And so on

This may be my last post for a few weeks, heading out tomorrow night for AL and internet connection is not guaranteed at the site where I will be staying- I may be able to find something on the weekends. So to all who are interested enough to read this, take care. I do have a thought I want to share before I go...

And that is this - life moves on. As time advances so does life, we are bound to this process as long as we are bound to these physical bodies God put us in. Moments pass whether we take the opportunity or take it for granted. And what I'm starting to think is that there isn't a "right" path to life. No series of steps which I need to focus on, nor get back on when I fail to follow. It's about each moment, and the right choices and wrong choices that each allows. And the rightness of each choice depends on where you want to be - or Who you want to serve. I struggle with my goals - check my post on July 20 - I have goals, I want to be somewhere, but sometimes where I want to be isn't a healthy/ God honoring place at all. I haven't followed any "right" path, and I'm feeling like I left the good in a lot of moments, and opted to take the destructive instead. I left a lot behind that was good, that was healthy, that was God honoring, that I would give anything for now, and yet life moves on, so I can't. I can only move on and maybe have another chance to make the right choice - towards the right goal. I'm hoping that I'll find what I want in the future. I guess I'm talking to myself too, but sometimes it's best just to forget what is left behind and focus on what's ahead. Otherwise we'll be missing the good in the moments that pass by us unawares; good that we'll see too late, and good that will be left behind - again. It's hard to drive looking backwards.

So to all of you - Stop looking back, turn around. Please.


 - until next time
   

How about walking with me?

Minds do change, mine does anyhow. We're people, we're not just heart and mind - we're spirit too. And that's a third factor for everything we do, everyone we love and everywhere we go. I've followed my mind and that doesn't work, I've followed my heart and that doesn't work, and I've followed my spirit - but I keep forgetting that I am, ha. So let's try to remember this time. 

I realized that I'm lonely. I have always been, and in a funny way I've tried to keep it that way. I'm not sure why, I just have some attraction to loneliness and darkness, wonder why? Anyways, I think everyone wants to be valued. God is there in my heart, and I think He's in the right place, but there is still a desire for personal friendship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking sex, or physical closeness (although that is what it is confused for), I'm talking friends, love, value, support. People to walk with side by side with. And we all want that, at least I do. So, anyways I'm the last person that would be saying this, but I'm lonely. Not lost and insecure, just alone, except for a few. So maybe it's more that I'm realizing that I value friendships, and I have only noticed this because I've been separated from them. So you really don't know what you have to it's gone. And I think the thing about the friendship we want is that it involves the mind, the heart, and also the spirit...so we feel supported on all three sides, idk, just what I was thinking... 

Well...whatdayaknow

I found a door at the top of the stairs

And some more

I've been struggling for awhile...I guess life is that way, even with God. I've made mistakes – and I don't like making mistakes. It's not that I have some innate desire for perfection, I just don't like to make mistakes. And I wonder why, I wonder about the cause of that fear within me. I know that I fear pain, emotional pain, but why? It's the same question, really. I want things to be right, I am afraid for them to be wrong, not out of fear of judgment, but out of fear of hurt. Yes, I am thinking of my heart, but I am also thinking of the other person's heart – my mistakes affect both. My greatest elation comes from helping to rebuild another person's heart, and my greatest dejection comes from ruining it. So, I don't want to make mistakes.

I've watched as my choices have resulted in mistake after mistake. I'm not saying this to wallow, just to be honest. And I try a different route after every mistake, try to follow a different principle, hoping that it won't result in more pain. I don't fit the definition of stupidity – if something doesn't work, I find another way. Eventually, at that rate, you can imagine that I'll find myself at a dead-end; every option tried and none were right...I have actually reached that point, and this past month has been difficult for that reason. I've tried to live and find something that I was looking for, and this is where that has got me. So, I'm gonna try something different – I gonna try to live for someone else. All my plans, I put them in a bag and threw them away; college, cars, relationships, jobs, life...I've dropped them all. It'll be less satisfying each moment, but I wonder if – in the long run – it'll be what I'm looking for. I'm tired of sitting in this room staring at the open doors that lead no-where...I'm tired of messing stuff up...I'm tired of choosing my 'darker' side...

...I'm gonna take the stairs

Places of None

Sitting alone

On the floor

Enclosed by four walls and open doors

Paths lead out

But all return

The stones beneath are cold and firm

It's raining out

And dark inside

Failure producing a desire to hide

Hanging head

Tired and quiet

Dying hope discouraged the fight

Thoughts stilled

No life or cares

The last future left is to take the stairs

“...this one felt like the rhythm didn't fit the subject matter – too much of a swing to it. I was trying to give it a halting, matter-of-fact, somber feeling; this is just how it came to me (I guess I just didn't want to take the time to reformat it).” - Casey

An Ode To My Parents...

I was just thinking...

I guess I always knew that parents weren't perfect. I was always told that, and I think everyone agrees that people aren't perfect - and parents are people. I was just thinking of the way I was brought up, the way I was taught, the patterns and behaviors that are with me now. And I just wanted to say that I think parenting has kinda gotten the bad rap - really gotten the bad rap. Like something was done wrong, something that has to be done better, something that has to be changed because of the baggage that has resulted - baggage that causes pain and hurt. And I see the changes that have been made and the intention to not produce the same baggage. But maybe that's the thing about parenting; no matter what methods are used, it will always be incomplete and there will always be baggage. Maybe God wants it that way, because He is the One that makes the method complete, He fills in the holes and takes the baggage that is produced. If parenting could be perfected, then no one would ever need to leave home, no one would never need to mature as an individual, no one would ever need any more faith than what their parents had, no one would ever need to have a personal relationship with God - their parents would be enough...
So parenting is not about turning out perfect kids before God, it's about doing the best job you can and then turning them over, broken and incomplete, to God to continue His work and draw them towards perfection. I hope that's an encouragement...

I am crying...

For Now

I wish I were younger...

When the sky was blue

and the sun was light

and the grass was green

and the moon was night

When 'gone' was short

and home was here

and help was close

and friends were near

When right was right

and wrong was wrong

and trust was true

and love was strong

But I know I've moved on...

With pensive steps

and choices made

and doubtful dreams

and decisions laid

With life before

and hurt behind

and lines so blurred

and eyes so blind

And with nothing of mine...

But a broken heart

and a mind unbold

and a Lord to trust

and a Hand to hold

I know I can proceed...

- Casey Allan

I wonder who he was writing too?

-Oh, the places you'll go-

I love this one, maybe it's just cause he manages to capture the essence and feeling of life. Not your normal poet, and yet, a poet none the less. It's a moving book.

Here's another...

Contemplating what I know to be
Covered beneath the shroud inside
I cannot end what I cannot start
I cannot unveil what I cannot hide

The light that enters is what I am craving
When you nudge door and slip through the crack
But a creak of the floor, or an uncertainty
And the darkness returns - the door fastens back

If I know I can't face you -to persuade you I'm fine
Or  I hear you outside and can't push you away
I'll spare my own heart - and sacrifice your's
The greater the threat is, the greater the sway

The inaudible cry is all the more urgent
The deepest rejection,  a sign of the need
But the acknowledgement of help can be painful
And it sometimes is easier to let the wound bleed

 - Courtesy of Casey Allen

I know You're my only Hope

So, God has given me a mind that desires to always be focused on something - intensely focused. Well, thats a good thing but I can't forget to keep focus on God; cause if I don't I get pretty unstable...

...Focus is a pretty 'influential' aspect of our life. I wonder how much?

 - thanks Switchfoot

My Kingdom For a Horse

So you've lost hope. You're sitting at the bottom of the hole you've been digging and see no way out. And you just don't know. You don't know what you want, or what you think, or what you should do, or who you want to see, or when you want to move, or where you want to go. Not because you have no doors, but because you've tried them all and none have lead out. And you're doubting everything - not everything external, everything internal - that's why you don't know. No one want to share what they don't know, because it's something you have to figure out for yourself. Or with God's help, but it's hard to ask for help for something when you don't know what that something is. So you sit, in turmoil, in pain – lost and discouraged. You don't even know if you want anything anymore. But you still want to, cause to say you don't would mean you gave up – and the next step from that is death...

Forget your dreams and aspirations, you want something small. It's not even what you wanted initially (not that you know what that was either) - it's just a simple favor, but it means life to you – you want peace. Not answers – just peace; peace from your turmoil, peace from your struggle, peace in your life. And that is all that is left to ask for, and God is all that is there to give it...

I'm there

...for the one who doubts is like the turf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. - James 1:6

Just the smallest step

I'm gazing out the sitting room window. Behind me rests a shelf of books.

Each author resides upon his own spine, and out this window their eyes must look.

Their thoughts, each kept so quietly hidden, beneath each cover, upon each leaf;

Their silent banter, their own perceptions – of life and joy and pain and grief.

This window has no convection or tint – nor does it alter the light passing through.

Differing opinions, profound and unique, are fruits that grow from each author's own view.

“See? God loves them!”, claims Rice, “And brings lightness of heart.” “But,”says Van Braght, “remember the price.”

“To serve Him doesn't ensure life's a balm.” “And that”, concludes Golie, “is the cause for our vice”.

I presume there's a parallel to our own existence – since, it seems, no two people agree.

I guess what I most need is not better wording, but to be exchanged with the book next to me...

So I'll think about it then...

How do you treat people you care about?

This is an interesting question - well, maybe interesting isn't the right word; Indefinite is probably better. I've heard it posed frequently to me (or in close proximity to me) and it has always been rhetorical - an answer really isn't expected, it's only posed for affect. So I have never undertaken to consider it seriously. It was posed to me recently, however, and I was assured that it was an entirely serious question - Deliberation was intended. And so I will deliberate...

It is an impossible question to answer without a context, and the context for this particular scenario is the realization that some relationships are permanent and some aren't. And the discernment between those two types of friends can be difficult for an individual. So the natural thought that arises (for an inquisitive person) is, "I'm having difficulty discerning this for myself, so how do I care for the relationships that I want to retain in such a way that the person discerns that I want the relationship to be permanent?" 

It's been a couple of days now and I don't think "permanent" isn't the right word to use, I think "enduring" the word I'm looking for. Because we are not in control, God is, and we know that he will remove us from relationships as best suits His purpose. The only permanent relationship that I know of is marriage and the only reason that that is permanent is because that is the one relationship that God will not separate during life.

So how do you show someone that you want the relationship to endure? Not endure time (cause that is up to God) - but to endure life; the mountains, the valleys, the caves, the peaks, the plains, the hills. How do you show that you want are willing to plod on, to work through all of it - that hardships don't cause you fear, that you are willing to endure pain for the sake of the person?

...I wonder if the deliberation is the hard part, because it seems that the answer is simple...

All that is needed is a gift; a gift that cannot be manufactured - the heart. Because that is Love.

Love endures all things

This is Home

What defines home for a person? What gives each individual a sense of permanency in their environments? Why do we sense a need to move on – a sense of transition – in certain scenarios until we find...whatever we're looking for? And why do we yearn to “continue” as long as that is lacking? And what are we looking for? And when we are content with where we are, how did we find it? What gives us our sense of belonging, of attachment to one area, and of dissatisfaction with another? And we say we get “homesick”, but what does that mean? It's more than just shyness or overload of unfamiliarity. Its like an insecurity almost, an insecurity that results from the lack of something. The same lack that keeps driving us forwards (or back) to whatever “home” that we're wishing for.

I'm going home

That means that were I am isn't home, and why is that I wonder?

And that means that I know I'm looking for something, and what is that I wonder?

And that means that there is hope within me of something “better”, and where is that from I wonder?

Home is where the heart is

So we move on until we find a place to leave our heart. And if we've already left our heart, then God help us, because we need to turn around - or spend the rest of our life moving on...

But wait

Maybe “the heart” in the saying is not our own. Maybe it's the other around us. Maybe the search is not about where we leave our heart, but maybe it's about where we find it! Maybe we are wishing not for a resting place, but for an accepting place.  Maybe that's what gives us the sense of belonging, maybe that is what is called home...

Daughty - Home