It's a deeper question than I can answer in a moment...

I was asked by a friend if if it was right for a mistake to be held against a person. They had messed up, confessed to God (and anyone else involved, I suppose), and moved on. But the consequences have apparently sprung up, bringing up the question they posed to me. I guess the pill wouldn't be hard to swallow, except that the apparent consequences are closed doors - dreams, purposes maybe, that the individual may have to sacrifice. Sounds like the Old Testament, I guess, but what about grace? When we repent doesn't that mean that our transgressions are removed? It's a difficult question to answer, but possibly harder accept...

I wonder if rules/laws are misunderstood; or rather, their purpose is misunderstood. Their purpose is to keep this world in harmony - livable, sustainable, in working condition. Actually, they are for our benefit. Some choices inherently introduce dysfunction and others bring about peace and harmony. I really don't think God picked a side on the day of creation and said, "oh, I want this to be right. And maybe I'll make this wrong," etc. I think the principles of functionality have been around as long as He has - that's what He is. Alright, so where am I going with this? Well, we can make choices today; God lets us do that. And, because there is sin in the world, there will always be an option that creates dysfunction and turmoil.  Some rules don't deal directly with relationships with other people; they're intended more to keep operating harmony in the world: you know, speed limits, schooling requirements, and such. If those rules are broken - you may find that there are few long-term consequences. But I think the majority of rules - or I'll say principles (because often they are God-given, but not legally enforced) - are in regards to how we relate to other people. God knows exactly what makes His creation dysfunctional and He is saddened when we "malfunction". A mistake in this area can be forgiven, but serious wounds will scar, and you will likely find that the consequences haunt you long after the mistake was forgiven and put out of sight.

Um, two thoughts...
One; about the mistake - the more trust that was broken, the further the consequences will haunt you in life...

And the other thing; We used to be in perfect harmony, but with sin in the world now I think the focus is no longer to re-create that scenario - that's God's job. Instead, I think our focus should be internal harmony (so to speak). We will no longer glorify God as a planet, but we can do it individually; and that is the best witness we can be...

Self-evident Truths

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...

Some things in life are elusive - and it's hard to teach about them, or discuss them without sounding somewhat un-realistic. The writers of our Declaration of Independence felt very strongly that God created us for a certain purpose, in which is the pursuit of happiness. Interesting that they should precede happiness with pursuit; actually it's not that amazing - happiness seems elusive, so it is to be pursued. 

Interest aside, I think that pursuit was/is the wrong word to use. Pursue is too much like buy or attain, words that you use when going to the grocery or mall. Hang it all peoples, happiness is not a commodity, it's a fruit - a blessing. Does a tree think, "I want an apple, I want an apple?" No, it's too busy growing to be worried about what it's going to get. So, what am I saying? Well, I'm saying that happiness is the fruit of the right perspective. Oh, and another thing, I don't think it applies to attitude (thats cheerful, a choice so I'm told), I think it applies to life as a whole. It's not supposed to be a moment by moment thing, like Cold or Hot; so, to judge your happiness off of how your day is going is like trying to figure out how long it will take you to run to the store on the tread mill - it's not the right question to be asking. 

Back to perspective...

What I mean by "right perspective" is the correct depth of focus in any given scenario. Focus too close and it's gets really...well, have you ever taken binoculars or a spotting scope and looked around the house with it? I mean it's like, "whoa, what am I looking at," and it's really hard not to be disoriented and confused. I guess that's the picture of a focus that is too close. Get too un-attached - focus too far away  - and it's like inverting the spotting scope while looking out the window - you can't see anything well enough to identify it. But hey, don't get ahead of me; it's not really about balance between the two extremes - at least that isn't what we should worry about. See, God's our camera-man. He's got the perfect perspective. 

And another thing. I am happiest when I am looking at my life behind, and God's will ahead. I think it works kinda like this. Bad things happen and our responses take somewhat of a logarithmic curve off them; you know, start out high and gradually lessen. Whereas good things follow an exponential path - or something similar. So, in the moment, we are often more severely affected by "bad" things (hurt, betrayal, loneliness, loss, etc) and if we have a perspective that is moment by moment, then we're in for a roller-coaster ride at least. But if we back up a bit and look behind us and we'll notice that the lights in our past are much more noticeable than the darkness. Maybe not, I suppose; it helps (maybe it's critical) to be in a relationship with God; so if your un-happy and you don't have a relationship with Him, well, you know the first thing you have to do...

Does any of this make sense?

Another Sojourner

My traces in the sand are quickly erased
The blowing from the dunes leaves me without a trace
All that I've left behind and buried in the sand
Is a chapter that will be left closed - a slave so I can stand
The vacant winds will blow for now and bury what is past
And carry on the memories of what I hoped would last
Amid the dusk and faltering light I try to walk my best
Lest the wind catch up to me and bury me as the rest
On ahead I believe I'll find a haven in the sand
An oasis where I'll find some aid to carry me to land...


(I was trying different tempos, to keep from sounding monotonous. I think this one may turn out to be one of my favorites - I like how it flows uninterrupted, and all the words seem to belong - Casey Allen)

Finishing it up - Kinda...

I will say my thought...

I think a lot of life comes down to just choosing a way and running with it. I don't think God designed us to live in uncertainty and I know that He is not glorified by our bewilderment. And maybe a lot of the choices that young adults have to make simply come down to choosing one or the other and committing to do the best we can do on that path. Maybe God speaks directly to some, but that hasn't been my experience and so I am as uncertain as anyone. I know that I have a tendency to over-react, over-commit, and over think; and that makes me wonder if I am making this too hard for myself in trying to make the "right" choice - maybe it's just about not making the wrong choice. And the wrong choice would simply be the foolish one(s); so, what would wisdom dictate, becomes the real question. But you can still take a lot of data into consideration when trying to make the wise decision, so the first decision would be - what am I going to take into consideration when I make my choices; where are my priorities. I doesn't make it easier to let go of things you value, but it at least gives you a reason...maybe that's all I'll get.

just thinking

I guess I don't understand God. I know we're not supposed to be able to, but I like to think that we are able to be close enough to Him that our desires are changed to match His. However it is, I'm not there yet. And another thing, I like to think that if we are close to God then our heart, soul and mind would be in agreement with each other when it comes to making decisions. And if there isn't agreement there - if there is turmoil instead - then something has become more important to me (to either my heart, soul, or mind) than God and His will for me. So I guess you could say that I am there - unsurprisingly - and I need to determine what has become that idol. But that's not the main struggle for me right now, it's that I am afraid of what that idol may be, maybe it will be something that I can't bear to release, something that would break me to let go of. I know that God gives us strength to endure whatever He puts us through, but that hasn't always been enough to help me endure; not that He failed me, simply that there was some failure on my part. It hurts to release things, and it seems to be little consolation "that God will supply all my needs" - because it still hurts.
But there is a root somewhere; something that is causing the paranoria.

Say the Words

I'm vulnerable right now - and causes me fear. When I'm facing hurt I run...
I want to break that pattern; maybe I never will, but I imagine that I will at some point -  at least I can try. It would just be easier if I knew how to stand against pain. I guess it begs the question; do you address the cause or the root...

I'm afraid that it won't work. That I'll try my best and fail like I always have. I'm afraid that I'll just keep getting hurt and never really find where the dysfunction lies; I'm afraid that I have no better option than what I currently do. I'm afraid that I'll keep losing things that I value until I finally pin-point whatever it is that I am holding onto; nothing I have is more important that relationships, what do I need to let go of? Why can I not release my expectations and hopes? Am I afraid of dying? No, I'm afraid of being alone...

 - Ring the Bells


P.S. Hmm, a pretty honest assessment, if I do say myself; what am I forgetting? That I'm not here for me...

End to Begin

You know, it's feels immature to re-learn something - foolish actually - but I don't think it needs to be. In fact, I would commend you if you are able to learn at all, much less twice. So, there is no shame in re-trying; it hurts to forget, and it hurts to fail - but as long as you can get back up and try again, you'll end up alright. I would far rather always be re-starting than left for dead.

Thank you God,
At least we live tonight

I'm exhausted...

Look at it in a different light

I guess we're all growing up in one way or another. Even adults I suppose - I mean, we're always learning. Life is that way, we can be certain that there is a new realization - or lesson - waiting around the corner. It is an unfortunate person who is no longer willing to change his/her mind; maybe more unfortunate is the person who thinks they no longer need to learn...

I say all that, because I am hurt when I run into people like the two mentioned above. But that's another post...

I have an encouragement for people. And I want them to take it, and that is why I started out the way I did. My suggestion is to...ahh, idk - I wish I could put into words what I want to say...just, please don't ever think you don't need to be better.

With downcast eyes

There's more to living than being alive

- Anberlin

A clock-face earth

Turning the Ocean's tides
Left out beneath the skies
Longing to bring back a dream
The shifting sands never lie
Cities fall, people die
And love is lost amid this stream


If our life was a lie
Then it wouldn't hurt to cry,
Or lose a hope we had in sight
So we attempt to hide
With our turmoil inside,
And the dark curtains of night


But the sun will yet rise
And light up our eyes
To remind us that we have only life
And if that does not serve
As our reason to live
Then I don't know what will suffice

- Casey Allen

To my friends...

We're designing our life - writing the intro to our story. Coming out from home, leaving behind that definition that used to be us - and finding a new one. We'll make mistakes, our friends will make mistakes, our brothers and sisters will make mistakes, our role models will make mistakes. But don't lose it now, and don't throw them away; give each other a few years to work ourselves out before making any lasting judgements. Each of us are setting our new boundaries, lets give each other some room to make them. Lets help our friends that way.

But most of all, don't stop trying until you're confident that you've found the best that can be found. And keep in mind that the people we call friends should push us forward, not sit cozy with us, or drag us back...

"...look children to the eastern sky." 

This is who I am

I like being a christian - actually, I am being honest. I now that it isn't always bright and cheery, but it is healthy. And that's that thing; technically, I am in no position to prove that one "religion" is right over the others, but I am able to see what kind of lifestyle each religion encourages. I'm not going to put this in black and white, but the reason why I am staying a christian is because I can find no other world-view that enables people to live in harmony. Now I haven't studied every religion, so at this point this position is only a hypothesis - but it is sustained by all the data that I have received to this point. I like to think that when God created us, the laws He wanted us to abide by were instituted because we could only function harmoniously by following them - in other words, right is right because it allows us to function healthily and wrong is wrong because it introduces dysfunction. Satan is out to destroy God's crowning creation - in one way or another - so he attempts to get people to disobey those inherent rules. So, in my mind, "good' is harmony  - as God intended it to be; and evil is dysfunction - a destruction of all that God created "good". This is somewhat of a different position than many people may be in, so I am not introducing this as the "right" truth, I simply want to show a different perspective of the emphasis of God's plan. He wants to be glorified, and He is glorified by His creation functioning healthily - and we can only do that by following the principles He sets forth. So that's what rules are for, it's not like God chose a "side" to be good back at the beginning, or picked rules out of the air and made them "righteousness"; I think that for some un-explainable reason those rules were there before the creation of the earth; they were there in heaven when Satan rebelled, they were there in the garden - hidden in the fruit, and they are here now. So, suddenly God takes on a completely different look: instead of a King asserting his rule for the sake of power, He becomes a Creator who shows His concern for His creation by desiring them to abide by certain rules which will allow them to live in harmony and peace - He wants us to be whole, complete. He loves us

But the game is changed now...
We sinned and therefore dysfunction and death entered the world. So our game-plan is no longer to obey in order to create that perfect garden that we came from - we obey to spread the hope and light of the coming harmony that God will re-create. We messed up, He's gonna fix it - that doesn't seem fair to Him. Oh, and He's not doing it because it's "right" or because it is His character, He's doing it because He loves us and He wants us to live in harmony with Him and each other.

P.S. It's a long process, but in the end my conclusion with this hypothesis is that I glorify God through my
        interactions with other people - in other words, my faith in God is expressed in what comes out of me
        towards other people. That's why I strive for harmony, that's what glorifies God. This is where I am led
        in an attempt to be like Christ.



Any thoughts?

Humble pie is good

Every so often I must take back something I said, to admit that, yes, I was wrong - and the only thing that makes this worse is that I must admit that I do know the right thing to take it's place.

I want to take back what I've said about marriage and serious relationships - at least some of it was wrong, but I don't know what. All I know is that I am immature and much of my writings has revealed such, if you would happen to notice. So what am I taking back?

Affection is no reason for commitment - all that affection depends on, is who you spend your time with
Similarity is no reason for commitment - in fact, it seems God wants it to be the opposite
Understanding is no reason for commitment - A lifetime is plenty of time to grow in understanding
Convenience is no reason for commitment - God may want us somewhere else

...Anyways, whether it's of any consequence or not, I just want to make sure that what I share here be constructive input, and so I want the reader to be aware of those things that I have prematurely concluded. Oh, and I don't have anything to leave you with; except maybe, in light of this, don't take my word for granted - maybe you don't already, and that's good. I'm twenty, I'm immature and I've got growing to do; thank you for your understanding.

A soliloquy...

I like pictures and music. Each in their own way can be called something like therapy. I suppose everyone has those kinds of activities; the ones they do when they are upset or unsettled. And sometimes we find that we enjoy them enough to think of them as more than just therapeutic - and they become a hobby, or a lifestyle...

I have some honest questions for my peers...

Why don't we just grow up? What is it about childhood that seems so sweet and innocent and attractive? Can't we just move on? Where is the desire for something better? Or have we been so deceived that we accept what our reality as though it is the best we could ever get? What is it that keeps us pursuing vapor trails as though we will find any security in them? Is it blindness? Is it deceit? Is it ignorance? Or is it that, given the choice, we would really rather be a slave and un-responsible than to be free and have responsibility? 

Like I said, why don't we just grow up?

P.S. It's like that. When we're slaves and children, we have no need to think for ourselves. All that difficult 

        mental work and responsibility is left to someone else. If we're free and independent, then suddenly we 

        are responsible for our own choices and that is a weight that many fear to bear. So, if I were to ask myself 

        those questions I stated earlier, my answer would be - we fear responsibility. And the reality of that 

        answer is almost more discouraging than I can bear...

Can't we please just grow up?!?!