I have lived life in a very different mindset than I do now. That is; I considered pain to be the last result of everything. I might be given temporary reason to rejoice, but pain would soon follow - and it might even go back and forth awhile, but in ever increasing increments pain would return; and it was always going to be the last.
I lived in a reality where pain was the deepest feeling I would ever experience.
And it was very close to being true - I could tolerate a lot of abuse (still can), more than anyone else I know. But once I was hurt (and I guarded myself very effectively against that) I reacted - I recoiled and withdrew. I never have been very expressive, even as a baby. But pain would cause (and still can) an extensive external reaction, nothing else I experienced came close to even making my face twitch. So I considered pain greatest...
But I was wrong; pain is not the strongest feeling, it doesn't have the last say in everything. And I could have seen this all along if I would have been observant. And do you know why?
Pain has never made me cry.
The hardest thing for me to do is cry - actually cry; to allow a tear to slip down my cheek. Allowing myself that depth of uncontrollable feeling is the hardest thing I can do. I always sense it coming and stop it. And pain can never make me cry.
Relief does.
Relief from pain. Joy and happiness have triggered me to sob convulsively. Pain has never so much as caused me to wink an eye. Love breaks me down. That's how I know that pain is not the end of life - it has been beaten by Christ. And there is now something deeper.
Want to see me cry? Rip my heart to shreds and all you'll have left is my steel casing. But, patch my heart - even a small part - and I will turn away so that you don't see me experience the strongest feeling on earth...
1 comment:
This is great.
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