The Love of God

God is love. I am convinced of this reality; I am a witness of it. Yes, He has many characteristics, but first and foremost He is a God of Love - He defines it. Love is different than Justice and Peace (and all other character traits), for they are tangible focus on a rather narrow aspect of life; Love can be thought of as more of a state of being - and it's definition is much more complex. Consider 1 Corinthians 13, it takes the whole passage simply to describe the characteristics that are present in Love. But really, I don't think it's important to get caught up in defining Love, there is a very simple explanation for Love's complexity: it is the essence of God - to define it would be to define Him. God is Perfect Love. This is what I believe, and this belief is what has changed my life. Considering God in this way simplifies the christian life and the understanding of scripture. It is not something that takes a degree in theology to grasp (it never has been), it is the simple understanding of  purpose in light of my trust in the Perfect Love.
This is an understanding I desire for everyone, for it has made an incredible difference in my life and I can only imagine the difference it could make in others. Maybe it is something you want, and if so, I would compel you to pray - ask the Holy spirit to show you the evidence of God's Perfect Love around you. God has promised He will not refuse us the desire of our heart - and this is a noble desire.

There Is Nothing That God Can't Undo

I've thought about the question that is so often posed to christians, "if God is all powerful and loving, why does He let bad things happen to people?" Sometimes this sentiment is used as an excuse to dismiss any serious consideration of God, but more often I think it reflects an honest quandary of character - and if He really is what He claims to be. I know He is, and I don't think there is really any complex answer to the question either. Power is a wonderful thing; some people (in this broken and incomplete world) attempt to show the power they may have by forcing things to go according to their desire- consequently, it seems that  this is the medium used to judge the amount of power someone possesses. And, conversely, the more someone (or something) else is able to go against that will signifies of a lack of power. But I wonder if power is actually measured a different way. Instead of being judged by an individuals ability to command, I think it should be judged by an individuals ability to "repair" - so to speak - damage done to his plan. Think of God; He has a plan to redeem the world and save as many as will believe in the reality of His Son. And despite giving us the ability to choose wrong (which we do often) and Satan's power of temptation, He is still able to take what has gone wrong and make good out of it. And in all reality - when bad things happen - it isn't a testimony of God's impotence, rather it is the result (although maybe somewhat indirectly) of God giving us the ability to choose between right and wrong - and when wrong was chosen, evil entered the world. So don't blame God (or question His love) when evil happens; realize that because of His love, He gave us the ability to choose to claim Him as our Father. He loves us so much that He wants us to voluntarily give Him our hearts - but when the choice was made otherwise (back in the garden) the door was opened for evil to affect our lives, and death entered the world. So the reality of evil does not call into question the truth of God's love, instead it is actually a confirmation of it - showing that He loved us enough to give us a choice to either love Him or hurt Him...

It is better to have lived and died than to never have lived at all

Life is a precious thing. Maybe it's funny that I should be saying so, but I really believe that it is. Only God can bestow life, and only God can take it - it is a task that we are not worthy or responsible of having. It is a blessing really, and one that I have taken for granted. It shames me to think of the ways I have disregarded this reality through my plans and choices (which I make in my best interest). And it shames me to see the evident truth, that, in many cases, the gift of life has become more important to me than the Giver who loved me enough to grant it to me in the first place. It makes me wonder, how often do I fail to set an example, as God's child, of a person who holds lightly to life - it shames me to think...

"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it..."
(Matt 16:25)

All in a Family

Agree with me or not, God designs; and what He designs is good. With this week of rest has come the ability to remember. And as my thoughts have traveled over the past year, I have been caught by the change that has come about in my life - physically, mentally and spiritually. But more so, I have noticed the value and role of family in all that change - mostly grandparents. In my mind, I firmly believe that last fall was the time-frame that I moved from being a guy into a man; and that is not because I learned (kinda) how to live apart from my parents, but because of the spiritual and mental maturity that came to be mine during that time. What I was able to discern this last week was that the maturity that I found, was really given to me by the Holy Spirit working through my grandparents as they lived with me each day and spoke truth into my broken mind. Their influence changed me; and because of their obedience to God, I am in a position today to deal with the struggles of cancer in the way that I have. In light of this, I have re-written that cute little phrase that grandmother's like to hang on plaques above the sink (or written on little pictures on the wall). That is - Grandparents are a gift from the Lord.


So what am I really saying? Well, I'm trying to say that God designed family, and He designed it with a purpose. And that purpose accomplishes many things when it functions in the way He designed it. To say it simply; God knows the value of grandparents, of the older generation teaching the younger, and He has blessed me with Mema and Papa (and blessed me through them). For they were (and have been) a witness of God's love to me, a beacon of His light in the darkness around me, and part of His hand changing me into the man that He created me to be. And that is the benefit in God's design of family.  

Thank you God for Family...

It's funny how things change

Life is different now; I guess it will never be the same. But I don't want to leave everyone feeling like they just finished listening to an Anberlin song (although they are very insightful songs). I was encouraged by a friend from our church to journal some of the thoughts that I had accumulated over the course of the last few months - journal them now that I had a week off of treatment and felt sufficiently energized to do so. I have shared a lot with people who have stopped in to say hi and offer encouragement to me; but verbal communication is easier (and goes two ways) than writing, so I've fallen lax in this department. Anyhow, here's to Mr. Cleveland and Aunt Valerie, thanks for the reminder to write.

It's not about me. Ha, we all know that, don't we. God is in control and His desire is for His creation to love Him. And as we talk about "being used" to complete His purpose, we are alluding to the reality of our insignificance and His importance. I guess this has taken on a little deeper meaning for me in the cancer process. See, I have understood that my actions and words and thoughts were to be about God, for God, and under God's direction. But I realize now that when it came to physical things, such as money or possessions, I didn't treat them as thought they were about God - I treated them (and considered them) to be about me. You know, like I thought that as long as the outcome of how they were used was glorifying to God then it didn't matter how they were used. I guess it's not my intention to say that I have learned to treat everything as though it belongs to God, but the thought that has captivated my mind is that even my cancer (something that is, physically, only affecting me) is not about me. I cannot even claim that this illness is only about me, neither can I claim that the good that comes of it is only for me. That is such a paradox for me to grasp - That not only is life not about me, but I am not about me... And yet, even in this I have no resentment (it isn't really something to be resentful of), for I know that God does love me - and it is a knowing that is deeper than anything I claim to understand, but that is a different post:)))


 - maybe more unfortunate is the person who thinks they no longer need to learn...*




*see Look At it in a Different Light on January 18, 2012 

When a day seems like a lifetime, a lifetime seems too long

It's been two months - seems like forever. In the last few days I've finally let myself remember; one of the many things that I haven't done (it's funny what coping mechanisms the mind uses to protect itself). Here's some of what has come flooding back...

Washing my Saab in Mema and Papa's driveway during the rain
Talking with the other youth at Ridgeveiw church
Shingling roofs in Birmingham with Micha and Wilson
Rink-ratting in Cloquet with other hockey nuts
Running on the local country roads
Hearing the the doctor say "well, there is no easy way to say this.."
Meeting my treatment team
Chemo, pain, infection, nightmares
Being with extended family coming to show support
Watching friend after friend walk through my hospital door to say, "we're praying bud..."

The last two months have been hard; every day feels full, like I have to erase my hard-drive each night in order to make room for the next day - and that is exhausting. And then there is the fear, fear that tomorrow I may not have the strength to go on; but there-in lies the gist of trusting God.
It used to be easy for me to talk about trust in God; you know, He is omnipotent, holy, loving, etc. But trust has taken on a whole new level this past week. First, I have to explain that this last week was, by far, the hardest and scariest week that I've had, I mean there were times that I just wanted to hold Mom's hand (something I haven't done since I can't remember when). I had reached the point where I just needed comfort - like a little child. And I realized, it's one thing to trust something "is" and it's another thing to trust that something "will". And it's one thing to sit inside yourself and have trust in God's power to mold and form you into the person he wants you to be, and it's another thing to trust Him enough that you let Him in to sit by you and comfort you - because you know that He can and will. So, if we're talking in the context of lessons, it seems that God has Trust in store for me to learn. It's not in people that we can rely, it's only in God; and He will come in and comfort - I say that not from experience, but for hope...

And another thing; trust is a habit. The more common that something is, the easier it is for us to trust that it exists. And the difficulty - like any habit - is breaking whatever pattern is in place (or lack of pattern) and replacing it with the new pattern. And the only way for that new pattern to replace the old is to let the new happen (or to actually initiate it); and the more it happens - the more habitual it will become. So, for me, that means that I continue to wake up every morning even though I lack the strength to face each day; it means that I take my thoughts captive and refuse to worry about tomorrow even though I know that it will be one more day than I have the ability to face.

And about taking thoughts captive...
That's a habit as well; it's the self-control to stop thinking about the lies that Satan tries to discourage us with and to focus on the truth. And the only way to do that is to "do that", when the valley is too long and dark and our mind is overwhelmed with the lies we choose to turn from the dark and think on God and the light that is always present...

Thoughts from the sickbed

Well I can honestly say that I never expected to actually be typing this. I mean, I've imagined what it would be like to be fighting cancer again, and all the effects it would have on me – but it was always from a dramatic perspective, like it wouldn't happen anywhere but a dime novel. But here I am, on this familiar road and I can only say that it's seems so surreal that I expect at any moment God will reveal that this is really nothing serious – It's too uncommon for me to just continue as though I saw it coming. But it is real; The swelling in my abdomen, the lose of appetite (and weight), the lack of enthusiasm, the aches and pains – it's not something that I'm just gonna walk off.

I suppose that I'm going to have plenty of time to do nothing but sit and think, and I hope that this blog will show some unique perspective in the coming months. Because it's not every day that I get to analyze my life from this point of veiw – hopefully what I share here is insightful, thought-provoking and encouraging for you readers.  

It's a beautiful thing

I thinking about music yesterday - nothing specific really - just thinking about the various songs that I like (which I normally do when I listen to Itunes' randomization of my music library). Some songs are catchy, some are moving, some are annoying - you know what I mean. And it never ceases to interest me about the variety of music that makes it to the long list of songs that I consider to be "my favorites". It makes me wonder as to what sort of criteria my mind uses to discern what it likes and what it doesn't. Anyways, in the midst of all this Keith Green's There Is a Redeemer came on and the first thought that came to my mind was "this is beautiful". And it kinda struck me because it quite rare that I can say that about a song (or anything for that matter). 

So what makes something beautiful? I suppose there are a lot of ideas out there, but not many of them work for me. I'm not trying to say that it's a relative thing, just that I don't think we've really thought through our definition of beauty. So we say things like, "wow, that is a beautiful scarf", etc. I don't know what you think, but I'm pretty sure that it's being used out of context in that sentence. I guess I'm making a case that beauty is not about tangible perfection. In other words, inanimate, man-made objects cannot be considered beautiful. I think beauty is in reference to truth. It may sound a bit far fetched, but it all checks out (at least in my mind). Keith Green's song is beautiful then, because of the truth it presents. But it's more than that too; because even truth can be exaggerated - to a destructive end. So, beauty is not only about containing truth, it's also about portraying it accurately and honestly. We say that a sunrise is beautiful, or a star-lit sky, or a freshly fallen layer of snow, and I think for once that we are using that word in context. For there is nothing like creation to declare the glory of God - and that is a truth that shall never fade.

But lets consider people for a moment, because I think it can apply to us as well. We can put a lot of effort into honestly presenting our heart (and that is a good thing), but if we are only intent on the presentation, then we may still be presenting something less than beautiful. I like the description - "a man after God's own heart" - because if there is truth anywhere, it is God's heart. So as we diligently work to honestly present our hearts, we must be diligently seeking our hearts to mirror God's - for in that lies beauty.

Beauty (def.) = The honest presentation of internal truth 

P.S. This is the definition I shall use from here out...

I'll take a rain-check on that

I have yet to discover that my plan is better than God's. I act like it a lot, but if you were to crunch the numbers and come up with some stats it would be like a bazillion to none - in God's favor. That's not to say that I am never somewhere that I don't want to be; but in most cases, my ability to accept what comes my way is directly related to where my perspective is. In other words, the more I depend on myself, the harder it is to accept something that will alter my plans.
I guess my tendency is to notice God's presence only when He is changing my plans - and not when He is supporting them. Really, this makes me sort of a hypocrite; and I can easily start to consider God some herald-er of woe, when really He's there all the time opening doors and closing them. And sometimes it can seem like God is only closing the doors to get my attention. I don't know, but I like to think that God is bigger than that - meaning, that He has more than one reason for doing any given action. So, if He closes a door it's probably for more than just to get my attention. And that helps, because it reveals the amount of control that God has over his creation -  and it's something that He uses to help me grow more mature. He's got all this power and instead of making me turn out the way He wants, He uses that power to teach me and instruct me in whatever life situation I'm in at the moment. And that's why His plan is better - not because it's more efficient, but because it more forgiving than mine is.
So as I find myself faced with a set-back, it's better for me to remember that trusting God will result in less bitterness and more grace - and that's a better place to be regardless. 

I'm mumbling

Funny how we take some things for granted when we are young; like health. But we have to mind it eventually - deterioration of our bodies, that is - and that must be a very hard thing to accept. Maybe what is hard for me to accept is that I am limited by something I can not control, and cannot affect one way or another. Actually, it's hardest to accept the fact that I am limited in the things I want to do by something that I cannot influence. So the limitations are really just interruptions; and interruptions are irritating when there are things that need to be done. Anyways, it comes down to just accepting the limits of our frail human bodies with grace - I hope that I can do that...

Appreciation

I'm thinking a lot and I want to organize it somehow into a post that you can read...but it is not best to make decisions when you are weary. So, I'm just gonna wait until I can think.

 - thank you for being someone who considers someone else

It is that which makes us different that draws us together

Ok, I'm talking to the group of people called the body of Christ...

What is the key to being in one accord? You know, like how do we have unity with each other? Well it's not hard to understand that team-work requires common purpose. That is - in order for people to effectively work together, they must agree on a common end to work towards. And consequently, if their seems to be a lack of unity, well, that means people are trying to end up different places. It's pretty easy to do actually; and I think we too often think unity is determined by similarity of process, not on similarity of end. And so we end up spending a lot of time arguing among ourselves trying to convince each other to adopt one process or another that we consider to be "right". Or actually, we become confused as to what our end purpose really is - and we start to think that our personal 'calling' from God is really the purpose for the whole body of Christ. It's a pride thing actually; God gives us a task, or a practical purpose, and we think that it is a 'missing key' that the body must pursue in order to "really see God work in our world." One bit of advice? Let's get over ourselves as Christians; lets stop putting a lot of crying and dramatic emotions in our movies (geewiz, it makes the life a believer look cheesy). This is the world God created, these are the people He made, and His purpose is a lot bigger than your specific calling or "sensitivity". I know most of us believers aren't intentionally ego-laden; it's not like we are trying to be full of ourselves. But I think "religion" has a way of kinda messing up reality. Actually, I think it's too often used in the same way that another might use fame or riches. See, Christianity is not our identity; our calling from God is not our identity; our 'spiritual experience' is not our identity either. We are His creation - that's our identity. But it gets better, see since we messed up in the garden, God granted us the ability to accept a better identity - we can be His children. And our identity is not found in our shell, it's rooted in our heart. Take a lamp shade, its dark without any light inside; but turn the light on and even though it still looks the same, there is something inside it that makes it's whole existence different. Don't worry about fitting a mold, focus on the purpose of the Body - and fulfill God's personal calling for you.

We're in a symphony; play your part - and follow the Conductor

On Sale - buy one, get one please!!

"My patience is wearing thin..."

Interesting phrase. I mean who, like, wakes up and puts on a pair of patience in the morning? And really, it wears thin? Like pants or something? Oh, and should we launder it frequently? Will it shrink? Is it something that we only wear for special occasions? Or is it more like a pair of socks, always there serving a purpose? If we grow, will it cease to fit us? And when it wears out, what then? Do we have to periodically replace it? You know like, "And I'll take one pair of patience, size 14 1/2 please...Oh, that's special order? Well go ahead and order me one then, thanks." And most of all, what kind of activities are the most abrasive on our pair of patience? Should we take it off before we get stressed? Don't we already?

"...It's been an interesting conversation, but I'm really running late. Pardon me while I go try on some patience for size"

Sailing by an ash breeze

Well, maybe tomorrow will bring something different...

You know what? I think it's like this a lot. I mean we do our best to listen and follow whoever is leading us to wherever we are being led. And sometimes I guess we just need to trust; trust that fog will eventually clear away and stuff will make a little more sense; trust that we are headed in the right direction; trust that no news is good news; trust that if we are doing our best and not compromising our own understanding; trust that things will work - and to just consider ourselves impatient, and slip into bed trusting that we are one step closer to wherever we are going. Even when the wind dies and the sails sag, it's time to break out the oars and plod on in whatever direction that we were headed. So whether we've lost wind or sight, or both, we've just got to start rowing and trust that we're headed somewhere...

 ...Carry on dear reader 

A Forgotten Reminder

I think we forget something - quite often actually. I think we get such a sense of urgency in some things that we forget to be patient. You know, our priorities are based on what is most urgent to us; from top down, in descending order, we worry less and less about something (and allot less energy towards). What we forget is to be cautious, because some things that "feel" urgent really aren't urgent at all. See, we need to be aware that feelings can motivate us to attach urgency to something and elevate it to an unhealthy position in our hierarchy of priorities. I suppose that there are many things that can end up being "insubordinate" in this way, but I guess I'm thinking about people. Yeah, maybe you're tired of me talking about relationships - but I spend a lot of time here because I'm trying to figure something out that my society has screwed up. And I'm trying to do this right. 

So, here's the pattern: somebody sees somebody else and, for whatever reason, is attracted to them. And this prompts them to try with some effort to get the object of their affections to attach back to them. That's it in a nutshell (or a few cryptic sentences). Hmm, well I can't disprove anything so far - but I guess my point is deeper than this, it's the thought process that I think is messed up. I know it varies from person to person, but it goes something like this: "Omg, that person is really good looking, and they (insert random activity or hobby or personality here), I really think I would fit well with this person; now how can I get them to like me, what should I do to get their attention cause it's suddenly really important to me that they like me back. Oh, look what how much attention they are giving to that person - I've got to one-up it, lets see what can I do? etc,etc..." You get the picture. 

I like how the most logical and stable people can suddenly lose their perspective of tomorrow and worry only about what would feel best, or be best for them, simply because there is someone they are trying to possess. I guess this is what I mean by "urgency" - the sense that you need to forge a stronger attachment than someone else to the object of your affections, so that your's is the bond that is not broken when everyone starts pulling in opposite directions. 

I don't know about anyone else, but I am trying to pursue patience. And as hard as it is, to trust instead of getting caught up in the "urgency" that I see everywhere. I know the feelings that prompt it, and I think I know why so many people choose that route over patience - it's fear. And fear is a lack of trust - fear is a lack of love...

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear...

It's a deeper question than I can answer in a moment...

I was asked by a friend if if it was right for a mistake to be held against a person. They had messed up, confessed to God (and anyone else involved, I suppose), and moved on. But the consequences have apparently sprung up, bringing up the question they posed to me. I guess the pill wouldn't be hard to swallow, except that the apparent consequences are closed doors - dreams, purposes maybe, that the individual may have to sacrifice. Sounds like the Old Testament, I guess, but what about grace? When we repent doesn't that mean that our transgressions are removed? It's a difficult question to answer, but possibly harder accept...

I wonder if rules/laws are misunderstood; or rather, their purpose is misunderstood. Their purpose is to keep this world in harmony - livable, sustainable, in working condition. Actually, they are for our benefit. Some choices inherently introduce dysfunction and others bring about peace and harmony. I really don't think God picked a side on the day of creation and said, "oh, I want this to be right. And maybe I'll make this wrong," etc. I think the principles of functionality have been around as long as He has - that's what He is. Alright, so where am I going with this? Well, we can make choices today; God lets us do that. And, because there is sin in the world, there will always be an option that creates dysfunction and turmoil.  Some rules don't deal directly with relationships with other people; they're intended more to keep operating harmony in the world: you know, speed limits, schooling requirements, and such. If those rules are broken - you may find that there are few long-term consequences. But I think the majority of rules - or I'll say principles (because often they are God-given, but not legally enforced) - are in regards to how we relate to other people. God knows exactly what makes His creation dysfunctional and He is saddened when we "malfunction". A mistake in this area can be forgiven, but serious wounds will scar, and you will likely find that the consequences haunt you long after the mistake was forgiven and put out of sight.

Um, two thoughts...
One; about the mistake - the more trust that was broken, the further the consequences will haunt you in life...

And the other thing; We used to be in perfect harmony, but with sin in the world now I think the focus is no longer to re-create that scenario - that's God's job. Instead, I think our focus should be internal harmony (so to speak). We will no longer glorify God as a planet, but we can do it individually; and that is the best witness we can be...

Self-evident Truths

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...

Some things in life are elusive - and it's hard to teach about them, or discuss them without sounding somewhat un-realistic. The writers of our Declaration of Independence felt very strongly that God created us for a certain purpose, in which is the pursuit of happiness. Interesting that they should precede happiness with pursuit; actually it's not that amazing - happiness seems elusive, so it is to be pursued. 

Interest aside, I think that pursuit was/is the wrong word to use. Pursue is too much like buy or attain, words that you use when going to the grocery or mall. Hang it all peoples, happiness is not a commodity, it's a fruit - a blessing. Does a tree think, "I want an apple, I want an apple?" No, it's too busy growing to be worried about what it's going to get. So, what am I saying? Well, I'm saying that happiness is the fruit of the right perspective. Oh, and another thing, I don't think it applies to attitude (thats cheerful, a choice so I'm told), I think it applies to life as a whole. It's not supposed to be a moment by moment thing, like Cold or Hot; so, to judge your happiness off of how your day is going is like trying to figure out how long it will take you to run to the store on the tread mill - it's not the right question to be asking. 

Back to perspective...

What I mean by "right perspective" is the correct depth of focus in any given scenario. Focus too close and it's gets really...well, have you ever taken binoculars or a spotting scope and looked around the house with it? I mean it's like, "whoa, what am I looking at," and it's really hard not to be disoriented and confused. I guess that's the picture of a focus that is too close. Get too un-attached - focus too far away  - and it's like inverting the spotting scope while looking out the window - you can't see anything well enough to identify it. But hey, don't get ahead of me; it's not really about balance between the two extremes - at least that isn't what we should worry about. See, God's our camera-man. He's got the perfect perspective. 

And another thing. I am happiest when I am looking at my life behind, and God's will ahead. I think it works kinda like this. Bad things happen and our responses take somewhat of a logarithmic curve off them; you know, start out high and gradually lessen. Whereas good things follow an exponential path - or something similar. So, in the moment, we are often more severely affected by "bad" things (hurt, betrayal, loneliness, loss, etc) and if we have a perspective that is moment by moment, then we're in for a roller-coaster ride at least. But if we back up a bit and look behind us and we'll notice that the lights in our past are much more noticeable than the darkness. Maybe not, I suppose; it helps (maybe it's critical) to be in a relationship with God; so if your un-happy and you don't have a relationship with Him, well, you know the first thing you have to do...

Does any of this make sense?

Another Sojourner

My traces in the sand are quickly erased
The blowing from the dunes leaves me without a trace
All that I've left behind and buried in the sand
Is a chapter that will be left closed - a slave so I can stand
The vacant winds will blow for now and bury what is past
And carry on the memories of what I hoped would last
Amid the dusk and faltering light I try to walk my best
Lest the wind catch up to me and bury me as the rest
On ahead I believe I'll find a haven in the sand
An oasis where I'll find some aid to carry me to land...


(I was trying different tempos, to keep from sounding monotonous. I think this one may turn out to be one of my favorites - I like how it flows uninterrupted, and all the words seem to belong - Casey Allen)

Finishing it up - Kinda...

I will say my thought...

I think a lot of life comes down to just choosing a way and running with it. I don't think God designed us to live in uncertainty and I know that He is not glorified by our bewilderment. And maybe a lot of the choices that young adults have to make simply come down to choosing one or the other and committing to do the best we can do on that path. Maybe God speaks directly to some, but that hasn't been my experience and so I am as uncertain as anyone. I know that I have a tendency to over-react, over-commit, and over think; and that makes me wonder if I am making this too hard for myself in trying to make the "right" choice - maybe it's just about not making the wrong choice. And the wrong choice would simply be the foolish one(s); so, what would wisdom dictate, becomes the real question. But you can still take a lot of data into consideration when trying to make the wise decision, so the first decision would be - what am I going to take into consideration when I make my choices; where are my priorities. I doesn't make it easier to let go of things you value, but it at least gives you a reason...maybe that's all I'll get.

just thinking

I guess I don't understand God. I know we're not supposed to be able to, but I like to think that we are able to be close enough to Him that our desires are changed to match His. However it is, I'm not there yet. And another thing, I like to think that if we are close to God then our heart, soul and mind would be in agreement with each other when it comes to making decisions. And if there isn't agreement there - if there is turmoil instead - then something has become more important to me (to either my heart, soul, or mind) than God and His will for me. So I guess you could say that I am there - unsurprisingly - and I need to determine what has become that idol. But that's not the main struggle for me right now, it's that I am afraid of what that idol may be, maybe it will be something that I can't bear to release, something that would break me to let go of. I know that God gives us strength to endure whatever He puts us through, but that hasn't always been enough to help me endure; not that He failed me, simply that there was some failure on my part. It hurts to release things, and it seems to be little consolation "that God will supply all my needs" - because it still hurts.
But there is a root somewhere; something that is causing the paranoria.

Say the Words

I'm vulnerable right now - and causes me fear. When I'm facing hurt I run...
I want to break that pattern; maybe I never will, but I imagine that I will at some point -  at least I can try. It would just be easier if I knew how to stand against pain. I guess it begs the question; do you address the cause or the root...

I'm afraid that it won't work. That I'll try my best and fail like I always have. I'm afraid that I'll just keep getting hurt and never really find where the dysfunction lies; I'm afraid that I have no better option than what I currently do. I'm afraid that I'll keep losing things that I value until I finally pin-point whatever it is that I am holding onto; nothing I have is more important that relationships, what do I need to let go of? Why can I not release my expectations and hopes? Am I afraid of dying? No, I'm afraid of being alone...

 - Ring the Bells


P.S. Hmm, a pretty honest assessment, if I do say myself; what am I forgetting? That I'm not here for me...

End to Begin

You know, it's feels immature to re-learn something - foolish actually - but I don't think it needs to be. In fact, I would commend you if you are able to learn at all, much less twice. So, there is no shame in re-trying; it hurts to forget, and it hurts to fail - but as long as you can get back up and try again, you'll end up alright. I would far rather always be re-starting than left for dead.

Thank you God,
At least we live tonight

I'm exhausted...

Look at it in a different light

I guess we're all growing up in one way or another. Even adults I suppose - I mean, we're always learning. Life is that way, we can be certain that there is a new realization - or lesson - waiting around the corner. It is an unfortunate person who is no longer willing to change his/her mind; maybe more unfortunate is the person who thinks they no longer need to learn...

I say all that, because I am hurt when I run into people like the two mentioned above. But that's another post...

I have an encouragement for people. And I want them to take it, and that is why I started out the way I did. My suggestion is to...ahh, idk - I wish I could put into words what I want to say...just, please don't ever think you don't need to be better.

With downcast eyes

There's more to living than being alive

- Anberlin

A clock-face earth

Turning the Ocean's tides
Left out beneath the skies
Longing to bring back a dream
The shifting sands never lie
Cities fall, people die
And love is lost amid this stream


If our life was a lie
Then it wouldn't hurt to cry,
Or lose a hope we had in sight
So we attempt to hide
With our turmoil inside,
And the dark curtains of night


But the sun will yet rise
And light up our eyes
To remind us that we have only life
And if that does not serve
As our reason to live
Then I don't know what will suffice

- Casey Allen

To my friends...

We're designing our life - writing the intro to our story. Coming out from home, leaving behind that definition that used to be us - and finding a new one. We'll make mistakes, our friends will make mistakes, our brothers and sisters will make mistakes, our role models will make mistakes. But don't lose it now, and don't throw them away; give each other a few years to work ourselves out before making any lasting judgements. Each of us are setting our new boundaries, lets give each other some room to make them. Lets help our friends that way.

But most of all, don't stop trying until you're confident that you've found the best that can be found. And keep in mind that the people we call friends should push us forward, not sit cozy with us, or drag us back...

"...look children to the eastern sky." 

This is who I am

I like being a christian - actually, I am being honest. I now that it isn't always bright and cheery, but it is healthy. And that's that thing; technically, I am in no position to prove that one "religion" is right over the others, but I am able to see what kind of lifestyle each religion encourages. I'm not going to put this in black and white, but the reason why I am staying a christian is because I can find no other world-view that enables people to live in harmony. Now I haven't studied every religion, so at this point this position is only a hypothesis - but it is sustained by all the data that I have received to this point. I like to think that when God created us, the laws He wanted us to abide by were instituted because we could only function harmoniously by following them - in other words, right is right because it allows us to function healthily and wrong is wrong because it introduces dysfunction. Satan is out to destroy God's crowning creation - in one way or another - so he attempts to get people to disobey those inherent rules. So, in my mind, "good' is harmony  - as God intended it to be; and evil is dysfunction - a destruction of all that God created "good". This is somewhat of a different position than many people may be in, so I am not introducing this as the "right" truth, I simply want to show a different perspective of the emphasis of God's plan. He wants to be glorified, and He is glorified by His creation functioning healthily - and we can only do that by following the principles He sets forth. So that's what rules are for, it's not like God chose a "side" to be good back at the beginning, or picked rules out of the air and made them "righteousness"; I think that for some un-explainable reason those rules were there before the creation of the earth; they were there in heaven when Satan rebelled, they were there in the garden - hidden in the fruit, and they are here now. So, suddenly God takes on a completely different look: instead of a King asserting his rule for the sake of power, He becomes a Creator who shows His concern for His creation by desiring them to abide by certain rules which will allow them to live in harmony and peace - He wants us to be whole, complete. He loves us

But the game is changed now...
We sinned and therefore dysfunction and death entered the world. So our game-plan is no longer to obey in order to create that perfect garden that we came from - we obey to spread the hope and light of the coming harmony that God will re-create. We messed up, He's gonna fix it - that doesn't seem fair to Him. Oh, and He's not doing it because it's "right" or because it is His character, He's doing it because He loves us and He wants us to live in harmony with Him and each other.

P.S. It's a long process, but in the end my conclusion with this hypothesis is that I glorify God through my
        interactions with other people - in other words, my faith in God is expressed in what comes out of me
        towards other people. That's why I strive for harmony, that's what glorifies God. This is where I am led
        in an attempt to be like Christ.



Any thoughts?

Humble pie is good

Every so often I must take back something I said, to admit that, yes, I was wrong - and the only thing that makes this worse is that I must admit that I do know the right thing to take it's place.

I want to take back what I've said about marriage and serious relationships - at least some of it was wrong, but I don't know what. All I know is that I am immature and much of my writings has revealed such, if you would happen to notice. So what am I taking back?

Affection is no reason for commitment - all that affection depends on, is who you spend your time with
Similarity is no reason for commitment - in fact, it seems God wants it to be the opposite
Understanding is no reason for commitment - A lifetime is plenty of time to grow in understanding
Convenience is no reason for commitment - God may want us somewhere else

...Anyways, whether it's of any consequence or not, I just want to make sure that what I share here be constructive input, and so I want the reader to be aware of those things that I have prematurely concluded. Oh, and I don't have anything to leave you with; except maybe, in light of this, don't take my word for granted - maybe you don't already, and that's good. I'm twenty, I'm immature and I've got growing to do; thank you for your understanding.

A soliloquy...

I like pictures and music. Each in their own way can be called something like therapy. I suppose everyone has those kinds of activities; the ones they do when they are upset or unsettled. And sometimes we find that we enjoy them enough to think of them as more than just therapeutic - and they become a hobby, or a lifestyle...

I have some honest questions for my peers...

Why don't we just grow up? What is it about childhood that seems so sweet and innocent and attractive? Can't we just move on? Where is the desire for something better? Or have we been so deceived that we accept what our reality as though it is the best we could ever get? What is it that keeps us pursuing vapor trails as though we will find any security in them? Is it blindness? Is it deceit? Is it ignorance? Or is it that, given the choice, we would really rather be a slave and un-responsible than to be free and have responsibility? 

Like I said, why don't we just grow up?

P.S. It's like that. When we're slaves and children, we have no need to think for ourselves. All that difficult 

        mental work and responsibility is left to someone else. If we're free and independent, then suddenly we 

        are responsible for our own choices and that is a weight that many fear to bear. So, if I were to ask myself 

        those questions I stated earlier, my answer would be - we fear responsibility. And the reality of that 

        answer is almost more discouraging than I can bear...

Can't we please just grow up?!?!