And some more

I've been struggling for awhile...I guess life is that way, even with God. I've made mistakes – and I don't like making mistakes. It's not that I have some innate desire for perfection, I just don't like to make mistakes. And I wonder why, I wonder about the cause of that fear within me. I know that I fear pain, emotional pain, but why? It's the same question, really. I want things to be right, I am afraid for them to be wrong, not out of fear of judgment, but out of fear of hurt. Yes, I am thinking of my heart, but I am also thinking of the other person's heart – my mistakes affect both. My greatest elation comes from helping to rebuild another person's heart, and my greatest dejection comes from ruining it. So, I don't want to make mistakes.

I've watched as my choices have resulted in mistake after mistake. I'm not saying this to wallow, just to be honest. And I try a different route after every mistake, try to follow a different principle, hoping that it won't result in more pain. I don't fit the definition of stupidity – if something doesn't work, I find another way. Eventually, at that rate, you can imagine that I'll find myself at a dead-end; every option tried and none were right...I have actually reached that point, and this past month has been difficult for that reason. I've tried to live and find something that I was looking for, and this is where that has got me. So, I'm gonna try something different – I gonna try to live for someone else. All my plans, I put them in a bag and threw them away; college, cars, relationships, jobs, life...I've dropped them all. It'll be less satisfying each moment, but I wonder if – in the long run – it'll be what I'm looking for. I'm tired of sitting in this room staring at the open doors that lead no-where...I'm tired of messing stuff up...I'm tired of choosing my 'darker' side...

...I'm gonna take the stairs