I want to bless people. That's my purpose - maybe it's seems rather simple, or maybe it seems broad and indistinct. But it means something very specific to me. God has given me the ability to perceive what blesses people, and a heart to do so. It has been an elusive word for me, but I know that is what my heart desires. It bring me satisfaction - spiritual satisfaction - to bless people.

See, the majority of the advice about my future that I have gotten from people is about finding some physical skill that I am good at and enjoy, like it's the secret key to lifelong satisfaction - and thus satisfaction is dependent on the accuracy of my choice. It is not. At least its not the satisfaction that I am looking for.  I want satisfaction beyond that, and the only thing I can settle on is a spiritual satisfaction - I must be looking for spiritual satisfaction. Spiritual satisfaction in what I am doing. I'm not looking for mental satisfaction, I'm not looking for emotional satisfaction, and the only thing that is left is spiritual. And it doesn't come from using my strengths (such as math, writing, thinking, etc) to structure my future (so to speak), it comes from doing what He molded me to do - to bless people. I think that I have 'temporary" aptitudes and "permanent ones. And I'm trying to differentiate between the two. And I think it comes down to the satisfaction. 

Take math, for instance, as passionate as I am about this subject, I'm wary of it. It would be like a drug,a literal idol. I would always want to learn more, know more, teach better, figure stuff out - I would never reach the point where I was satisfied with what I was doing/ had done. Sure it would be more fulfilling during certain moments, but the fulfillment would never be satisfying - is that understandable? And it would be an internal paradigm to try to bless people with that strength because I would struggle between focusing on the pursuit of math and the urge to stop and bless the students. I don't know.

All this is still conjecture, but I think it is being strengthened. And whatever my physical pursuit, I want it to be something where I could bless people uninhibited; if that is math, then so be it; if it is not, then so be it as well.

Maybe you wonder why I do this, why I think, why I analyze, why I write, why I go through all this. Well I'm figuring life out, and I'm not so much changing my mind as I am understanding more about what is already a conclusion in my mind. I honestly feel as though I could go on, there are a thousand correlations that are falling into place that I wish I could arrange so that you could see them fit, but I just don;t know where to start. Maybe if you're a thinker you could work through it yourself, if you're so inclined. 

I hope that my blog has been a blessing to you in some way...