just thinking

I guess I don't understand God. I know we're not supposed to be able to, but I like to think that we are able to be close enough to Him that our desires are changed to match His. However it is, I'm not there yet. And another thing, I like to think that if we are close to God then our heart, soul and mind would be in agreement with each other when it comes to making decisions. And if there isn't agreement there - if there is turmoil instead - then something has become more important to me (to either my heart, soul, or mind) than God and His will for me. So I guess you could say that I am there - unsurprisingly - and I need to determine what has become that idol. But that's not the main struggle for me right now, it's that I am afraid of what that idol may be, maybe it will be something that I can't bear to release, something that would break me to let go of. I know that God gives us strength to endure whatever He puts us through, but that hasn't always been enough to help me endure; not that He failed me, simply that there was some failure on my part. It hurts to release things, and it seems to be little consolation "that God will supply all my needs" - because it still hurts.
But there is a root somewhere; something that is causing the paranoria.