The Cascade of the Stars

Walking in the moonlight

Beneath that canopy

The light above is shining

But still I cannot see

My right and left say nothing

My forwards steps are stilled

The breaking of a heart sounds

Like silence in this sea

The cascade of the stars

Reflecting light as diamonds

Falling from the sky

To clear the way for me

If it weren't for weeping

I'd be lost inside this darkness

The cascade of the stars 

Gives me light to see

 - Casey Allen

A Harder Truth and a Longer Fall

I need a dream, I need a focus, I need a purpose- if I lose that, then I lose my hold on life. I'm not satisfied where I am, or where I'm going.

-

God needs you to give up yourself in order to pursue Him, but He doesn't want you to give up your pursuit of Him. If you've already given up you life in deference to His purpose, and if that is the one thing you need to hold on to, then by simple reasoning the conclusion is that you must not give that up. If God's purpose is what is keeping you alive, it's best not to let it go.

 -

That is what is driving me, but the plans I have made are not satisfying to me. What makes it worse is that I constantly attempted to ensure that these were not "my" plans, but plans I made dependent on the doors God was opening. So I made (or am making) a mistake somewhere. Either I have conceived expectations from my own self (and thus, have been deceived), or I have compromised my plans because of difficulties that surfaced (meaning that I simply need to re-focus).

P.S. For those concerned...when I lose focus on God's purpose, then I am distracted by other things that 

       provide purpose - relationships come to mind - and they (the person) become as important to me as 

       the purpose they replace. I say this not in order to reveal something about me as much as to say that if 

       you find yourself clinging to someone like I do, then it's probably time to question whether you are 

       focused on God's will for your life.

I am confused...

I'm at a loss - I want to move forward, but I am being held back. Where is this coming from? Not from God, so it must be within me; I'm taking into consideration something that is confusing my whole focus, and I must determine what that is; am I holding onto something that I should be releasing? Or am I striving for a dream that I should give up? Neither one has a simple solution.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but I'll keep it to myself...

A different perspective

 - Miserabile Visu by Anberlin

Music is a gift - not because it makes us happy or brings us joy, but because it is a form of art.   

Polarity of our Minds

I love to listen to people talk; to hear the chain of their thoughts and to understand how they think. The mind is predictable and I enjoy being able to identify and predict patterns of mental behavior. I don't know why I find it humorous, but it causes me to chuckle when I perceive what is going on in the mind of a person - perhaps it is humorous because it is expected, just as children find humor in what they expect. As one person talks and relates to another there is a process of mental actions that takes place as prompted by the input from the other person. It is a very simple process of cause and effect, and it is quite generically applicable from one person to another - and reasoning back from effect to cause is a simple task, very similar to diagnosing the cause of an engine malfunction on a car. I am not comparing minds and cars as thought they are similar, because they are not - even remotely. But specific effects are tied to specific causes, and its pretty much the same for all people - after all we are all human.
This is useful. For one can utilize an understanding of the human mind to address issues that are caused by dysfunctional thought processes. The majority of dysfunction, both personally and relationally, can be traced to a dysfunction in the mental process. And the most common cause for a dysfunction in the mental process is emotional pain and confusion - an imbalance of critical elements of love and purpose. But one cannot simply address the root of the problem, the mind is too protective for that. A "road" has to be made into the mind, a process of reasoning that is understood. It's kind of like storming a castle, except its lacking the violence - you have to disarm the defenses by addressing the mental processes of protection, and, each time a new barrier is erected, to work out to remove it before moving on.
What is most important is to not take anything from the other person personally, because it isn't. It is simply the cause/effect response of the mind trying to disregard your input and protect itself. Minds have a hold on people - and it is not often noticed. But the minds are not thinking for themselves, they are simply responding as they have been programmed - and we are the ones that program our minds. It's such a subtle process that deceit is very common. We are unaware of how we are influencing our own minds, and also unaware of how our minds are then influencing us. Know that old phrase "Garbage in, garbage out"? Yup, that's a very real reality, what we focus on "magnetizes" our mind and then that magnetization bends us.
So really what we must try to do in counseling a person is to re-magnetize their minds, which only must be done if a previous magnetization is evidently dysfunctional.  

Be Careful What you Wish For

Expectations seem, to me, to be an unhealthy part of life. I suppose that it is not a secret that they are harmful to relationships, but I think their destructive influence affects more than that. I think they also have a negative impact when they are directed personally - on our own lives. Maybe this positions seems a bit extreme for some people, and consequently I'm not attempting to present this a principle of life, but nonetheless, it is a principle I try to live by. 

See, I think that when personal expectations are present, it sets the stage for a few pitfalls: one, we can be confused between the drive to make our expectations a reality; and two, we are opening the door for resentment and anger if we are not able to meet our expectations. This anger would directed, understandably, towards the individual responsible for the "restraint", the guy who cuts you off in traffic, a neighbor who is keeps asking for assistance ("imposing" on you), or God, who would be responsible for any disruptions - out of our control - that may occur.

The two greatest fallacies of man, I think, are expectations and a lack of grace. I guess I'm not trying to introduce a "magic bullet" for all of our problems, but in reality our lives would be in much less turmoil if we lowered our expectations and allowed scenarios to play out the way the must, trusting that wherever we end up is where God wants us at the moment. Maybe the sounds very much like a passive approach to life - but I think we all will testify that lowering expectations, trusting God and extending grace, is anything but a passive experience... 

Maybe just a little more lemon...

Sometimes, I need to be reminded that I'm still alive; even when I've lost focus, even when I've tried and failed, even when I've been left hurt and alone, and especially when I can't see the road ahead. And yet, I'm still alive, and the life I have belongs to God. It's interesting how living according to God's purpose is a lot like dying; giving up your dreams, giving up your contentment, giving up your friends - everything that is of value - sounds a lot like death to me. Maybe that's why God says in order to live, one must die; die to this world and everything in it, even the relationships are valued the most; and in all reality, it's not that big of a step from there to actual death. And yet, God just asks that I trust Him. It's not a budgeted investment; I either trust Him the whole way through, or I leave at the door. And I'm giving it my best shot to trust Him the whole way through. So, sometimes I just need to be reminded that I'm still alive - I'm not dead, so He hasn't failed me.
And also, I need to remember what I'm here for - what is keeping me alive - and what isn't. God is what is keeping me alive, what I can get without Him doesn't cut it - it doesn't give me hope. Given that, is there anything that I should allow to restrain me from following Him?

P.S. I don't like vague optimism; and this paragraph reeks of it. I leaves the reader (and the writer) with a
        sense of half-formed resolve - like a glass of lukewarm water. It seems inaccurate, veiled, as though I
        am trying to indirectly address one issue by addressing another, irrelevant, one. And when a writer
        senses this confusion it is a good idea to stop and restructure his thought chain, so as to squarely
        address the issue, both in his mind and on paper.        

A Figurative Rainbow

A word and a color are much alike; both are beautiful, both have unique meanings, both can be combined with others of the same to communicate more completely. Creating art with colors is not my field, instead, the pictures I paint are made of words. Everything can be phrased in dozens of different ways, each one leaves the hearer with the same info, but each one also leaves subtle nuances on the hearer - nuances that affect how the info is received, processed and understood. Simple things like word order, voice intonation, and even the specific words used are part of effecting nuances. If you've ever painted a picture, or created another piece of art, you will be familiar with the vast array of choices that must be made in order to end up with a result that communicates what you intend; selections such as material of canvas, painting style, color blending, etc. Writing and speaking is the same; every word has different meaning - it "introduces" itself differently, couple it with another word and the whole flavor of the mixture changes. Maybe the subtle nuances can be noticed most in one's apology to another; the simple "I'm sorry" can be the most bitter tasting phrase as well as the sweetest - depending on it's nuances. 

Words communicate more than their intended meaning, they tell you about the speaker, they tell you about the audience, they reveal (and communicate) a wealth of information. Word artists use this data to gain a better understanding of an individual, and adjusts his communication according to the "profile" that the individual fits. In other words, using the information that words can carry to perceive the nature of a person allows one to put his/herself into the other person's shoes, thereby being able to witness how the subject would respond to input - if one is accurately able to dictate the subjects responses, then one is also able to word input such that the subject receives the precise, intended meaning. That may be hardly easier to understand than the prior explanation, but the gist of the matter is that if you are able to "taste" words and their nuances, and are able to accurately put yourself in another's reality, then you will be able to discern his/her reactions to external input, and thus, you will be able to discover a way to use words to speak what is needed into each situation in the subjects life. 

Maybe being able to sense nuances in words is a gift, maybe it's what makes one a good poet or writer, maybe it's a talent that God gives to some and not others - I do not know. But I do suggest treating words as colors, and treating each conversation as a new painting, and treating each person as unique; make your words count - it would be sad to reach the end of life and discover that you wasted the gift of words and speech because you were too hurried to notice the art behind them...        

Pathway

The pieces fall

Cascading from the hand

A paper trail of dreams

And tears

The unfinished puzzle 

Veiled in the falling sun

Which the stars are not able

To relight

Left just a thought

Was it acceptable this time

Are the remaining stone enough

To begin again

- Casey Allen

Hmm, It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I guess it's been less because of lack of material and more because if a lack of time and focus.

Sometimes God requires us to trust - and to only trust. We can't seem to determine what path is the best in all the soul-searching that we do. And we are left to simply make the choice to step through the open door in front of us trusting that God will prepare and supply the means to walk the path beyond. So I'm finally set on going to college, and I finally feel comfortable with being back home in MN; but I'm only trusting and that's all. I don't know if being in MN is where God wants me, and I don't know how I will find myself at Hesston College next fall. But I stepped through the door and now am attempting to discern if that was a mistake or God's will.
The reason why I'm uncertain is because it is easy to confuse the desires of my heart with the promptings of the spirit - and they result in drastically different lives. And I want to be certain that I am not following my heart, but God's spirit. Maybe you've been confused in the same way, and if so, then you know how vulnerable you can be if you're following your heart. But that is not my reason for wanting to follow God's leading - I don't think it is necessarily a good reason to at all. If God has a plan for each person, if He created each of us uniquely for a purpose - then out of a desire to please Him, I want Him to use me for that very end. And it all makes sense; giving our life to Christ, then, means simply that we are living to fulfill His purpose and not our own (not even our best interpretation of what would please Him). Romans 8:28 has become my favorite verse; And we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. Maybe it's one of those verses that people are tempted to not take literally because there is a lot of not working together for good, I know that I didn't take it literally. But I do now, and am therefore convinced that there is a lot of not loving God or being called according to His purpose - and yes I mean among Christians.
And that brings into question what is good and bad. I guess I'm not trying to paint a glowing picture of following God's purpose - many of those that do so are killed. Well, to be honest, I don't think pain and torture - even death - are bad; they are the consequence of sin on the world, but I don't think that consequences are bad. I think the "bad" is something (or things) much closer to home; think like depression, hopelessness, insecurity, unsatisfaction, loneliness, etc - that's what I think is termed bad. Because they are Satan's tools to ensnare and destroy God's creations and God's purposes. And I know that those are much more prevalent in even our church society than what I'm comfortable with.

So what am I saying?

Well...ask God to reveal His purpose to you and pursue that. Maybe that's it, just pray - I think you can be confident that He will be faithful to grant you that request. And expect Him to prepare you for that purpose, maybe pray for that too - He might want to prepare you before He reveals His purpose for you.


P.S. But you'll have to give it all up - or at least I had to. I guess most of what I held (and hold) onto in this life -  relationships, belongings, dreams - ties me back and keeps me from moving on. I think it's like that for a lot of people, but please don't let that discourage you - I mean, Jesus gave His life, more than that, He suffered the damnation that each of us should be experiencing, and you're going to let this relationship or that thing keep your focus off of that gift? And why? Because that relationship makes you "feel" good? Because that thing brings you satisfaction?
No...no...
Satan's deceit would have gone far indeed...