be isn't a healthy/ God honoring place at all. I haven't followed any "right" path, and I'm feeling like I left the good in a lot of moments, and opted to take the destructive instead. I left a lot behind that was good, that was healthy, that was God honoring, that I would give anything for now, and yet life moves on, so I can't. I can only move on and maybe have another chance to make the right choice - towards the right goal. I'm hoping that I'll find what I want in the future. I guess I'm talking to myself too, but sometimes it's best just to forget what is left behind and focus on what's ahead. Otherwise we'll be missing the good in the moments that pass by us unawares; good that we'll see too late, and good that will be left behind - again. It's hard to drive looking backwards.

So to all of you - Stop looking back, turn around. Please.


 - until next time
   

How about walking with me?

Minds do change, mine does anyhow. We're people, we're not just heart and mind - we're spirit too. And that's a third factor for everything we do, everyone we love and everywhere we go. I've followed my mind and that doesn't work, I've followed my heart and that doesn't work, and I've followed my spirit - but I keep forgetting that I am, ha. So let's try to remember this time. 

I realized that I'm lonely. I have always been, and in a funny way I've tried to keep it that way. I'm not sure why, I just have some attraction to loneliness and darkness, wonder why? Anyways, I think everyone wants to be valued. God is there in my heart, and I think He's in the right place, but there is still a desire for personal friendship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking sex, or physical closeness (although that is what it is confused for), I'm talking friends, love, value, support. People to walk with side by side with. And we all want that, at least I do. So, anyways I'm the last person that would be saying this, but I'm lonely. Not lost and insecure, just alone, except for a few. So maybe it's more that I'm realizing that I value friendships, and I have only noticed this because I've been separated from them. So you really don't know what you have to it's gone. And I think the thing about the friendship we want is that it involves the mind, the heart, and also the spirit...so we feel supported on all three sides, idk, just what I was thinking... 

Well...whatdayaknow

I found a door at the top of the stairs

And some more

I've been struggling for awhile...I guess life is that way, even with God. I've made mistakes – and I don't like making mistakes. It's not that I have some innate desire for perfection, I just don't like to make mistakes. And I wonder why, I wonder about the cause of that fear within me. I know that I fear pain, emotional pain, but why? It's the same question, really. I want things to be right, I am afraid for them to be wrong, not out of fear of judgment, but out of fear of hurt. Yes, I am thinking of my heart, but I am also thinking of the other person's heart – my mistakes affect both. My greatest elation comes from helping to rebuild another person's heart, and my greatest dejection comes from ruining it. So, I don't want to make mistakes.

I've watched as my choices have resulted in mistake after mistake. I'm not saying this to wallow, just to be honest. And I try a different route after every mistake, try to follow a different principle, hoping that it won't result in more pain. I don't fit the definition of stupidity – if something doesn't work, I find another way. Eventually, at that rate, you can imagine that I'll find myself at a dead-end; every option tried and none were right...I have actually reached that point, and this past month has been difficult for that reason. I've tried to live and find something that I was looking for, and this is where that has got me. So, I'm gonna try something different – I gonna try to live for someone else. All my plans, I put them in a bag and threw them away; college, cars, relationships, jobs, life...I've dropped them all. It'll be less satisfying each moment, but I wonder if – in the long run – it'll be what I'm looking for. I'm tired of sitting in this room staring at the open doors that lead no-where...I'm tired of messing stuff up...I'm tired of choosing my 'darker' side...

...I'm gonna take the stairs

Places of None

Sitting alone

On the floor

Enclosed by four walls and open doors

Paths lead out

But all return

The stones beneath are cold and firm

It's raining out

And dark inside

Failure producing a desire to hide

Hanging head

Tired and quiet

Dying hope discouraged the fight

Thoughts stilled

No life or cares

The last future left is to take the stairs

“...this one felt like the rhythm didn't fit the subject matter – too much of a swing to it. I was trying to give it a halting, matter-of-fact, somber feeling; this is just how it came to me (I guess I just didn't want to take the time to reformat it).” - Casey

An Ode To My Parents...

I was just thinking...

I guess I always knew that parents weren't perfect. I was always told that, and I think everyone agrees that people aren't perfect - and parents are people. I was just thinking of the way I was brought up, the way I was taught, the patterns and behaviors that are with me now. And I just wanted to say that I think parenting has kinda gotten the bad rap - really gotten the bad rap. Like something was done wrong, something that has to be done better, something that has to be changed because of the baggage that has resulted - baggage that causes pain and hurt. And I see the changes that have been made and the intention to not produce the same baggage. But maybe that's the thing about parenting; no matter what methods are used, it will always be incomplete and there will always be baggage. Maybe God wants it that way, because He is the One that makes the method complete, He fills in the holes and takes the baggage that is produced. If parenting could be perfected, then no one would ever need to leave home, no one would never need to mature as an individual, no one would ever need any more faith than what their parents had, no one would ever need to have a personal relationship with God - their parents would be enough...
So parenting is not about turning out perfect kids before God, it's about doing the best job you can and then turning them over, broken and incomplete, to God to continue His work and draw them towards perfection. I hope that's an encouragement...

I am crying...

For Now

I wish I were younger...

When the sky was blue

and the sun was light

and the grass was green

and the moon was night

When 'gone' was short

and home was here

and help was close

and friends were near

When right was right

and wrong was wrong

and trust was true

and love was strong

But I know I've moved on...

With pensive steps

and choices made

and doubtful dreams

and decisions laid

With life before

and hurt behind

and lines so blurred

and eyes so blind

And with nothing of mine...

But a broken heart

and a mind unbold

and a Lord to trust

and a Hand to hold

I know I can proceed...

- Casey Allan

I wonder who he was writing too?

-Oh, the places you'll go-

I love this one, maybe it's just cause he manages to capture the essence and feeling of life. Not your normal poet, and yet, a poet none the less. It's a moving book.

Here's another...

Contemplating what I know to be
Covered beneath the shroud inside
I cannot end what I cannot start
I cannot unveil what I cannot hide

The light that enters is what I am craving
When you nudge door and slip through the crack
But a creak of the floor, or an uncertainty
And the darkness returns - the door fastens back

If I know I can't face you -to persuade you I'm fine
Or  I hear you outside and can't push you away
I'll spare my own heart - and sacrifice your's
The greater the threat is, the greater the sway

The inaudible cry is all the more urgent
The deepest rejection,  a sign of the need
But the acknowledgement of help can be painful
And it sometimes is easier to let the wound bleed

 - Courtesy of Casey Allen

I know You're my only Hope

So, God has given me a mind that desires to always be focused on something - intensely focused. Well, thats a good thing but I can't forget to keep focus on God; cause if I don't I get pretty unstable...

...Focus is a pretty 'influential' aspect of our life. I wonder how much?

 - thanks Switchfoot

My Kingdom For a Horse

So you've lost hope. You're sitting at the bottom of the hole you've been digging and see no way out. And you just don't know. You don't know what you want, or what you think, or what you should do, or who you want to see, or when you want to move, or where you want to go. Not because you have no doors, but because you've tried them all and none have lead out. And you're doubting everything - not everything external, everything internal - that's why you don't know. No one want to share what they don't know, because it's something you have to figure out for yourself. Or with God's help, but it's hard to ask for help for something when you don't know what that something is. So you sit, in turmoil, in pain – lost and discouraged. You don't even know if you want anything anymore. But you still want to, cause to say you don't would mean you gave up – and the next step from that is death...

Forget your dreams and aspirations, you want something small. It's not even what you wanted initially (not that you know what that was either) - it's just a simple favor, but it means life to you – you want peace. Not answers – just peace; peace from your turmoil, peace from your struggle, peace in your life. And that is all that is left to ask for, and God is all that is there to give it...

I'm there

...for the one who doubts is like the turf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. - James 1:6

Just the smallest step

I'm gazing out the sitting room window. Behind me rests a shelf of books.

Each author resides upon his own spine, and out this window their eyes must look.

Their thoughts, each kept so quietly hidden, beneath each cover, upon each leaf;

Their silent banter, their own perceptions – of life and joy and pain and grief.

This window has no convection or tint – nor does it alter the light passing through.

Differing opinions, profound and unique, are fruits that grow from each author's own view.

“See? God loves them!”, claims Rice, “And brings lightness of heart.” “But,”says Van Braght, “remember the price.”

“To serve Him doesn't ensure life's a balm.” “And that”, concludes Golie, “is the cause for our vice”.

I presume there's a parallel to our own existence – since, it seems, no two people agree.

I guess what I most need is not better wording, but to be exchanged with the book next to me...

So I'll think about it then...

How do you treat people you care about?

This is an interesting question - well, maybe interesting isn't the right word; Indefinite is probably better. I've heard it posed frequently to me (or in close proximity to me) and it has always been rhetorical - an answer really isn't expected, it's only posed for affect. So I have never undertaken to consider it seriously. It was posed to me recently, however, and I was assured that it was an entirely serious question - Deliberation was intended. And so I will deliberate...

It is an impossible question to answer without a context, and the context for this particular scenario is the realization that some relationships are permanent and some aren't. And the discernment between those two types of friends can be difficult for an individual. So the natural thought that arises (for an inquisitive person) is, "I'm having difficulty discerning this for myself, so how do I care for the relationships that I want to retain in such a way that the person discerns that I want the relationship to be permanent?" 

It's been a couple of days now and I don't think "permanent" isn't the right word to use, I think "enduring" the word I'm looking for. Because we are not in control, God is, and we know that he will remove us from relationships as best suits His purpose. The only permanent relationship that I know of is marriage and the only reason that that is permanent is because that is the one relationship that God will not separate during life.

So how do you show someone that you want the relationship to endure? Not endure time (cause that is up to God) - but to endure life; the mountains, the valleys, the caves, the peaks, the plains, the hills. How do you show that you want are willing to plod on, to work through all of it - that hardships don't cause you fear, that you are willing to endure pain for the sake of the person?

...I wonder if the deliberation is the hard part, because it seems that the answer is simple...

All that is needed is a gift; a gift that cannot be manufactured - the heart. Because that is Love.

Love endures all things

This is Home

What defines home for a person? What gives each individual a sense of permanency in their environments? Why do we sense a need to move on – a sense of transition – in certain scenarios until we find...whatever we're looking for? And why do we yearn to “continue” as long as that is lacking? And what are we looking for? And when we are content with where we are, how did we find it? What gives us our sense of belonging, of attachment to one area, and of dissatisfaction with another? And we say we get “homesick”, but what does that mean? It's more than just shyness or overload of unfamiliarity. Its like an insecurity almost, an insecurity that results from the lack of something. The same lack that keeps driving us forwards (or back) to whatever “home” that we're wishing for.

I'm going home

That means that were I am isn't home, and why is that I wonder?

And that means that I know I'm looking for something, and what is that I wonder?

And that means that there is hope within me of something “better”, and where is that from I wonder?

Home is where the heart is

So we move on until we find a place to leave our heart. And if we've already left our heart, then God help us, because we need to turn around - or spend the rest of our life moving on...

But wait

Maybe “the heart” in the saying is not our own. Maybe it's the other around us. Maybe the search is not about where we leave our heart, but maybe it's about where we find it! Maybe we are wishing not for a resting place, but for an accepting place.  Maybe that's what gives us the sense of belonging, maybe that is what is called home...

Daughty - Home

I pledge allegiance to my Father, for I know I am His son...

It is strange the ways God chooses to answer our prayers. It is definitely not from a worldly point of view - He decides according to thought processes that we can not understand. He chose to answer my prayer that night. Well, it wasn't like a flash of light or a sudden inner cleansing - it was simply that He attached my mind to my heart. And all that knowledge, an biblical truth that I knew and had learned (and been told over and over) flooded my heart. I wasn't at that moment either, it was the next morning talking with mom (one of the many times) and I suddenly realized that all my dysfunction, all my anger and resentment, all the failure and pain, all of my intolerance of weakness, everything, was a result of living in the reality of an orphan. I needed to prove to God. I needed to be good enough to be accepted, I couldn't tolerate imperfection, because it meant that I wouldn't be accepted. I needed to earn God's love, to earn His attention. And that was my reality. And all God did was reveal to my heart that He loved me. And do you want to know something, I think it was at that moment that I was "saved". I honestly believe that I wasn't His child until that moment. Because it wasn't until that moment that I gave Him my heart. I understood at that moment that He had accepted me as His son, not because of my worth but because of His love - the love that my heart craved to find. He had rescued my life. I say 'moment' for lack of a better word, but really it was a weekend; no sudden  "Aha" moment, just a perceivable relief that deepened with each passing moment. A relief that turned to joy  because my burdens were being relieved.

My story continues, it is still moving onward today. Out of the freedom God gave me I have realized a lot about myself that I had always kept hidden. I'm compassionate, caring, sensitive, emotional, empathetic, loving, vulnerable - in short, everything that I had considered weaknesses. And this is who I have become because of God's love for me. I suppose this part of my story is a lot shorter than the "darker' part, but if that is so, it's because this reality is so much harder to put into words - maybe it is just something that has to be lived. I'm different than a lot of people think I am - and that's because they knew a "manufactured" Craig, either a healthier or harsher one; whatever one I used to isolate myself from the individual. I'm not perfect by any means, I still struggle with all the remaining baggage - and it will define me for my whole life. But I am changing, and I am changing for the better - thanks to God.

I want to make a difference, I want to help others find understand what has given hope to live again. I see people in pain and I hurt with them. I see pictures of me everywhere, and I want to help them out of it. It's not sympathy, it's not charity - it affects my life, and may cost me it one day. When I see myself, I know that the only way out for them is to get them to reach out, and the only thing that I know will make that happen is if they find someone who will not walk away. Someone who can take all the abuse that will be heaped on them, someone that can endure pain to the depth that they will be hurt without turning away. That's what brought me out, and that the only thing that I can do to help - allow myself to be pushed, but to never walk away. And I try, but I can't, my baggage is still there, I don't endure, but that's not what this is about...

It's about why I do this, it's about why I analyze, it's about why I love, it's about why invest, it's about why I try to make a difference in my small sphere of influence. Because I know the value of one person. Because, if it means the life of a soul, what does it matter whether my heart is torn asunder - to make a difference in one person's life, I will give my own...it's what Christ did for me, Thanks be to God.

I wish I could cry...

There was another time in my life...

I want to share some about my own life - to take a break from analyzing life and just "relive" it. It is something that always brings me hope. And I guess I want it to do the same for you...

I have not always been who I am now; I haven't always had an open heart that I wear on my sleeves; I haven't always been caring and compassionate; I haven't always been emotional and sensitive. This vulnerability is something new to me.
I suppose I was a typical "Christian kid"; I grew up with parents who were God-fearing and we went to church every Sunday, had bible studies during the week, prayed before meals. My childhood was somewhat sheltered from "destructive" influences and I took "healthiness" for granted. I suppose I was 4 or 5 when I "became a Christian", said the prayer, etc, and moved on, never seriously questioning what it had meant to me.

And so I grew up...

But something was wrong. I went to church, went to bible studies, lived the life that looked right, but inside I was deteriorating. I was fighting something, but I could never define it; I was craving something, but never I knew what. And I was bitter. I don't know when I first noticed it - it came on slowly. It was dark and discouraging, and deep. It wasn't a mild resentment like what results when you don't get your way, it was a smothering veil that settled beneath my surface. I grew tired of church, I grew tired of God, I grew tired of believing, and I grew tired of life. I was stuck with this anger that I couldn't control - it wasn't rage, and I actually have a hard time calling it anger - it was more like extreme withdrawal or suppressed rage. And I d
couldn't find the root. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I prayed, I cried, I pleaded, but what came wasn't the answers I was looking for. I studied the bible, read every self-help book on anger, and listened to people tell me that I needed to not be selfish and to not expect my way. But I couldn't agree, I could sense that the root was elsewhere. And tried to find it, but couldn't.
And I withdrew. It didn't seem to have much to do with my anger, I didn't consider it a problem at all actually. I just thought that I was made that way. I aspired to be unemotional, unaffected by people, and to be like a machine - like Sherlock Holmes. I wanted to be pure driven by logic, untouchable by any "weakness" and unmoved by it. I refused to get "close" to people, and took no pains to avoid hurting them. I shut myself up so deep that no one could reach in. And I dared them to, because I knew that no matter how much they pitied me, that they didn't love me - and I would prove it by hurting them until they dropped me, turned and walked away. And in the bitter hurt of those moments I would laugh with pain, because I knew that it would end that way. I wanted to be someone who would discourage any sort of help, I wanted to scare people from trying to reach out to me, I wanted to push everyone so far away that no one would ever have hope of trying to touch me - and I did, as effectively as I could.
And my "aloneness" only caused me to recede further, every person I succeeded in "breaking" only made me withdraw further. I was digging a hole that could not be filled by another.
I never questioned whether the bible was absolute or not, I never doubted that God existed, and as far as my "beliefs" went - I could answer any theological question logically. I knew what I believed! It was all there - and that is what I wore on the outside. And as long as that is what people saw, I never sensed that they bothered to dig and see if I was okay inside. And if they did, it was to give themselves some "goodygoody" feeling that they had "helped" someone in need. And that hurt me more
I detested church, shunned Christians, avoided bible study - and yet cried to God still. Picturing Him as some unemotional Father that expected perfection from His children and expected them to come up with it. Can you picture an orphan? Throwing every effort into proving that he is worth being loved and accepted? And the rejection and hurt that he feels every time he fails? That was me. I would have given anything to be out of that snare, but I loved being in it. And the internal battle raged - it still does.
And I gave up, I gave up trying and accepted my reality. I was good at being all the people I was  - I learned  to cope with the pain in life, with the rejection. I was done with trying to find a better life. And I had unconsciously disguised myself from myself, so that I deceived myself and others effectively.

People hurt me, God hurt me, friends hurt me, family hurt me - I hurt me. And I detested myself for that sensitivity. But I knew I needed to survive so I had to cope. I refused myself emotions, I refused myself feeling, I refused myself sensitivity, I refused myself relationships, I refused, well, myself. I had manufactured different "craigs" for different situations to keep myself untouchable, I had knew how to treat people to avoid closeness. And if they "threatened" my heart (by reaching for it and caring for me) I was a good enough judge of people to find their most sensitive spot and I hit them there  I knew that if I pushed everyone away, eventually they would all turn and walk away. And if they didn't make themselves vulnerable, but only approached me out of a desire for personal satisfaction at helping someone - I put on one of the manufactured personalities, the one that I sensed would convince them that I was healthy. So against the two types of people that approached me, I could hold my own. And of the two, the ones that threatened me the most were the former type, the ones that did approach me vulnerably and with genuine care, but the more threatened I felt the more "aggressively" I retaliated - I actually enjoyed hurting them enough to shut them up, just like me.

And I still grew up...

I don't suppose I want to explain anymore in this direction, I think it is understandable and I don't think I want to go any deeper. Suffice to say, it only got darker. But, I happened to be invited into a bible study, like many before, and despite not wanting to, also like many before, I attended. It was a study on Sonship, and it was less of a bible study and more of an internal reflection. And in answering the questions posed about myself I starter to reveal things about myself I had never realized. I continued to go to the study, and to answer the questions - alternately ignoring my own dysfunction and realizing it, dependent on what situation I was in. All of life was dark to me, I never had a climax - so to speak - I had dulled myself to every feeling, and I had done so some years before. But I know that I struggled over the course of the study, struggled with things that I had long since given up on - but honestly, most of the struggling was only at the study, and more with trying to "Leave the Bible at the Study" (so to speak). Anyways, sometime early spring (mid march, to be exact), after the study had been going for some months, there was an assignment given. It was to share with someone outside the study (and outside our "christian" circles) what it meant to us to be "Son's of God". I don't suppose that I was anything that I hadn't heard before - and I knew that I wasn't going to share with anybody, simply because it meant nothing to me. But I prayed that evening that of God wanted me to share with someone, He was going to have to let me know what it means - otherwise, no-go. By now I knew He wouldn't answer, but I prayed, maybe because I hadn't completely given up...And then fell asleep doubting God...

But God did answer.

And that will be another post...