It is strange the ways God chooses to answer our prayers. It is definitely not from a worldly point of view - He decides according to thought processes that we can not understand. He chose to answer my prayer that night. Well, it wasn't like a flash of light or a sudden inner cleansing - it was simply that He attached my mind to my heart. And all that knowledge, an biblical truth that I knew and had learned (and been told over and over) flooded my heart. I wasn't at that moment either, it was the next morning talking with mom (one of the many times) and I suddenly realized that all my dysfunction, all my anger and resentment, all the failure and pain, all of my intolerance of weakness, everything, was a result of living in the reality of an orphan. I needed to prove to God. I needed to be good enough to be accepted, I couldn't tolerate imperfection, because it meant that I wouldn't be accepted. I needed to earn God's love, to earn His attention. And that was my reality. And all God did was reveal to my heart that He loved me. And do you want to know something, I think it was at that moment that I was "saved". I honestly believe that I wasn't His child until that moment. Because it wasn't until that moment that I gave Him my heart. I understood at that moment that He had accepted me as His son, not because of my worth but because of His love - the love that my heart craved to find. He had rescued my life. I say 'moment' for lack of a better word, but really it was a weekend; no sudden "Aha" moment, just a perceivable relief that deepened with each passing moment. A relief that turned to joy because my burdens were being relieved.
My story continues, it is still moving onward today. Out of the freedom God gave me I have realized a lot about myself that I had always kept hidden. I'm compassionate, caring, sensitive, emotional, empathetic, loving, vulnerable - in short, everything that I had considered weaknesses. And this is who I have become because of God's love for me. I suppose this part of my story is a lot shorter than the "darker' part, but if that is so, it's because this reality is so much harder to put into words - maybe it is just something that has to be lived. I'm different than a lot of people think I am - and that's because they knew a "manufactured" Craig, either a healthier or harsher one; whatever one I used to isolate myself from the individual. I'm not perfect by any means, I still struggle with all the remaining baggage - and it will define me for my whole life. But I am changing, and I am changing for the better - thanks to God.
I want to make a difference, I want to help others find understand what has given hope to live again. I see people in pain and I hurt with them. I see pictures of me everywhere, and I want to help them out of it. It's not sympathy, it's not charity - it affects my life, and may cost me it one day. When I see myself, I know that the only way out for them is to get them to reach out, and the only thing that I know will make that happen is if they find someone who will not walk away. Someone who can take all the abuse that will be heaped on them, someone that can endure pain to the depth that they will be hurt without turning away. That's what brought me out, and that the only thing that I can do to help - allow myself to be pushed, but to never walk away. And I try, but I can't, my baggage is still there, I don't endure, but that's not what this is about...
It's about why I do this, it's about why I analyze, it's about why I love, it's about why invest, it's about why I try to make a difference in my small sphere of influence. Because I know the value of one person. Because, if it means the life of a soul, what does it matter whether my heart is torn asunder - to make a difference in one person's life, I will give my own...it's what Christ did for me, Thanks be to God.
I wish I could cry...
My story continues, it is still moving onward today. Out of the freedom God gave me I have realized a lot about myself that I had always kept hidden. I'm compassionate, caring, sensitive, emotional, empathetic, loving, vulnerable - in short, everything that I had considered weaknesses. And this is who I have become because of God's love for me. I suppose this part of my story is a lot shorter than the "darker' part, but if that is so, it's because this reality is so much harder to put into words - maybe it is just something that has to be lived. I'm different than a lot of people think I am - and that's because they knew a "manufactured" Craig, either a healthier or harsher one; whatever one I used to isolate myself from the individual. I'm not perfect by any means, I still struggle with all the remaining baggage - and it will define me for my whole life. But I am changing, and I am changing for the better - thanks to God.
I want to make a difference, I want to help others find understand what has given hope to live again. I see people in pain and I hurt with them. I see pictures of me everywhere, and I want to help them out of it. It's not sympathy, it's not charity - it affects my life, and may cost me it one day. When I see myself, I know that the only way out for them is to get them to reach out, and the only thing that I know will make that happen is if they find someone who will not walk away. Someone who can take all the abuse that will be heaped on them, someone that can endure pain to the depth that they will be hurt without turning away. That's what brought me out, and that the only thing that I can do to help - allow myself to be pushed, but to never walk away. And I try, but I can't, my baggage is still there, I don't endure, but that's not what this is about...
It's about why I do this, it's about why I analyze, it's about why I love, it's about why invest, it's about why I try to make a difference in my small sphere of influence. Because I know the value of one person. Because, if it means the life of a soul, what does it matter whether my heart is torn asunder - to make a difference in one person's life, I will give my own...it's what Christ did for me, Thanks be to God.
I wish I could cry...
1 comment:
This is all so personal, sometimes I wonder if I should even be reading it! Haha.
God's love is overwhelming, but it's not just His love that makes us new people, it's His grace!
Over and over in Scriptures God tells us that we can literally do NOTHING to earn our way into His acceptance, and yet Christians everywhere are striving for perfection, especially the Christians you (and I) grew up with. Remember when we had prayer groups every Wednesday night and we would sit in circles of 5 or 6 people and spend a while taking turns praying? I dreaded that with every bone in my body. I have to admit I never listened to a word anyone else was saying because I was too busy reviewing my own prayer in my head, hoping that I could get it to sound good enough not only to God's ears, but to the ears and judgement of each person listening. No matter how many times I went over it in my head, I could still never get it to sound right when I opened my mouth and felt it must have been the result of my insincerity as a Christian.
I digress, but my point is I also grew up feeling like it was a constant effort to prove to everyone just how Christian I was. It's fruitless and kind of emotionally and spiritually emptying.
But really, take a minute to stop and think about that! We already know that we're mortal, broken, and flawed human beings and when it comes to living up to God's standards, we'll all fail miserably, so why on earth would God expect us to spend so much effort trying? We can't, we simply...cannot. There's nothing else to say. The more we try, the more we undermine Christianity as God created it to be, and the more we try to form it into an effort-based...religion!
Sorry, this is something that makes me tick because it's so obvious and yet it evades most people, including myself! I think many people, even after accepting God's grace, continue to try and fix all their problems themselves instead of letting God do the very thing He promises to do. Logically, how can we think that we can do a job better than God can?
Now I might be rambling and I lost sight of my starting point. Oh. I think real freedom comes from just letting go and letting God do what He has promised through his love and grace. Fixing us is His specialty and stepping aside and letting Him do just that is not only much more effective, but it's like stepping out from under a dark cloud of guilt. With performance always comes guilt, because we will always fail, but with God's grace comes absolute acceptance.
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