I'm not sure that I know what i'm talking about, or even if I am able to phrase it understandably, but I have a thought about marriage. More than a thought really, but I don't want to set it in stone. And it came in the form of a question...
What makes a marriage work?
What makes a marriage work?
Before you jump on your podiums and give me your opinion - think. think of what foundation you have for your conclusions. Because, I'm pretty sure that the success rate of marriage will not fall in accordance with your definitive. I say that with some measure of confidence because I have not been able to find any factor that is present in successful marriages and not present in unsuccessful ones (or vise-versa). I wonder if others have struggled with this as well. After seeing enough unhealthiness and failure in marriage you begin to question what makes marriage work. And I know that I have had a desperate fear of commitment, because of the failed marriages that I have witnessed - ones that should have worked (according to the factors present). Each factor can be a definitive in one relationship, but in another it can have no affect at all - and that means something to me. It means that the problem goes deeper. So where can the issue reside? What is underneath factors?
Well...definition is.
What is the meaning of marriage? What is the intention? We look around and see so many incompatible couples fighting out their differences; the weaknesses in one aggravate the weaknesses in the other. We see broken and incomplete sinners dragging each other out of commitment; and after more obviously satisfying things. We see rigidly proper couples spewing hatred with their glances because they are willing to bend no more than the other. We see self-righteous christian condemning their spouses because "God doesn't tolerate sin". We know that marriage is a picture of the relationship between the Church and Christ; and we know we must be without blemish to please God.
This makes us believe that a successful marriage requires compatibility; that weaknesses cannot coincide. We believe then, that that it requires a self-debasing denial of pleasure unless it comes from an "spiritual" source. We believe it requires the perfect match of resilient and flexible. We believe that it means that there must be absolute agreement of beliefs so that judgement is mutual. And we know that the relationship between the church today and Christ is quite ugly, so we assume that we have no hope.
And now I'll speak up...
Doesn't that picture look, well, "static" to you. Like we assume that the I Do's and the kisses and the rings are the accomplishment? Doesn't that make getting married the goal? As though the moment you are presented as one to the world is the moment of windfall or calamity? What if it's not?
What if Marriage is about the path? That it's not how well you fit together, but how well you work together? And the only factor necessary to work with something is a knowledge of what that "thing" does...(clarifying)...so what makes a marriage work or fail is dependent on how well you know the person you're laboring with. Now do you see the importance of communication? And the only thing that aids communication (other than God's grace) is a similarity of "realities". The closer these "lenses" are, the more natural the understanding is.
And therefore, etc...(all else can be inferred)
1 comment:
Having similar "lenses" sure helps in working together even if two people are used to different realities or different environments, but if their perception of the world is similar than they will always be able to understand where the other person is standing at the moment and what is he/she thinking. Having the same kind of lenses ensures that both of you start working on an issue from the same spot, so that before actually addressing the problem you don't need to walk another person into your reality and to explain how did you get to the point you're at now.
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