I pledge allegiance to my Father, for I know I am His son...

It is strange the ways God chooses to answer our prayers. It is definitely not from a worldly point of view - He decides according to thought processes that we can not understand. He chose to answer my prayer that night. Well, it wasn't like a flash of light or a sudden inner cleansing - it was simply that He attached my mind to my heart. And all that knowledge, an biblical truth that I knew and had learned (and been told over and over) flooded my heart. I wasn't at that moment either, it was the next morning talking with mom (one of the many times) and I suddenly realized that all my dysfunction, all my anger and resentment, all the failure and pain, all of my intolerance of weakness, everything, was a result of living in the reality of an orphan. I needed to prove to God. I needed to be good enough to be accepted, I couldn't tolerate imperfection, because it meant that I wouldn't be accepted. I needed to earn God's love, to earn His attention. And that was my reality. And all God did was reveal to my heart that He loved me. And do you want to know something, I think it was at that moment that I was "saved". I honestly believe that I wasn't His child until that moment. Because it wasn't until that moment that I gave Him my heart. I understood at that moment that He had accepted me as His son, not because of my worth but because of His love - the love that my heart craved to find. He had rescued my life. I say 'moment' for lack of a better word, but really it was a weekend; no sudden  "Aha" moment, just a perceivable relief that deepened with each passing moment. A relief that turned to joy  because my burdens were being relieved.

My story continues, it is still moving onward today. Out of the freedom God gave me I have realized a lot about myself that I had always kept hidden. I'm compassionate, caring, sensitive, emotional, empathetic, loving, vulnerable - in short, everything that I had considered weaknesses. And this is who I have become because of God's love for me. I suppose this part of my story is a lot shorter than the "darker' part, but if that is so, it's because this reality is so much harder to put into words - maybe it is just something that has to be lived. I'm different than a lot of people think I am - and that's because they knew a "manufactured" Craig, either a healthier or harsher one; whatever one I used to isolate myself from the individual. I'm not perfect by any means, I still struggle with all the remaining baggage - and it will define me for my whole life. But I am changing, and I am changing for the better - thanks to God.

I want to make a difference, I want to help others find understand what has given hope to live again. I see people in pain and I hurt with them. I see pictures of me everywhere, and I want to help them out of it. It's not sympathy, it's not charity - it affects my life, and may cost me it one day. When I see myself, I know that the only way out for them is to get them to reach out, and the only thing that I know will make that happen is if they find someone who will not walk away. Someone who can take all the abuse that will be heaped on them, someone that can endure pain to the depth that they will be hurt without turning away. That's what brought me out, and that the only thing that I can do to help - allow myself to be pushed, but to never walk away. And I try, but I can't, my baggage is still there, I don't endure, but that's not what this is about...

It's about why I do this, it's about why I analyze, it's about why I love, it's about why invest, it's about why I try to make a difference in my small sphere of influence. Because I know the value of one person. Because, if it means the life of a soul, what does it matter whether my heart is torn asunder - to make a difference in one person's life, I will give my own...it's what Christ did for me, Thanks be to God.

I wish I could cry...

There was another time in my life...

I want to share some about my own life - to take a break from analyzing life and just "relive" it. It is something that always brings me hope. And I guess I want it to do the same for you...

I have not always been who I am now; I haven't always had an open heart that I wear on my sleeves; I haven't always been caring and compassionate; I haven't always been emotional and sensitive. This vulnerability is something new to me.
I suppose I was a typical "Christian kid"; I grew up with parents who were God-fearing and we went to church every Sunday, had bible studies during the week, prayed before meals. My childhood was somewhat sheltered from "destructive" influences and I took "healthiness" for granted. I suppose I was 4 or 5 when I "became a Christian", said the prayer, etc, and moved on, never seriously questioning what it had meant to me.

And so I grew up...

But something was wrong. I went to church, went to bible studies, lived the life that looked right, but inside I was deteriorating. I was fighting something, but I could never define it; I was craving something, but never I knew what. And I was bitter. I don't know when I first noticed it - it came on slowly. It was dark and discouraging, and deep. It wasn't a mild resentment like what results when you don't get your way, it was a smothering veil that settled beneath my surface. I grew tired of church, I grew tired of God, I grew tired of believing, and I grew tired of life. I was stuck with this anger that I couldn't control - it wasn't rage, and I actually have a hard time calling it anger - it was more like extreme withdrawal or suppressed rage. And I d
couldn't find the root. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I prayed, I cried, I pleaded, but what came wasn't the answers I was looking for. I studied the bible, read every self-help book on anger, and listened to people tell me that I needed to not be selfish and to not expect my way. But I couldn't agree, I could sense that the root was elsewhere. And tried to find it, but couldn't.
And I withdrew. It didn't seem to have much to do with my anger, I didn't consider it a problem at all actually. I just thought that I was made that way. I aspired to be unemotional, unaffected by people, and to be like a machine - like Sherlock Holmes. I wanted to be pure driven by logic, untouchable by any "weakness" and unmoved by it. I refused to get "close" to people, and took no pains to avoid hurting them. I shut myself up so deep that no one could reach in. And I dared them to, because I knew that no matter how much they pitied me, that they didn't love me - and I would prove it by hurting them until they dropped me, turned and walked away. And in the bitter hurt of those moments I would laugh with pain, because I knew that it would end that way. I wanted to be someone who would discourage any sort of help, I wanted to scare people from trying to reach out to me, I wanted to push everyone so far away that no one would ever have hope of trying to touch me - and I did, as effectively as I could.
And my "aloneness" only caused me to recede further, every person I succeeded in "breaking" only made me withdraw further. I was digging a hole that could not be filled by another.
I never questioned whether the bible was absolute or not, I never doubted that God existed, and as far as my "beliefs" went - I could answer any theological question logically. I knew what I believed! It was all there - and that is what I wore on the outside. And as long as that is what people saw, I never sensed that they bothered to dig and see if I was okay inside. And if they did, it was to give themselves some "goodygoody" feeling that they had "helped" someone in need. And that hurt me more
I detested church, shunned Christians, avoided bible study - and yet cried to God still. Picturing Him as some unemotional Father that expected perfection from His children and expected them to come up with it. Can you picture an orphan? Throwing every effort into proving that he is worth being loved and accepted? And the rejection and hurt that he feels every time he fails? That was me. I would have given anything to be out of that snare, but I loved being in it. And the internal battle raged - it still does.
And I gave up, I gave up trying and accepted my reality. I was good at being all the people I was  - I learned  to cope with the pain in life, with the rejection. I was done with trying to find a better life. And I had unconsciously disguised myself from myself, so that I deceived myself and others effectively.

People hurt me, God hurt me, friends hurt me, family hurt me - I hurt me. And I detested myself for that sensitivity. But I knew I needed to survive so I had to cope. I refused myself emotions, I refused myself feeling, I refused myself sensitivity, I refused myself relationships, I refused, well, myself. I had manufactured different "craigs" for different situations to keep myself untouchable, I had knew how to treat people to avoid closeness. And if they "threatened" my heart (by reaching for it and caring for me) I was a good enough judge of people to find their most sensitive spot and I hit them there  I knew that if I pushed everyone away, eventually they would all turn and walk away. And if they didn't make themselves vulnerable, but only approached me out of a desire for personal satisfaction at helping someone - I put on one of the manufactured personalities, the one that I sensed would convince them that I was healthy. So against the two types of people that approached me, I could hold my own. And of the two, the ones that threatened me the most were the former type, the ones that did approach me vulnerably and with genuine care, but the more threatened I felt the more "aggressively" I retaliated - I actually enjoyed hurting them enough to shut them up, just like me.

And I still grew up...

I don't suppose I want to explain anymore in this direction, I think it is understandable and I don't think I want to go any deeper. Suffice to say, it only got darker. But, I happened to be invited into a bible study, like many before, and despite not wanting to, also like many before, I attended. It was a study on Sonship, and it was less of a bible study and more of an internal reflection. And in answering the questions posed about myself I starter to reveal things about myself I had never realized. I continued to go to the study, and to answer the questions - alternately ignoring my own dysfunction and realizing it, dependent on what situation I was in. All of life was dark to me, I never had a climax - so to speak - I had dulled myself to every feeling, and I had done so some years before. But I know that I struggled over the course of the study, struggled with things that I had long since given up on - but honestly, most of the struggling was only at the study, and more with trying to "Leave the Bible at the Study" (so to speak). Anyways, sometime early spring (mid march, to be exact), after the study had been going for some months, there was an assignment given. It was to share with someone outside the study (and outside our "christian" circles) what it meant to us to be "Son's of God". I don't suppose that I was anything that I hadn't heard before - and I knew that I wasn't going to share with anybody, simply because it meant nothing to me. But I prayed that evening that of God wanted me to share with someone, He was going to have to let me know what it means - otherwise, no-go. By now I knew He wouldn't answer, but I prayed, maybe because I hadn't completely given up...And then fell asleep doubting God...

But God did answer.

And that will be another post...

Listen to a new song

...if the sound of love is a breaking heart; then you haven't stayed to hear the melody...




Switchfoot - Yet

East is East and West is West (and never the twain shall meet); but why are humans in-definitive?

I don't like to make generalities - they are weak points in a logical progression. Stereotyping is also a logical fallacy. But there in nothing wrong with deduction, the difference is that here, your stereotypes based on general deductions are constantly changing - the more data processed, the more absolute the principle (if anyone followed that...well, that's great - it's somewhat of a paradox). Ha, I love reasoning...

I made a generality in my post, Alexithymia, a stereotyping generality. Generalities are not a normal thing in my posts, and if I ever make one I will point it out. But I made this one with the understanding that I would later have to build a support structure beneath it, or bail from it. And now I want to start building - and bailing...

I want to bail from my "persona"; I'm afraid that if I retain it I will not be understood. I have been approaching this "idea" form a strictly logical point of view (over the past week), and I have been reveling in it - I want to lose that. I don't want to treat humanity (the subject of this post) like that in front of whoever may read this post. This "idea" entails a lot, but I wonder how much is healthy to pursue. And coupled with that fear is that God created man, and I'm confident that no amount of data will sufficiently allow me to categorize His "crowning creation" absolutely. So, I'm going to demonstrate my position with "emotional" facts (now that is a paradox!); I hope that it is understood better this way.

The idea that I've been toying with is that there are two types of people in this world - those who express the emotions in the scenarios of life, and those who express their emotions through them. I suppose that I'm not naive enough to assume that this principle is black and white - I know little enough about humans to know that there can always be exceptions to any such principle. And I think the most important thing to keep in mind throughout all this is that the "realm" each person happens to be in only affects their reality, not their personality (and it is interesting to note that the two are easily confused). Personalities are what throw a curveball at every principle that attempts to categorize people - and as such, I imagine that categorizing personalities absolutely will remain an elusive feat, forever...

Of the two realms, the former contains the people that tend to leave the biggest impression on society.  
This type of person naturally absorbs the emotions of whatever situation they are in. It is natural for them to be change their mood rapidly, as their environments change. And the emotions they express tend to be less "personal" and more generic - and as such they can relate to many people at the same time and to the same depth, although it may be somewhat shallow. They make better classical musicians - able to percieve the "emotion" of the piece and express it without clouding it with personal feelings. They make stable, "sympathetic" friends, ones that are able to keep issues in realistic/longterm perspective and not to blow them out of proportion because of the feelings involved. It's not that they are aloof, or unable to feel, it's just that they are less affected by "animate" emotions and more affected by "inanimate" ones (maybe "personal" would be a better word to use). The reason why I said that this reality type tends to be more "impressionistic" is because they are more outgoing, influencial in a broader way - and their legacy (so to speak) is left with more people, although the legacy tends to be less "vivid" and personal.

The latter type of person seems to be less common; either as a result of there being fewer people in this realm, or simply because they are more withdrawn. They express emotions through life, dependent upon the situation they are in at the moment.They cannot express themselves through all scenarios, only through a select few. And so, for them, life tends to be a sort of closet who's door is only open at certain times; when it is closed, it is dark and lonely; when it is open, it is intense and hard to control. They swing from being walled up and untouchable to being vulnerable and unstable, but their overall mood is very slow to change. Their feelings are personal, specific and "exhausting" and that makes relating very difficult. But in the few cases where it occurs the relationship is deep and whole-hearted, almost "passionate". To contrast, if the former type of person makes better classical musicians, this latter type tends to make better "contemporary" musicians (think rock/alternative not hiphop); using music as a "door" to express themselves. They tend to be "swayable" and "empathetic" friends; intensely focused on whatever issue on hand - a perspective based on the moment and the feelings involved. Emotions are personal and therefore they are hurt easily, and that causes them to withdraw back into their "closet". Their influence is not broad, but it is deep.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Personalities (either real or manufactured) easily disguise a person from unobservant eyes; but if personality factors are removed it seems that only these two types of people would remain. And the most important thing is that it is not for an outside person to determine which of the two types an individual is - or, I should say that it is possible to guess, but it can never be determined for certain without being the individual.

I'm the latter, how about you...?

- This taken me two weeks to write -

Love can give a little more...

I have lived life in a very different mindset than I do now. That is; I considered pain to be the last result of everything. I might be given temporary reason to rejoice, but pain would soon follow - and it might even go back and forth awhile, but in ever increasing increments pain would return; and it was always going to be the last. 

I lived in a reality where pain was the deepest feeling I would ever experience. 

And it was very close to being true - I could tolerate a lot of abuse (still can), more than anyone else I know. But once I was hurt (and I guarded myself very effectively against that) I reacted - I recoiled and withdrew. I never have been very expressive, even as a baby. But pain would cause (and still can) an extensive external reaction, nothing else I experienced came close to even making my face twitch. So I considered pain greatest...

But I was wrong; pain is not the strongest feeling, it doesn't have the last say in everything. And I could have seen this all along if I would have been observant. And do you know why?

Pain has never made me cry. 

The hardest thing for me to do is cry - actually cry; to allow a tear to slip down my cheek. Allowing myself that depth of uncontrollable feeling is the hardest thing I can do. I always sense it coming and stop it. And pain can never make me cry.

Relief does.

Relief from pain. Joy and happiness have triggered me to sob convulsively. Pain has never so much as caused me to wink an eye. Love breaks me down. That's how I know that pain is not the end of life - it has been beaten by Christ. And there is now something deeper. 

Want to see me cry? Rip my heart to shreds and all you'll have left is my steel casing. But, patch my heart - even a small part - and I will turn away so that you don't see me experience the strongest feeling on earth...