This is what I've been thinking through...

Stick with me through this post – it really is profound, at least for me. Maybe it's all been figured out already, but listen a little bit before leaving, because I think I may be have a different conclusion than what is what is currently accepted.

Relational “Drama”, you know what that is. And you probably think you can pick it out when you see it (if you can, good for you). And I think is agreed that people don't like drama; they can put up with with a certain amount of it, but it strains you and you get tired of it. So it's kinda become a cliché, like “I'm tired of drama”. And when you sense drama in a relationship you either go along with it, or you just kinda keep your distance.

I guess I'm thinking about the pictures we have in our mind of relationships. Ask anybody what drama looks like and you'll get synchronized answers; false pretenses, over-reactions, excessive acting, etc. Everyone (generality) seems to accept a common picture. Ask about what love looks like and you'll get a similar result – a commonly accepted picture.

Now, if you want to keep these pictures, if you like your definitions of healthy and unhealthy, then you're welcome to stop reading. Because I'm not going to paint a nice copy of these pictures; I don't like drama – and I think that each picture is just as much drama as the other. I've been in both, and this is the conclusion that I've come to. And I want to explain why.

I think the definition of drama is more than a matter of actions – external/physical things - I think it's internal. I have one term that I believe captures the explanation very well: manufactured scenarios. See, drama happens when someone wants something and acts in such a way to get it. It is a simple case of working towards a preconceived end; working back from result to origin and to discern what steps are most likely to bring about the desired result. It's manipulation, plain and simple. Which, by the way, is actually a good thing to do in some instances – but it's mostly job related, where it doesn't involve manipulating people. When we manipulate people and manufacture things in a relationship we lose the most critical aspect present between two people – trust.

So what is it that we want that would cause us to manipulate and manufacture our way through a relationship? Why do we (consciously, or unconsciously) introduce drama into our lives? For what end are we inflating this imaginary castle? Well, we want to feel good.

Being loved feels good, being in a relationship makes us happy, it satisfies us and gives us a sense of well-being. It doesn't make a difference whether it's the first time you hold hands, the first time you kiss, or the Nth time you have sex – it just makes you happy and naturally, then, you want more. Drama intensifies the experience. You can use everything from cute little notes to breaking up to build the “relationship” that you want – or that you think the other person wants. You can make the relationship play like a chick flick, a romance novel, love song, whatever you want; you can build the story, you can intensify the plot, you can strengthen the narrative – you can write a book. And you do so because the more dramatic the story-line, the more extravagant the outcome.

I should be saying, “me”.

Maybe you don't like my conclusion, maybe you disagree. Oh-well, I may be wrong (I have been), but at least think about this, at least analyze your own relationship (or relationships) to discern if this picture is accurate. I think it probably is – I only know of two relationships in my circle of acquaintances that reflect a completely different picture. That means four people, and all of the others (generality) sit here on this page writing a story - maybe for themselves, maybe for the other person – it's doesn't matter, it's still drama.

I don't want any more. I guess happiness in life will be less intense, but I think the hurt will be less as well. And I'm ready for that trade-off.

I'm tired of drama...

Some reconsiderations

I think I have made a mistake. I have been sensitive to right and wrong - constructive and destructive. That is alright I guess, I don't that is where the problem lies. I think the problem was with my criteria for determining the difference between the two. I have been thinking this for a while, it's one of the 'questions" that I wanted to answer - whether I have been basing everything on the feelings of my heart. In other words, if it didn't feel right, it must be wrong; and I would then look for the reason. See, I trusted my heart, it usually didn't fail me - it was usually correct. But I have been wondering of it was less accurate than I liked to think. What I've realized is that in many situations my heart does give correct guidance, but I have to walking right next to God - otherwise my heart becomes 'enamored" with a personal perspective, and it's perceptions are twisted...and it becomes deceived. And I lead myself by myself, the blind leading the blind. So, my mistake has been to allow my relationship with God to fall along the road, while I follow my own heart, as though it can think for itself, as though it will lead me somewhere other than where I want to go, as though it will sense something other than what I want it to feel. I am two distinctly different persons depending on whether I am following my own heart, or pursuing God's.
Maybe that decision is the crux of life - to follow our own heart and spend our life pursuing it's satisfaction, or to pursue God's heart spend our life finding satisfaction in His every design.
I guess that requires surrender, surrender of what we think we want - of what I think I want; a BMW, a Ph.D in math, talent on the guitar, or simply, personal recognition. Those are hard things to give up, but I know how to. It's my focus, whether it is on me or God. I'm just not sure how to keep this focus I have found here after I leave. I'm afraid that the influence of having to live "my life" again will drag me right back into to hole that I have begun to climb out of.
But I wonder if pursuing God isn't as suppressive as it seems, after all He created me. It seems that He simply brings out the "me" that He designed - the real me. He is what makes my strengths strong - without Him they are weaknesses. And maybe that is why it is so relieving to focus on Him instead of me. A lot of my baggage must be dropped, but it's just that - baggage. And as much as I want the recognition that my baggage brings me - I guess I've just gotten too tired to carry it any more. Maybe it's easier or harder depending on who is influencing me - my friends, after all, it is from them that I am attempting to get recognition with all that baggage.

Maybe I'm deciding whether to cater to them or God...

Who are you catering too?


You've stumbled again, please let me help
Stand up now and rest on my arm
What is the cause for your distracted eyes
Looking aside only hurries your harm

- Casey Allen

You are special

I want to explain a little more (it might help to read two posts previous) ...

So I want to be valued, I want to be noticed, I want to be considered special – by people in general, but mostly by girls. And it has been for as long as I can remember. See, I have seldom felt noticed by people, girls the most – like I had nothing special about me to merit attention. And I didn't; I never played sports for a team, I never was “in the know” about recent things, I was never good at anything and I always felt left out and unwanted. Sure parents would take time to relate to me, but that doesn't quite cut it – a person wants to be valued by their peers. And it seemed to me that most of the other guys I knew had something going for them, and therefore they had attention – me, I had nothing. So I was ignored. And that hurt, it hurt that people didn't value me, it hurt that I wasn't worth anything, it hurt that I was disregarded, it hurt that nobody thought that I was special. That is where I have come from, so many facets of my character today are direct results of feeling un-valued. I'm not fishing for support, or complements – so if you're tempted to say that I am special to make me feel better, just keep it to yourself, I am simply writing out what I believe to be the crux of the pain that I have felt my whole life.

I saw my friends, with “something special” about them, in relationships and so I came to the conclusion that in order for a girl to like me, I would have to have something special about me. And that went for everyone, I concluded that in order to be noticed I would have to find something that people thought was of value – it worked for my friends. And I tried really hard, I wanted really bad – and not just towards people but also towards God. God's side has been taken care of, but I'm still thinking through the people side. I think everyone wants to be noticed, by people and by the opposite gender. And if you aren't noticed, then that means you aren't special, and you aren't of any value – and that hurts.

I think this is probably ringing with a lot more people than just myself. I have asked myself why relationships seem to be the number one influence on people my age, relationships with the opposite gender. And why it seems that people need to be valued...It's just so immature. I'm that way, so yes, I am immature. But immature or not, it is an issue that makes or breaks lives.

I have to ask myself though, is it good that I want to be valued by girls, or people in general actually. I like to think that God is where He should be on my life, that I'm not looking for value from people because I don't feel valued by God – because I do. He took care of that a couple of years ago, I know I am valued like a son to Him, and that has filled my heart. But I still want to be special to people. And so I like to think that He created a part of our hearts to need value from people, and yes, from persons of the opposite gender. But maybe it's not that way – if I ask most christians, the answer is that I need to get closer to God, to really understand that I am valued by Him – and when I understand that thenI won't want to be valued by people anymore. That could be it - I don't think so, but I am trying to find out. But whether I am trying to fill God's place with human value or not, I know that our need for personal recognition – being noticed and loved – is what keeps us alive, or causes us to take our lives. 

I hope this rings with you. Cause I don't want to be the only one struggling with this - I know I'm not. Maybe this helps some of you straighten your own thoughts out, maybe it simply encourages you because you see that you aren't alone. Most of all, you are of value - that's what I want to show people - that's what I want to show you; I think it's where God wants to use me. Life moves on, one moment may make the difference between feeling worthless and feeling valued, don't give up yet - I won't give up either. I don't want you to take your life, not because of the people that you would leave behind, but because of the people that you haven't met yet.

P.S. Email me back if you don't want to be on my E-mail list, I just reset my settings, so more people may be getting this than want it...

A pair of melodies

Ring in the air

And come upon my listening ear

They rise and fall

To different beats

And conflicting harmonies is what I hear

I gaze around

To espy their source

intending then, to laugh and jeer

I find without
I am alone
So from within they must appear
The morning light
The evening dark
And I choose which to sing and fear

- Casey Allen




...hmm, it's like this a lot isn't it?

I want to recover my onside kicks

I don't expect this to make sense. I'm just trying to sort our myself out here and I'm more comfortable writing it out instead of discussing it with someone else. I'm not sure at this point if I will post this or if I will, yet again, save my thoughts as a draft only...

I went to a football game tonight, I guess that is unimportant (other than to provide relevance to the title of this post). But I was prompted to think while I was there, because I noticed some all to familiar thought and behavior patterns kick in - again. And I started to wonder where they came from, and what was prompting them. It's not that the game was a solitary incident, maybe it was the most acute I have experienced in a while, but these patterns have been a part of my life, as far as I can remember. And I am trying to follow this thread back, to gain a better understanding of myself and this issue that seems to pervade much of the dysfunctional side of me.
If there is any confusion in understanding this post it will be this part. i will do my best to explain some of my thoughts/feelings/senses/perceptions clearly, but I am not even certain as to what they are, so it may be somewhat incoherent.
So I went to this football game for a local high-school rivalry. It was between to large schools, and there were a lot of people there. The few of us volunteers were there because the dad of one of the students in the school had invited us at church the previous Sunday. So we came walking up to the group from the church (who were tailgating) and I felt isolated. That's the best word I can use to describe it. And I think that is the crux of the matter, and this is where I am trying to uncover more of what goes on in me when I feel ignored. Maybe some of you recall me talking about feeling "lonely" previously? Well I think this is the same thing. And as I think about the matter, I can pinpoint numerous times (and spans of time) in my life where that feeling has been present. So we have this established - in certain scenarios I feel ignored.
This is nothing new to me, I have known this for some time, but tonight was the first time I actually tried to think beyond the initial feeling to pinpoint what was causing me to feel ignored. And that is where I have not thought through completely. I have felt ignored and unimportant- lonely - all my life (or parts of it), so what is it exactly that I want, but am not getting? (we'll get back to this question)
My reaction to feeling ignored are also something which I ponder. See, when I sense that I am ignored or unnoticed I jump all in and isolate myself - but wait, if I want to noticed why would it make sense for me to go the other direction? That reaction has been/is probably my number one life influence. It influences my goals, my thoughts, my perspective, my choices, etc. And that is something that I wonder about as well. Because it isn't a constructive influence, it drives, me away from people and relationships - probably the number one most important thing to me in this life. I guess it just really hurts me to be ignored, so I try to isolate myself from what is hurting me - people. Isn't that ironic?
Back to the question: what do I want? And that is what I am conjecturing about tonight. Thinking of the game tonight, I ask myself what would have felt satisfying, in place of my feeling lonely. And the answer is someone coming over and sitting by me, to have someone notice that I was lonely and care enough about me to come over and make me feel valued. Maybe that is why I isolate myself, to give them the chance. So that's all there is to it? That's the root of the issue? I just want to be noticed by people? That seems so immature...

So then, I'm immature, because that is what it all boils down to. The things that I have going for me- math, cars, hockey, clothes, etc - I enjoy them because they bring me attention, and make people notice me - if they don't see anything special, most people don't bother to notice me. That is why those things are satisfying, because they bring me what I "want"...And, well, I guess that makes them idols, right? And the funny thing is, that I've suspected that for a while. Anyways, this is what I think needs to be straightened out before I continue on in life. I've got to sort out my idols.

Actually, my real idol is "value" - I want to be noticed by people...

Don't wait up for me

I guess I didn't quite finish my thought last night. See, I'm still thinking; still learning. And I don't feel that it is time to move on yet, I mean, I don't want to move on until I have served my purpose in one area (or until the area has served it's purpose for me). And as I think about the options I have - as far a next steps forward - I'm not comfortable with any yet; not comfortable with moving on to them. It's like I'm waiting for the fog to clear off my future and it hasn't yet. I'm not saying that I am looking for my life to be set in stone in order for me to move on, I am simply waiting to get my bearings. After being in fog for awhile you kinda need to do that; to make sure you're headed in the right direction.
I've got a lot of dreams - all the ones I threw out the window - and I am sorting through them all. God is showing me which ones are good for me and which one's aren't. And well, frankly, I still have a pile of them to go through before I am comfortable moving on. Because, if I leave here before I have them sorted, I'll just start pursuing a dream that might lead me right back to one month ago; and I don't want to do that. So, I'm still thinking and praying - sorting through my life and trying to throw out the destructive stuff...maybe it will be short, maybe it will be long,  I don't know - but patience is a virtue, ha...


And that's it really - sorting through my dreams and goals, figuring out which I am going to pursue...

About reruns

I think I'm moving forward, actually I know I am. And yet my mind does go back to mistakes I've made, or hurt I've caused - times when I have distinctly 'unblessed' people. And ,whether it's constructive or not, I want to make it right. Not that I've done something bad or offensive, just that I had the opportunity to bless someone and didn't in one way or another. And I think about that periodically, maybe I should just pray that God gives me the opportunity to fix what I can, and trust that He'll fix what I cannot.

And then there is this nagging feeling that after all this is said and done my life won't look much different that it has been, I'll just have a better understanding of my life and a different focus. I don't know this, but it's just what I'm wondering. Almost as if God lead me to PA, and then to AL (and then on I expect), only to help me realize/learn/conclude/etc things about myself and life in general. But whatever the purpose and wherever the goal is, I definitely want to be running things on God's time and not mine. So I'll just let Him lead and see where I end up.

Straining to live

Striving to find something just beyond my reach

I can't see ahead

The light that used lead me is slowly fading

giving way

to the falling mist

covering my tracks

so none can follow me

to find out where I am

My eyesight fades

The deafening numbness has covered the way

Loneliness aches

But feeling is the only signal of life

And this is all I get

So I'll pursue it

With all I have left

with my broken heart

my heart cries out

And it's lost in the darkness surrounding me

“This can't be life”

But it's the only way I've found to live

I must remain here

to forget the memories

that I've failed to find

the life my heart cries for

Why isn't life good enough? What more do I need

It's taken away all that I have

I can't sacrifice anymore

For this vain pursuit

I want to forget

what I want to remember

I want to release

what is keeping me alive

I'm giving it up

I'd rather live alone, than die in vain

From one mood all of my poems and songs spring from – loneliness. I wonder why. And, oddly enough, I want to be here, because it allows me to express what I otherwise could not write - Casey Allen


(I typed this in back before I left for AL, but I never published it because I wasn't sure that I wanted to. Well, granted I'm not necessarily at this point anymore, I think it's one of his better ones- so I'll publish it - Me)

I want to bless people. That's my purpose - maybe it's seems rather simple, or maybe it seems broad and indistinct. But it means something very specific to me. God has given me the ability to perceive what blesses people, and a heart to do so. It has been an elusive word for me, but I know that is what my heart desires. It bring me satisfaction - spiritual satisfaction - to bless people.

See, the majority of the advice about my future that I have gotten from people is about finding some physical skill that I am good at and enjoy, like it's the secret key to lifelong satisfaction - and thus satisfaction is dependent on the accuracy of my choice. It is not. At least its not the satisfaction that I am looking for.  I want satisfaction beyond that, and the only thing I can settle on is a spiritual satisfaction - I must be looking for spiritual satisfaction. Spiritual satisfaction in what I am doing. I'm not looking for mental satisfaction, I'm not looking for emotional satisfaction, and the only thing that is left is spiritual. And it doesn't come from using my strengths (such as math, writing, thinking, etc) to structure my future (so to speak), it comes from doing what He molded me to do - to bless people. I think that I have 'temporary" aptitudes and "permanent ones. And I'm trying to differentiate between the two. And I think it comes down to the satisfaction. 

Take math, for instance, as passionate as I am about this subject, I'm wary of it. It would be like a drug,a literal idol. I would always want to learn more, know more, teach better, figure stuff out - I would never reach the point where I was satisfied with what I was doing/ had done. Sure it would be more fulfilling during certain moments, but the fulfillment would never be satisfying - is that understandable? And it would be an internal paradigm to try to bless people with that strength because I would struggle between focusing on the pursuit of math and the urge to stop and bless the students. I don't know.

All this is still conjecture, but I think it is being strengthened. And whatever my physical pursuit, I want it to be something where I could bless people uninhibited; if that is math, then so be it; if it is not, then so be it as well.

Maybe you wonder why I do this, why I think, why I analyze, why I write, why I go through all this. Well I'm figuring life out, and I'm not so much changing my mind as I am understanding more about what is already a conclusion in my mind. I honestly feel as though I could go on, there are a thousand correlations that are falling into place that I wish I could arrange so that you could see them fit, but I just don;t know where to start. Maybe if you're a thinker you could work through it yourself, if you're so inclined. 

I hope that my blog has been a blessing to you in some way...

I'm not finding much time to analyze here in Birmingham. But I have had thoughts run through my mind that, given that I had the time, I would think about. Here are a few that I bothered to jot down...

I wonder if I excuse myself from being thoughtful of other people by saying, “I'm just being myself – just being genuine.”

I'm a different person out here – more easygoing and less serious. And I feel like people are treating me with less respect, and not taking me seriously – like I'm less mature or realistic.

The people here are more “Christ-like” (at least for these few weeks) than many people that I come into contact with in church.

I'm content. I've realized that when I focus on other people, my own problems take a back burner, and no longer seem important. I wonder if this contentment lasts.

I've run into a lot of people. But I seldom leave someone feeling refreshed. I want to know what refreshes people – I want people to leave me feeling refreshed...

Where do I go from here?

Maybe God doesn't care what career pursuit I choose. Maybe He doesn't care whether I am a math teacher in Europe, or a car mechanic in Minnesota. Maybe the significance of my career rests not in my enjoyment of it or my competence at it, but in the focus that I have every day. In other words, I'm looking for meaning and purpose in what I do (and want to do), but what if that meaning and purpose is a result of my focus and not what I do? That would mean that I God doesn't car what I do, and I am therefore wasting a lot of effort looking for the “right” career - one that I enjoy and that utilizes my strengths. Let's take a step back.

See, I have this unexplained sense of what is right and a desire for it– not perfect, just constructive and healthy. And I'm wondering if that is something that I should be concerned about. I'm wondering if this sense of rightness (or lack there of) is causing me to disregard things that God gave me to value – or pursuits that He directed me towards.

I'm realizing that as my focus changes from myself to others, the rightness of everything suddenly becomes an insignificant issue. And that makes me think that my sense of right was there only for myself and not for others. And so it saddens me that I caused pain and hurt all in the name of “right”, because I let that sense dictate how I related to others.

So between myself and other people, there has been a lot riding on that fallible sense of what is right. I wish that I could do some things over, I guess that as I mature I will always see things that I wish I could do again. Maybe the best I can do is to look ahead and trust that God will give me another chance to try again.

I don't know what I should pursue, but I do know that I want to be somewhere where I want to bring God with me. And somewhere that He can use my strengths for His glory, and I guess that the enjoyment will come from that...

Here's to family

I have a policy of not directing my posts towards anyone, but I am not adhering to that this time, please bear with me.

I have a younger brother named Christopher. I love him, I always have. And he wants my love, but he's just a child and doesn't have much to give me – except for his life. So he has opened up his heart to me, he trusts me, not because I've earned it, but because he loves me! And I've wronged him; and I am noticing just how much “abuse” he has taken from me – and it makes me wonder why he still loves me.

See, I'm focused; and when I'm doing something I don't like to be interrupted. And I'm self focused; am only looking out for my interests and feelings. At least, these are my weaknesses. So I hurt him. He comes to me and asks for me to play with him, or to read him a story and I brush him off. Or he grabs a wrench and screwdriver and crawls under the car with me and I tell him to get out from under the car. Or he see's me sitting alone and comes over with his snack and sits next to me and I get up and leave, just cause I want to be alone. He has a heart that stride for stride matches mine for compassion and love, and he keeps coming back. When I'm hurt I leave well enough alone, but he doesn't. He tries again. He has just absorbed the disgust and anger that I channel towards him in my weakness. He see's me hurting, he can sense what I am feeling and he just wants to show me that he loves me. He just wants me to accept his gift. He has put hims heart in the palm of my hand and said, “See Craig? It's yours.” And I don't deserve it, I'm not worthy of his trust – I hurt him and disregard him. But he says, “That's alright Craig, you don't have to deserve it, I love you anyways.” And that is from his heart. He has taught me. I'm four times his age and have 12 years of schooling on him, I'm his older brother – but he's the one looking out for me – and I'm the one looking up to him. Just because he loves me, just because I'm his older brother.

Maybe it seems that I am painting a glossy picture, but I am trying to be honest – when I look at him I don't see his exterior with whatever flaws he has, I see his heart; and that is where I read all this. And I only wish that I could give back, as effectively as he gives to me. And I don't.

Maybe someday Christopher will read this; maybe sooner, maybe later. I want him too, I want him to know that I love him. I want him to see that I respect him, that I trust him, that I look up to him. And that I want to be a good influence. A good, big brother.

Thank you for loving me Christopher. Thank you for being a good brother to me. I love you.

P.S. I like this picture, it captures the reality between Christopher and I...