I think I have made a mistake. I have been sensitive to right and wrong - constructive and destructive. That is alright I guess, I don't that is where the problem lies. I think the problem was with my criteria for determining the difference between the two. I have been thinking this for a while, it's one of the 'questions" that I wanted to answer - whether I have been basing everything on the feelings of my heart. In other words, if it didn't feel right, it must be wrong; and I would then look for the reason. See, I trusted my heart, it usually didn't fail me - it was usually correct. But I have been wondering of it was less accurate than I liked to think. What I've realized is that in many situations my heart does give correct guidance, but I have to walking right next to God - otherwise my heart becomes 'enamored" with a personal perspective, and it's perceptions are twisted...and it becomes deceived. And I lead myself by myself, the blind leading the blind. So, my mistake has been to allow my relationship with God to fall along the road, while I follow my own heart, as though it can think for itself, as though it will lead me somewhere other than where I want to go, as though it will sense something other than what I want it to feel. I am two distinctly different persons depending on whether I am following my own heart, or pursuing God's.
Maybe that decision is the crux of life - to follow our own heart and spend our life pursuing it's satisfaction, or to pursue God's heart spend our life finding satisfaction in His every design.
I guess that requires surrender, surrender of what we think we want - of what I think I want; a BMW, a Ph.D in math, talent on the guitar, or simply, personal recognition. Those are hard things to give up, but I know how to. It's my focus, whether it is on me or God. I'm just not sure how to keep this focus I have found here after I leave. I'm afraid that the influence of having to live "my life" again will drag me right back into to hole that I have begun to climb out of.
But I wonder if pursuing God isn't as suppressive as it seems, after all He created me. It seems that He simply brings out the "me" that He designed - the real me. He is what makes my strengths strong - without Him they are weaknesses. And maybe that is why it is so relieving to focus on Him instead of me. A lot of my baggage must be dropped, but it's just that - baggage. And as much as I want the recognition that my baggage brings me - I guess I've just gotten too tired to carry it any more. Maybe it's easier or harder depending on who is influencing me - my friends, after all, it is from them that I am attempting to get recognition with all that baggage.
Maybe I'm deciding whether to cater to them or God...
Who are you catering too?
You've stumbled again, please let me help
Stand up now and rest on my arm
What is the cause for your distracted eyes
Looking aside only hurries your harm
- Casey Allen
Maybe that decision is the crux of life - to follow our own heart and spend our life pursuing it's satisfaction, or to pursue God's heart spend our life finding satisfaction in His every design.
I guess that requires surrender, surrender of what we think we want - of what I think I want; a BMW, a Ph.D in math, talent on the guitar, or simply, personal recognition. Those are hard things to give up, but I know how to. It's my focus, whether it is on me or God. I'm just not sure how to keep this focus I have found here after I leave. I'm afraid that the influence of having to live "my life" again will drag me right back into to hole that I have begun to climb out of.
But I wonder if pursuing God isn't as suppressive as it seems, after all He created me. It seems that He simply brings out the "me" that He designed - the real me. He is what makes my strengths strong - without Him they are weaknesses. And maybe that is why it is so relieving to focus on Him instead of me. A lot of my baggage must be dropped, but it's just that - baggage. And as much as I want the recognition that my baggage brings me - I guess I've just gotten too tired to carry it any more. Maybe it's easier or harder depending on who is influencing me - my friends, after all, it is from them that I am attempting to get recognition with all that baggage.
Maybe I'm deciding whether to cater to them or God...
Who are you catering too?
You've stumbled again, please let me help
Stand up now and rest on my arm
What is the cause for your distracted eyes
Looking aside only hurries your harm
- Casey Allen
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