When a day seems like a lifetime, a lifetime seems too long

It's been two months - seems like forever. In the last few days I've finally let myself remember; one of the many things that I haven't done (it's funny what coping mechanisms the mind uses to protect itself). Here's some of what has come flooding back...

Washing my Saab in Mema and Papa's driveway during the rain
Talking with the other youth at Ridgeveiw church
Shingling roofs in Birmingham with Micha and Wilson
Rink-ratting in Cloquet with other hockey nuts
Running on the local country roads
Hearing the the doctor say "well, there is no easy way to say this.."
Meeting my treatment team
Chemo, pain, infection, nightmares
Being with extended family coming to show support
Watching friend after friend walk through my hospital door to say, "we're praying bud..."

The last two months have been hard; every day feels full, like I have to erase my hard-drive each night in order to make room for the next day - and that is exhausting. And then there is the fear, fear that tomorrow I may not have the strength to go on; but there-in lies the gist of trusting God.
It used to be easy for me to talk about trust in God; you know, He is omnipotent, holy, loving, etc. But trust has taken on a whole new level this past week. First, I have to explain that this last week was, by far, the hardest and scariest week that I've had, I mean there were times that I just wanted to hold Mom's hand (something I haven't done since I can't remember when). I had reached the point where I just needed comfort - like a little child. And I realized, it's one thing to trust something "is" and it's another thing to trust that something "will". And it's one thing to sit inside yourself and have trust in God's power to mold and form you into the person he wants you to be, and it's another thing to trust Him enough that you let Him in to sit by you and comfort you - because you know that He can and will. So, if we're talking in the context of lessons, it seems that God has Trust in store for me to learn. It's not in people that we can rely, it's only in God; and He will come in and comfort - I say that not from experience, but for hope...

And another thing; trust is a habit. The more common that something is, the easier it is for us to trust that it exists. And the difficulty - like any habit - is breaking whatever pattern is in place (or lack of pattern) and replacing it with the new pattern. And the only way for that new pattern to replace the old is to let the new happen (or to actually initiate it); and the more it happens - the more habitual it will become. So, for me, that means that I continue to wake up every morning even though I lack the strength to face each day; it means that I take my thoughts captive and refuse to worry about tomorrow even though I know that it will be one more day than I have the ability to face.

And about taking thoughts captive...
That's a habit as well; it's the self-control to stop thinking about the lies that Satan tries to discourage us with and to focus on the truth. And the only way to do that is to "do that", when the valley is too long and dark and our mind is overwhelmed with the lies we choose to turn from the dark and think on God and the light that is always present...