Life is different now; I guess it will never be the same. But I don't want to leave everyone feeling like they just finished listening to an Anberlin song (although they are very insightful songs). I was encouraged by a friend from our church to journal some of the thoughts that I had accumulated over the course of the last few months - journal them now that I had a week off of treatment and felt sufficiently energized to do so. I have shared a lot with people who have stopped in to say hi and offer encouragement to me; but verbal communication is easier (and goes two ways) than writing, so I've fallen lax in this department. Anyhow, here's to Mr. Cleveland and Aunt Valerie, thanks for the reminder to write.
It's not about me. Ha, we all know that, don't we. God is in control and His desire is for His creation to love Him. And as we talk about "being used" to complete His purpose, we are alluding to the reality of our insignificance and His importance. I guess this has taken on a little deeper meaning for me in the cancer process. See, I have understood that my actions and words and thoughts were to be about God, for God, and under God's direction. But I realize now that when it came to physical things, such as money or possessions, I didn't treat them as thought they were about God - I treated them (and considered them) to be about me. You know, like I thought that as long as the outcome of how they were used was glorifying to God then it didn't matter how they were used. I guess it's not my intention to say that I have learned to treat everything as though it belongs to God, but the thought that has captivated my mind is that even my cancer (something that is, physically, only affecting me) is not about me. I cannot even claim that this illness is only about me, neither can I claim that the good that comes of it is only for me. That is such a paradox for me to grasp - That not only is life not about me, but I am not about me... And yet, even in this I have no resentment (it isn't really something to be resentful of), for I know that God does love me - and it is a knowing that is deeper than anything I claim to understand, but that is a different post:)))
- maybe more unfortunate is the person who thinks they no longer need to learn...*
*see Look At it in a Different Light on January 18, 2012
It's not about me. Ha, we all know that, don't we. God is in control and His desire is for His creation to love Him. And as we talk about "being used" to complete His purpose, we are alluding to the reality of our insignificance and His importance. I guess this has taken on a little deeper meaning for me in the cancer process. See, I have understood that my actions and words and thoughts were to be about God, for God, and under God's direction. But I realize now that when it came to physical things, such as money or possessions, I didn't treat them as thought they were about God - I treated them (and considered them) to be about me. You know, like I thought that as long as the outcome of how they were used was glorifying to God then it didn't matter how they were used. I guess it's not my intention to say that I have learned to treat everything as though it belongs to God, but the thought that has captivated my mind is that even my cancer (something that is, physically, only affecting me) is not about me. I cannot even claim that this illness is only about me, neither can I claim that the good that comes of it is only for me. That is such a paradox for me to grasp - That not only is life not about me, but I am not about me... And yet, even in this I have no resentment (it isn't really something to be resentful of), for I know that God does love me - and it is a knowing that is deeper than anything I claim to understand, but that is a different post:)))
- maybe more unfortunate is the person who thinks they no longer need to learn...*
*see Look At it in a Different Light on January 18, 2012
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