Something is really messed up inside me; something is just really dysfunctional. I don't trust myself, I don't trust others, I don't trust my sense of God's guidance, I don't trust my heart; I'm second guessing my decisions, worrying about the future, scared that I'm going to hurt people, and desperate because I seem to be ruining the best personal relationship in my life. I'm so many different people that I don't know who I am; I have so many different dreams I don't know which is reality; I want to love, I want to care, I want to trust - But I'm scared of vulnerability, hurt by relating and tired of being used. In order to spare myself, I hurt those I love; and in order to love them, I sacrifice myself...
But why do I close up so tight at pain? Why do I retaliate so severely at any hint of vulnerability? Why do I become so bitter at being used? My heart does not know control - either all restrained, which hurts others, or all released which hurts me. Where can I find the median - how much more will I ruin before I learn to control this "gift"? How much more will I sacrifice unwittingly to the stroke of this pendulum? How much more will it ruin me? I don't want it to be you...
God help me. Please, God...
...help me
But why do I close up so tight at pain? Why do I retaliate so severely at any hint of vulnerability? Why do I become so bitter at being used? My heart does not know control - either all restrained, which hurts others, or all released which hurts me. Where can I find the median - how much more will I ruin before I learn to control this "gift"? How much more will I sacrifice unwittingly to the stroke of this pendulum? How much more will it ruin me? I don't want it to be you...
God help me. Please, God...
...help me
2 comments:
I accept all the people you are. I accept you all the way. That's why you can't ruin anything. And you can't hurt me.
Dear Craig,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am here to help. Since you are a Son of the exalted Father in heaven, you are loved with an everlasting love! So. "...I have chosen you and not cast you off”; 10 fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41
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