You are special

I want to explain a little more (it might help to read two posts previous) ...

So I want to be valued, I want to be noticed, I want to be considered special – by people in general, but mostly by girls. And it has been for as long as I can remember. See, I have seldom felt noticed by people, girls the most – like I had nothing special about me to merit attention. And I didn't; I never played sports for a team, I never was “in the know” about recent things, I was never good at anything and I always felt left out and unwanted. Sure parents would take time to relate to me, but that doesn't quite cut it – a person wants to be valued by their peers. And it seemed to me that most of the other guys I knew had something going for them, and therefore they had attention – me, I had nothing. So I was ignored. And that hurt, it hurt that people didn't value me, it hurt that I wasn't worth anything, it hurt that I was disregarded, it hurt that nobody thought that I was special. That is where I have come from, so many facets of my character today are direct results of feeling un-valued. I'm not fishing for support, or complements – so if you're tempted to say that I am special to make me feel better, just keep it to yourself, I am simply writing out what I believe to be the crux of the pain that I have felt my whole life.

I saw my friends, with “something special” about them, in relationships and so I came to the conclusion that in order for a girl to like me, I would have to have something special about me. And that went for everyone, I concluded that in order to be noticed I would have to find something that people thought was of value – it worked for my friends. And I tried really hard, I wanted really bad – and not just towards people but also towards God. God's side has been taken care of, but I'm still thinking through the people side. I think everyone wants to be noticed, by people and by the opposite gender. And if you aren't noticed, then that means you aren't special, and you aren't of any value – and that hurts.

I think this is probably ringing with a lot more people than just myself. I have asked myself why relationships seem to be the number one influence on people my age, relationships with the opposite gender. And why it seems that people need to be valued...It's just so immature. I'm that way, so yes, I am immature. But immature or not, it is an issue that makes or breaks lives.

I have to ask myself though, is it good that I want to be valued by girls, or people in general actually. I like to think that God is where He should be on my life, that I'm not looking for value from people because I don't feel valued by God – because I do. He took care of that a couple of years ago, I know I am valued like a son to Him, and that has filled my heart. But I still want to be special to people. And so I like to think that He created a part of our hearts to need value from people, and yes, from persons of the opposite gender. But maybe it's not that way – if I ask most christians, the answer is that I need to get closer to God, to really understand that I am valued by Him – and when I understand that thenI won't want to be valued by people anymore. That could be it - I don't think so, but I am trying to find out. But whether I am trying to fill God's place with human value or not, I know that our need for personal recognition – being noticed and loved – is what keeps us alive, or causes us to take our lives. 

I hope this rings with you. Cause I don't want to be the only one struggling with this - I know I'm not. Maybe this helps some of you straighten your own thoughts out, maybe it simply encourages you because you see that you aren't alone. Most of all, you are of value - that's what I want to show people - that's what I want to show you; I think it's where God wants to use me. Life moves on, one moment may make the difference between feeling worthless and feeling valued, don't give up yet - I won't give up either. I don't want you to take your life, not because of the people that you would leave behind, but because of the people that you haven't met yet.

P.S. Email me back if you don't want to be on my E-mail list, I just reset my settings, so more people may be getting this than want it...