God Help Me

Something is really messed up inside me; something is just really dysfunctional. I don't trust myself, I don't trust others, I don't trust my sense of God's guidance, I don't trust my heart; I'm second guessing my decisions, worrying about the future, scared that I'm going to hurt people, and desperate because I seem to be ruining the best personal relationship in my life. I'm so many different people that I don't know who I am; I have so many different dreams I don't know which is reality; I want to love, I want to care, I want to trust - But I'm scared of vulnerability, hurt by relating and tired of being used. In order to spare myself, I hurt those I love; and in order to love them, I sacrifice myself...

But why do I close up so tight at pain? Why do I retaliate so severely at any hint of vulnerability? Why do I become so bitter at being used? My heart does not know control - either all restrained, which hurts others, or all released which hurts me. Where can I find the median - how much more will I ruin before I learn to control this "gift"? How much more will I sacrifice unwittingly to the stroke of this pendulum? How much more will it ruin me? I don't want it to be you...

God help me. Please, God...
...help me

In the death of life

God, someday...someday this will all be worked out.

An Update

Maybe the heart is more important in a serious relationship than the mind - it sure adds "color", I'll give it that. But the mind ensures that the heart won't be hurt, so if it means anything, the mind should be initiated first in a relationship. If not, then there will be tension; and when the heart has been drained to its limit - for better or for worse - it shuts down. It's not neccesarily a bad thing though, because the subsiding emotions are no longer able to cloud judgement and obstruct the mind from thinking "straight". Maybe you've been here before, maybe you haven't; either way, that's where I am right now and it feels suprisingly un-dysfunctional. I guess you know what I mean, no matter how right the relationship seems/ feels, if the heart starts to dictate the mind - the relationship will be destroyed. I've done that enough, I'm leaving it in God's hand now - and I pray that you aren't hurt by how His plan plays out (but really, I'd rather you be hurt by His plan than by my plan; if worst comes to worst).
Nevertheless, the heart is strangely capable of feeling gratitude even when it is on "leave" (so to speak), and I'm extremely grateful right now for you - a very interesting conundrum, I'll have to think it through and post my explanation later, ha...

Til' We Have Faces

Humans are so wonderfully complex (a testament to God's perfect design); want Proof? It's here; humans are not exclusively logical - in structure, that is. If we were given only logic in our makeup then our mindset would be persuaded by a simple argument. As it is, it normally takes more than that to persuade us (at least most of us); and therefore, there is more than a mind within us. We have a heart as well - but we all know that, and I'm not here to rehash. So, what am I getting to?
Well, being comprised of those two factors results in some very interesting personal chemistry (it is a life's study unto itself, and I'm not going there now). The area I am applying our makeup to is the area of first-impressions and the answer to the question, "Who am I?" (hang with me here).
I am constantly amazed at the random individuals who, upon first meeting me, relate to me as a person and remove their personal masks. What makes this surprising, is that I then witness that veil fall back into place when they begin to relate to other people again. I'm not talking about the pseudo-vulnerability of chronic belly-achers. or the shallow openness of Obsessive, Compulsive, PErsonal, Data Sharers"(Ocpeds, ha). I'm talking about Store cashiers, garage mechanics, mall shoppers, bus riders, etc. People who have no reason, nor a need, to be open, but who still choose to be in a position of vulnerability before me: why is that? It doesn't happen all the time either, it's intermittent. But there's no tangible (logically based) reason that corresponds with the situation: it's not attire, it's not mood, it's not even actions - it goes beyond that.
Let's bring in another issue; the people that my heart goes out to. It's not uncommon for a person's heart to want to reach out to others, what is strange is how it "determines" (what a paradox, using a logical term for a very illogical action) the people it reaches out to - cares for. In this case, as well, the factor is not tangible or mentally perceivable; it simply has nothing to do with the person's "aura".
Now to tie it together...
The most interesting part of the chemistry of our humanity (at least to me) is that we have a sixth-sense (cliche-ish, I know), but I'm not sure what else to call it - and it's distinctly different than intuition, it's subconscious. It's a sense that, among other things, allows our hearts to perceive genuineness and sincerity in other people's behaviors, words and feelings. If the is genuine towards us then we are tempted to be genuine in return. It is definitely not a logical thing, in fact, any hint of structure or design in the other person's behavior instantly voids that sense of genuineness - even if they are.The selection of people mentioned in the above two paragraphs depends on this sense.
So what does this have to do with the question, "Who am I?" Well, I need a gauge - an external indicator - to tell me who I am, because I'm internally confused. And this is it. I just look at who I am when people are approaching me genuinely, sincerely - Vulnerably. And, in most cases, that will mean that they sense the same in me - or at least a desire to be..
Hang a bit, this just came to me! I mean literally, as I was typing those last seven words. Ok, so yes, my heart senses genuiness in others and opens up to them. But why does it "go out" to others (and I'm not talking about emotions or love in this post, btw); and you know what, I think it's because it senses that they sincerely desire to be genuine, but they don't know how (or who). And my being genuine and sincere with them encourages their heart to respond with the same...

Somehow, sensing that desire gives me an accute understanding that the other individual is a real "person" - housing a heart and soul, worth my life if I were to lay it down; an realization that enables me to understand how Jesus was willing to die in my place...

...I've got to stop. I'm crying...
   

We are creations

God created each person unique; each with a different aspect of His character - it's what makes the Body of Christ able to function. Toes, arms, ears, hearts; the whole body needs the whole body to function wholly. Our personalities vary, our perceptions vary, our aspirations vary; what I struggle with though, is deciding who I am created to be. See, I can mold myself into a lot of different "people", and I do so to protect myself. What scares me, is that now I'm not sure which one is really me - the one God created me as. And really, I wonder how I am to find out.

And what scares me more is that I ruin my future by being someone I'm not...

Who's To Say?

What is "Good" and what defines "Bad"? Who's to say? Sure, Jump up on your soapboxes and start condemning me for questioning "Absolute Truth", but give me a break  - do we even know. Come down off your boxes, unplug your ears, and quite your hollering - Listen. We've got "Right behavior Protocols" in our minds. In other words we think that right and wrong is black and white; such and such is always right and such and such is always wrong - am I not correct? This is where we end up if we take absolute truth to far. See, try and apply Right Behavior Protocols to relationships - it messes everything. People are so different; we respond different, think different, perceive different" - and so if "Right" is what is good and healthy, then by definition "Rightness" is relevant to the person and scenario. Wow, is that theological? (Stay with me)

But Rightness and Truth are different...

Could it be that Truth is indeed absolute, but that Rightness is relevant? See, what if Truth applies to ground-work - basis - the foundation by which people make decisions. Picture a blank plane, nothing below it, nothing above, and on that plane everyone exists. Absolute truth applies to that plane; everyone - I repeat - everyone takes some basis of reality at face value, building with them- just as mathematicians do with certain concepts. These are truths that the person does not try to prove or provide basis for. The plane is made of those truths and above the plane everyone erects castles of existence. So, the question becomes, is the plane below each person's at the same level or does absolute truth fluctuate for each persons existence - and I'll let you answer that for yourself...     

I Almost Cried...

What if relational "healthiness" is  not about being in a position of security? What if it's not decided by the presence (or lack) of pain in life? What if it is determined solely by the whether God's love is present in the relationship?

...And pain is a result of love in a fallen world.

Of Shutters and Swords

I  wear my heart on my sleeves; don't do that. It hurts, so don't.  It could be my strength, but right now it's weakness. And it's not about throwing my heart around; no, it's about allowing attachments that end up ripping parts away. And know what, it's no ones fault but my own...

See, I can't go half way. If you're attached to my heart then you have passed rigorous testing unbeknownst to you. And the farther you make it, the more painful it is when you're torn away. Yeah, there's pain when a relationship, that the mind wants, is severed; but that comes from a sense of failure - and i'm not talking about that. It's the pain that comes from losing a relationship that your heart was attached in. And there's no one to blame but me; God's design is perfect - it's not His fault; Other people have responsibilities - it's not their fault, and the individual was only as attached as I allowed. It's my fault, I was the one that wasn't careful enough - I made myself too vulnerable; and that's no one else's fault." So just limit yourself", they say; yeah, like I can limit my feelings. I can, actually, but it means using my mind to restrain my heart - and that brings tension, tension in a relationship. And that hurts. Really bad.

So how much can I take? Not this much. 

Don't aspire to be me....

I've been told that it can't be a good thing for me to analyze like I do. Told that it only makes me treat people as though they're "specimens" or something similar. They're right, I burn relationships out. I invest a lot into a few people; I study them and open myself up to them. And then, when the pain in the relationship crosses the threshold, up go my walls and down go my gates. And I retain with me the unresolved baggage of pain that makes it difficult to relate to the person again. I have unconsciously taught myself not to commit, not to trust and not to be vulnerable. The very thing that allows me to invest, locks me shut. I care so much for people that I can never love anyone...

"So, nothing is new under the moon - it's all just dramantasy"

What do you aspire to be? And how does that shape who you are?

Fantasy...
You've been told too; Pursue your dreams, Reach for your star, Make a wish (when you blow out a candle, puff away a dandelion, see a shooting star, etc and the list goes on). People my age are supposed to "dream big" and "run free" after those imaginations like it's that  f***'n easy. And I - can't - stand - that... savvy? But that's not the real issue

...No one asked what was driving those aspirations...

What if...
those aspirations were driven by pain - pain and withdrawal from relationships? Or what if it was failure - failure of a responsibility? See, then suddenly its "Uh-Oh, that's not a very healthy dream".

And Drama...
What does "Run free" mean - translation: make it happen. And drama is how we make it happen. We have dreams; and, convinced that we want them, we manipulate and structure our life to bring the dream to reality - but guess what, that drama never leaves, the mind is convinced with a farce.
Congratulations, that "drama" has now become reality... 

 - Dramantasy, its a portmanteau of mine to describe how I view life - figure out what words I combined to make it...

P.S. Don't aspire to what I communicate here; Only trust what is worthy of trust...

Relationships - some thoughts on love

Think of some of your relationships; the ones with individuals of the opposite sex. And then think about your feelings for each of them. Can you quantify or explain them? More importantly, are you sure? Our American society gives us so many different definitions of "love", and who's to say which one is right? I mean, even Christians have it all confused; you've got some people claiming that it has nothing to do with feeling "because huggin' and smoochin' don't last, and beauty is only skin deep - character is all that matters". And then you've got those who are only looking for happiness and satisfaction in a relationship, in other words, basing the seriousness of relationship on the magnitude of the euphoric feelings involved. Honestly, I don't agree with either - I only agree partially with both. But anyways, here's what I think - I'm not saying it's right or anything, it's just what I think. read it and see if you understand...

Have you ever, like me, felt tension in those relationships (oh, and I'm not talking about simple acquaintance relationships, if you get my drift)? Have you ever wondered where it came from, or did you just ignore it? Maybe its just me, but I've felt that tension quite often. Its like an intermittent, internal turmoil - although it strangely, can also be like an self-abhorrence. Where it comes from and why it's present so often in my life is a question is struggle with alot. I mean, sure, I can call it "fear of commitment, but that doesn't help me find out why it's there. The fear itself is really just a result of the tension, so its kinda redundant to say that the tension is simply a fear of commitment. So, what is causing the tension? Take a look at the two "definitions" of love in the previous paragraph, do they suggest anything to you? Look at it this way, the people who define love in the first example are basing relationship soley on what's logical and makes sense - in other words the mind, right? And the people in the second example are basing it on what feels right - which would be the heart, would it not? Well, guess what? If that's true, then there's really two factors to relationships; one is the mind and one is the heart. And really, I think this is where the tension comes in; see, they each want to commit for different reasons. The heart wants to commit when it feels secure in a relationship, and the mind wants to commit when the scenario makes sense logically; and when one of them is for the relationship and the other isn't, then there is constant tension - and it doesn't matter which of the two is actually followed, if there isn't agreement, then tension is there. So then, Love would really be the agreement of both facets; the mind desiring the relationship because it "makes sense" and the heart desiring the the same, because it feels secure enough to allow the vulnerability of emotions in the relationship. Heh, I wonder if this is making sense to anyone...

Can't Sleep...

Why do we believe? Why do we trust? Or more importantly, who do we trust? Can we trust neighbors, mere acquaintances that we hardly know? Can we trust our friends, the people we smile for and hang with? Or how about our families, the ones we ache for and laugh with? And how about ourselves, the one person we think we know the best? Think about it...


And then, what if that was all screwed up? What if you found out that you couldn't trust yourself - that you were deceiving you, and all you had done was take advantage of yourself; and therefore, also had taken advantage of the people you had trusted? What happens then? Tables turn. Suddenly, the people you trust the most are those with the most objective opinions, opinions least affected by your self-deceit - In other words, those people who are farthest from you.


It becomes a mess does it not? Welcome to my world...
But what if there's another answer? Could it be that we are not meant to be trusted? If that is the case, then trust would only be warranted by the presence of something trustworthy. And might that not be God? Might His presence determine the trustworthiness of a person? Or, maybe we can't be trusted at all, and only by trusting in Him are we able to suffer all of our deceit and selfishness. In other words; Do we trust people through God, or do we trust God through people?

So, First Things First...

I had someone ask me recently why I do this, why I spend time and effort to analyze life...
It's an honest, and difficult, question; I mean, do I do this because I crave the feeling of control it gives me, or because it gives me some sort of purpose? Or maybe I do this because I don't like limits and I simply want an understanding of everything; is that why? Yes, on all of those answers - to a point. Lets just say that they are all "facets", of why I do this, but the answer is more complicated. We all have been created uniquely, and for a purpose. God put in me a desire to exercise my mind, to stretch it and use it - it's an ability that is both a great strength of mine as well as an unfortunate weakness. He also gave me a sensitive heart, one that is jolted into action not only by love, but also by hurt - hurt for others. And so, entrusting my soul to God,  I apply my mind where my heart leads...

It hasn't always been this way. I was raised on a solid christian home and was sheltered to some extent from "unhealthy" influences. And yet, I wasn't right; something was missing and I didn't know what it was. Now I do - it was my heart. Due to reasons I don't understand I had walled it off, shut it up and shut it down; I was leading my heart with my mind. God changed this when is was 18, He reached down in the dysfunctional mess of my life and cracked the shell around my heart with a sense of His love. Since then, I have been hurt, discouraged, broken - used more than I ever had; and yet, despite my habit of taking the reins from God's hands, He always takes them back when I'm about to die and gives me sufficient encouragment to continue living.

So...
I do this for me, to help me work through my thoughts. And I do this for God, because He first loved me. My posts will vary with my outlook on life - they'll go up and down. Some will be positive, some will be negative. But do keep in mind that these are just my thoughts, not God's laws. I'm fallible and my thoughts are too - but He's not.