I don't expect this to make sense. I'm just trying to sort our myself out here and I'm more comfortable writing it out instead of discussing it with someone else. I'm not sure at this point if I will post this or if I will, yet again, save my thoughts as a draft only...
I went to a football game tonight, I guess that is unimportant (other than to provide relevance to the title of this post). But I was prompted to think while I was there, because I noticed some all to familiar thought and behavior patterns kick in - again. And I started to wonder where they came from, and what was prompting them. It's not that the game was a solitary incident, maybe it was the most acute I have experienced in a while, but these patterns have been a part of my life, as far as I can remember. And I am trying to follow this thread back, to gain a better understanding of myself and this issue that seems to pervade much of the dysfunctional side of me.
If there is any confusion in understanding this post it will be this part. i will do my best to explain some of my thoughts/feelings/senses/perceptions clearly, but I am not even certain as to what they are, so it may be somewhat incoherent.
So I went to this football game for a local high-school rivalry. It was between to large schools, and there were a lot of people there. The few of us volunteers were there because the dad of one of the students in the school had invited us at church the previous Sunday. So we came walking up to the group from the church (who were tailgating) and I felt isolated. That's the best word I can use to describe it. And I think that is the crux of the matter, and this is where I am trying to uncover more of what goes on in me when I feel ignored. Maybe some of you recall me talking about feeling "lonely" previously? Well I think this is the same thing. And as I think about the matter, I can pinpoint numerous times (and spans of time) in my life where that feeling has been present. So we have this established - in certain scenarios I feel ignored.
This is nothing new to me, I have known this for some time, but tonight was the first time I actually tried to think beyond the initial feeling to pinpoint what was causing me to feel ignored. And that is where I have not thought through completely. I have felt ignored and unimportant- lonely - all my life (or parts of it), so what is it exactly that I want, but am not getting? (we'll get back to this question)
My reaction to feeling ignored are also something which I ponder. See, when I sense that I am ignored or unnoticed I jump all in and isolate myself - but wait, if I want to noticed why would it make sense for me to go the other direction? That reaction has been/is probably my number one life influence. It influences my goals, my thoughts, my perspective, my choices, etc. And that is something that I wonder about as well. Because it isn't a constructive influence, it drives, me away from people and relationships - probably the number one most important thing to me in this life. I guess it just really hurts me to be ignored, so I try to isolate myself from what is hurting me - people. Isn't that ironic?
Back to the question: what do I want? And that is what I am conjecturing about tonight. Thinking of the game tonight, I ask myself what would have felt satisfying, in place of my feeling lonely. And the answer is someone coming over and sitting by me, to have someone notice that I was lonely and care enough about me to come over and make me feel valued. Maybe that is why I isolate myself, to give them the chance. So that's all there is to it? That's the root of the issue? I just want to be noticed by people? That seems so immature...
So then, I'm immature, because that is what it all boils down to. The things that I have going for me- math, cars, hockey, clothes, etc - I enjoy them because they bring me attention, and make people notice me - if they don't see anything special, most people don't bother to notice me. That is why those things are satisfying, because they bring me what I "want"...And, well, I guess that makes them idols, right? And the funny thing is, that I've suspected that for a while. Anyways, this is what I think needs to be straightened out before I continue on in life. I've got to sort out my idols.
Actually, my real idol is "value" - I want to be noticed by people...
I went to a football game tonight, I guess that is unimportant (other than to provide relevance to the title of this post). But I was prompted to think while I was there, because I noticed some all to familiar thought and behavior patterns kick in - again. And I started to wonder where they came from, and what was prompting them. It's not that the game was a solitary incident, maybe it was the most acute I have experienced in a while, but these patterns have been a part of my life, as far as I can remember. And I am trying to follow this thread back, to gain a better understanding of myself and this issue that seems to pervade much of the dysfunctional side of me.
If there is any confusion in understanding this post it will be this part. i will do my best to explain some of my thoughts/feelings/senses/perceptions clearly, but I am not even certain as to what they are, so it may be somewhat incoherent.
So I went to this football game for a local high-school rivalry. It was between to large schools, and there were a lot of people there. The few of us volunteers were there because the dad of one of the students in the school had invited us at church the previous Sunday. So we came walking up to the group from the church (who were tailgating) and I felt isolated. That's the best word I can use to describe it. And I think that is the crux of the matter, and this is where I am trying to uncover more of what goes on in me when I feel ignored. Maybe some of you recall me talking about feeling "lonely" previously? Well I think this is the same thing. And as I think about the matter, I can pinpoint numerous times (and spans of time) in my life where that feeling has been present. So we have this established - in certain scenarios I feel ignored.
This is nothing new to me, I have known this for some time, but tonight was the first time I actually tried to think beyond the initial feeling to pinpoint what was causing me to feel ignored. And that is where I have not thought through completely. I have felt ignored and unimportant- lonely - all my life (or parts of it), so what is it exactly that I want, but am not getting? (we'll get back to this question)
My reaction to feeling ignored are also something which I ponder. See, when I sense that I am ignored or unnoticed I jump all in and isolate myself - but wait, if I want to noticed why would it make sense for me to go the other direction? That reaction has been/is probably my number one life influence. It influences my goals, my thoughts, my perspective, my choices, etc. And that is something that I wonder about as well. Because it isn't a constructive influence, it drives, me away from people and relationships - probably the number one most important thing to me in this life. I guess it just really hurts me to be ignored, so I try to isolate myself from what is hurting me - people. Isn't that ironic?
Back to the question: what do I want? And that is what I am conjecturing about tonight. Thinking of the game tonight, I ask myself what would have felt satisfying, in place of my feeling lonely. And the answer is someone coming over and sitting by me, to have someone notice that I was lonely and care enough about me to come over and make me feel valued. Maybe that is why I isolate myself, to give them the chance. So that's all there is to it? That's the root of the issue? I just want to be noticed by people? That seems so immature...
So then, I'm immature, because that is what it all boils down to. The things that I have going for me- math, cars, hockey, clothes, etc - I enjoy them because they bring me attention, and make people notice me - if they don't see anything special, most people don't bother to notice me. That is why those things are satisfying, because they bring me what I "want"...And, well, I guess that makes them idols, right? And the funny thing is, that I've suspected that for a while. Anyways, this is what I think needs to be straightened out before I continue on in life. I've got to sort out my idols.
Actually, my real idol is "value" - I want to be noticed by people...
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