A Different Angle

Another time, another try

"give once more, this time you'll fly"

I just can't bear to hear those words again
My wings are torn and my hope has died

my heart can only beat so many times

I can only face “once more” twice.

Last time was one to many

I just can't continue

I shouldn't be here

But I've lead myself back

My hopes and dreams were guiding

My own heart has been betraying me

I can't go on and risk this again

I can't get up because I'm so afraid

I don't know how to heal the wound

From losing what I believe in

Where do you go

when you don't know the way

What do you follow

when your guide leads astray

What do you believe

when truth becomes deceit

How do you fight

When you've admitted defeat


...Wow, sometimes you find something good when you look behind you - I mean, you get to see where you've been and how far you've come. This poem was post from the end of October that I never ended up posting, but I was just reading over it and it came to me that looking back does have its advantages...it can be encouraging in the right manner.

Oh, and I was thinking last night that there must be a key - you know, to make life work out without so much worry and concern. Well it came to me like right away, it's a close relationship with God. Just bringing Him along with you through life. And considering Him to be an immediate resource at every moment of each day. Think about it, you get close to someone by spending time with them, it's not that complicated and doesn't have to involve a complex series of steps involving tests and books and studies - just bring Him along with you throughout the day. And you will get closer to Him, just as a friend. Oh, and that is the key, by the way, because He works things out. And so we don't have to worry about things turning out for our destruction, because when we are following His lead He will ensure that things turn out for our good and His purpose.
So that was what I had in mind; things are stable when my focus is on God, and when my focus strays...well, things start to topple.

I'm reminiscing...

There is something about the slower and quieter moments of the holiday that makes it easy to do so. And I wonder if it is a constructive thing to do. I mean, there is a difference between living in the past and learning from it. And for me, it's easy to be distracted by all the stuff I've left behind; and maybe that's what makes me cautious about reminiscing. I think its an honest fear, but I think I'm also missing alot. And as I consider this thanksgiving what I have to be thankful for I am recalling memories that from the past few years - some good and some bad. But above all I am reminded of the "lost causes"; the areas that I have felt as though I failed, the choices that I that I have failed to make (or made unwisely) and all the pursuits that I wasted time and effort on. I know that this is a time to remember blessings, but I guess it I focus more readily on the "curses" so to speak. And yet, even though it isn't all pleasant, I find myself thinking and reminiscing - as though it is some unavoidable reality. And in a way, I am drawn to my past - not because I want to be there, but because there is a lot of stuff that wasn't resolved constructively - and those things have a way of holding me back until they are resolved. Maybe reminiscing has just delved up issues and feelings that I thought I had dealt with then, and maybe it's that I want them to be resolved. 

I think that's it; memories - people, places, things - from our pasts, tend to have a persona attached to them - our persona, when they were relevant and involved in our life. And so they tend have a draw to them, a draw that can easily "revert" us to be whoever we were at that point in our lives. And this is especially pertinent if they are unresolved issues or struggles - to the point that even the memory of them can have that pull. 

Maybe the bottom line is, I want to move on. Remembering the thing that God has blessed me with is an encouraging thing to do. And I want to be able to reminisce, I just don't want to end up stuck.

It's hard to move on when you feel as though your past is incomplete - and I just want to feel as though it's finished. I wonder if anyone else can relate?

Thank you God for people...

And then there were two...

Life changes, I think, as we grow up. When we are children life is an absolute - meaning we live simply because life moves us on. Our parents provide for us and guide us (at least in theory) and we don't need another motivation to live. But that is altered as we grow - and eventually we reach a point where life is no longer self-motivating. So we begin to look for purpose to continue. For some this is a relatively seamless transition, but for many it isn't. Anyways, that in itself is a topic, but I am not going to compare those two positions - I want to go somewhere else with this.
I have been intrigued, both with how important relationships (as in boyfriend/girlfriend) are to the typical young adult's well-being, and with the weight that a relationship carries in so many lives around me (and mine may be included in that). And I've wondered, why?
So, back to the top. I think God designed us to reach that point - the point where we begin to search for purpose; something to make us look forward to each day and give us a sense of satisfaction when we lie down to sleep - something to motivate us to live. And He designed His purpose for us to be that motivation. But we are confused, or deceived, or both and we look elsewhere, most often to - you got it, a relationship. Yes, a relationship can give us reason to get up in the morning and go to sleep at night, it can give us motivation to live. And that is what we use it for, no wonder it is such an important factor in so many lives; no wonder why it carries so much weight - it means your well-being. But when a relationship is used for that purpose, it becomes a snare. Or, I should say, when it is used as the primary motivation in life - it places the person in a very vulnerable position, where his/her well-being is held in check by an temporal, emotion driven weight.
I'm saying there is a better way...
A way that doesn't ensnare, as way that provides satisfaction and stability based upon that most solid foundation possible - God. And a way that doesn't just provide motivation to live, but provides means by which to get better. It's God's purpose for you.

P.S. I am not comparing the two as though a relationship is Bad and God's way is Good. In many cases God's way will involve a relationship for the person, but God's purpose must be the first motivator, not the relationship. And most of the time it is easier for His purpose to be discovered and in place first, before a relationship is pursued.

Anyways, just my thought...

An Essay On Purpose

I guess I'm finding it very difficult to explain how I determined the purpose that God designed me for. Maybe that's because I didn't determine it, I just failed at finding purpose in everything else I tried. I guess that's how some of us learn – trial and error. That's not the best way to learn, I suppose, but that is the way that I have gotten here. Actually, I take that back – it wasn't trial and error for God, just for me. Maybe timing is everything, and maybe that is where God comes in most. But I do know some things, and I might as well say what I know...

I had to think. It didn't come by accident; it didn't come from running away from my problems; it didn't come from losing myself in my imagination; it didn't come from grabbing all the things I wanted; it didn't come from focusing on myself; it didn't come from taking a test or filling out a survey; it didn't come from someone telling me; and it definitely didn't come from me. It came when I was intentionally looking, when I was wrestling with my problems, when I was grounded in reality, when I let go of the things I was pursuing, when I was focused on others, when I was walking with God, when I was listening to Him, and it came from Him.

There is a lot of intention in all this, personal intention. And a lot of phrases and terms that would have disgusted me if this were you talking to me three months ago. Phrases like “running from my problems”, “focusing on myself”, “letting go of things”, and the most volatile, “walking with God”. They are so overused and used in so many different scenarios that they don't carry meaning generically anymore. So if my use of these terms irritates you or makes me officially “one of those people”, then maybe it will help you to know that they mean something to me – something specific. Maybe it would help to explain what they mean to me...

“Running from my problems”. To me this means avoidance. A refusal to resolve an issue in yourself or with another person because of fear, indecision, selfishness, anger, or whatever. When you are running from your problems you are allowing the bridges that you have built in your life to burn behind you. You flee the flames, using the very energy that could put out the fire and restore the life in that area of your life. But you run, and as you do that part of your life slowly dies eventually turning cold and hard.

“Focusing on myself”. When I use this term I am not referring to self-evident selfishness, I am referring to the less obvious short-term perspective on oneself. It's the focus that results in us pursuing our own satisfaction and enlightenment. Like in a college students all-encompassing pursuit of a degree in an area that he/she is 'good' at. Like in the attempts of most people trying to prove their value and worth to other people and society. Like in the demands of picky people that everything be “just right”. It's not the blatant “look out for #1”, it's the pervasive “pursue what you enjoy”.

“Letting go of things”. We all have things that we are good at, that we enjoy. But I think that “enjoy” is a conditional term for many people. Meaning, that we enjoy certain things because we are good at them and thus, they bring us value in front of the world. Think of it, and then think of things in your life that fit that – guess what? Those are idols. So, when I use the term “letting go”, I am referring to the acknowledgment that those things are no longer what define worth for a person. And when those things are released, the whole paper castle comes tumbling down and you are finally able to find a solid foundation to build upon.

“Walking with God” (I wonder if this is the most volatile because it is the least respected in usage. Faith and hypocrisy walk hand in hand for many people). But this is possibly the least complicated for me – it simply means keeping in mind the fact that He exists, and that he is my Father. And for me, that is as simple as writing to Him and talking through my thoughts with Him...

I used a term “Personal Intention”. And that is one that I coined. Yes, the process of discovering you God-given purpose is intentional; it requires you to be actively pursuing to find it. And I wonder if that is the crux of the struggle. See, for many people (me in the foremost) we have to be brought to the bottom of the pit, we've got to hit bedrock before we stop digging and take the time to look up and realize that – hello, the light we've been seeking is above us. We've got to lose hope in the room we're in before we'll take the stairs. And when we're sitting in that room, surrounded by failed attempts, we've got to desire betterment, or we'll lack the energy to climb the steps and try the door at the top...

- God help us

Clearing things up

I wish I could write all that is going on right now in my life. I can't though, there is just too much. And it's good, I guess all my thinking is finally translating into actions. I went to a service on tuesday night and I heard the speaker preach about how the reality of Christ changes everything – and it's the only thing that does. He's right. And sometimes it's me who needs to be taught that again, sometimes God needs to bring me to a place of destruction so that He can say, “now will you let Me do the building?” Haha, Yes Father you may. I want my life to be what You have in mind, not something that I dream up. And my satisfaction comes from seeing myself being used by God, not by what I am doing or experiencing. I want to reach the end of my life, whenever that may be, and not be like Oscar Schindler, who realized he could have saved one more life with money he would have got from selling his gold pin (in Schindler's List) – I want to be satisfied with what my life has been used for, I want to know that I held nothing back, that I wasted nothing. Honestly, I feel as though I have been wasting it, or at least some – but even that some, might make an eternity of difference for someone. And really, I trust that my sense of fulfillment will come from God, as I complete his purpose with my life, great or small. So it doesn't have to be something grand and noticed, I just want to know that I have completed the purpose that God granted me life for. It is my hope that, wherever you are, you will look for God's purpose with your life, and not be taken up with what career or lifestyle may make you “most satisfied”. This is my challenge to any of you who are around my age: many people will tell you to pursue whatever you are good at, or whatever you enjoy doing – and I'm here to tell you that there is a better way. A way that may you may not want to go because you think it means giving up your life (which is built to satisfy you). But that is a lie. The reality is that nothing will satisfy other than what God uniquely created you to do. So pursue your life like you want - what you think will satisfy - and at the end of the day, take my word for it, you'll just end up in a corner cutting yourself in the agony of your emptiness. But, live the life that God designed for you, and you will have a joy that gives you desire continue...

I guess the only question that remains is how do you determine what God wants to use you for. Let me try to answer that, just give me some time...