Of Shutters and Swords

I  wear my heart on my sleeves; don't do that. It hurts, so don't.  It could be my strength, but right now it's weakness. And it's not about throwing my heart around; no, it's about allowing attachments that end up ripping parts away. And know what, it's no ones fault but my own...

See, I can't go half way. If you're attached to my heart then you have passed rigorous testing unbeknownst to you. And the farther you make it, the more painful it is when you're torn away. Yeah, there's pain when a relationship, that the mind wants, is severed; but that comes from a sense of failure - and i'm not talking about that. It's the pain that comes from losing a relationship that your heart was attached in. And there's no one to blame but me; God's design is perfect - it's not His fault; Other people have responsibilities - it's not their fault, and the individual was only as attached as I allowed. It's my fault, I was the one that wasn't careful enough - I made myself too vulnerable; and that's no one else's fault." So just limit yourself", they say; yeah, like I can limit my feelings. I can, actually, but it means using my mind to restrain my heart - and that brings tension, tension in a relationship. And that hurts. Really bad.

So how much can I take? Not this much. 

Don't aspire to be me....

I've been told that it can't be a good thing for me to analyze like I do. Told that it only makes me treat people as though they're "specimens" or something similar. They're right, I burn relationships out. I invest a lot into a few people; I study them and open myself up to them. And then, when the pain in the relationship crosses the threshold, up go my walls and down go my gates. And I retain with me the unresolved baggage of pain that makes it difficult to relate to the person again. I have unconsciously taught myself not to commit, not to trust and not to be vulnerable. The very thing that allows me to invest, locks me shut. I care so much for people that I can never love anyone...