All in a Family

Agree with me or not, God designs; and what He designs is good. With this week of rest has come the ability to remember. And as my thoughts have traveled over the past year, I have been caught by the change that has come about in my life - physically, mentally and spiritually. But more so, I have noticed the value and role of family in all that change - mostly grandparents. In my mind, I firmly believe that last fall was the time-frame that I moved from being a guy into a man; and that is not because I learned (kinda) how to live apart from my parents, but because of the spiritual and mental maturity that came to be mine during that time. What I was able to discern this last week was that the maturity that I found, was really given to me by the Holy Spirit working through my grandparents as they lived with me each day and spoke truth into my broken mind. Their influence changed me; and because of their obedience to God, I am in a position today to deal with the struggles of cancer in the way that I have. In light of this, I have re-written that cute little phrase that grandmother's like to hang on plaques above the sink (or written on little pictures on the wall). That is - Grandparents are a gift from the Lord.


So what am I really saying? Well, I'm trying to say that God designed family, and He designed it with a purpose. And that purpose accomplishes many things when it functions in the way He designed it. To say it simply; God knows the value of grandparents, of the older generation teaching the younger, and He has blessed me with Mema and Papa (and blessed me through them). For they were (and have been) a witness of God's love to me, a beacon of His light in the darkness around me, and part of His hand changing me into the man that He created me to be. And that is the benefit in God's design of family.  

Thank you God for Family...

It's funny how things change

Life is different now; I guess it will never be the same. But I don't want to leave everyone feeling like they just finished listening to an Anberlin song (although they are very insightful songs). I was encouraged by a friend from our church to journal some of the thoughts that I had accumulated over the course of the last few months - journal them now that I had a week off of treatment and felt sufficiently energized to do so. I have shared a lot with people who have stopped in to say hi and offer encouragement to me; but verbal communication is easier (and goes two ways) than writing, so I've fallen lax in this department. Anyhow, here's to Mr. Cleveland and Aunt Valerie, thanks for the reminder to write.

It's not about me. Ha, we all know that, don't we. God is in control and His desire is for His creation to love Him. And as we talk about "being used" to complete His purpose, we are alluding to the reality of our insignificance and His importance. I guess this has taken on a little deeper meaning for me in the cancer process. See, I have understood that my actions and words and thoughts were to be about God, for God, and under God's direction. But I realize now that when it came to physical things, such as money or possessions, I didn't treat them as thought they were about God - I treated them (and considered them) to be about me. You know, like I thought that as long as the outcome of how they were used was glorifying to God then it didn't matter how they were used. I guess it's not my intention to say that I have learned to treat everything as though it belongs to God, but the thought that has captivated my mind is that even my cancer (something that is, physically, only affecting me) is not about me. I cannot even claim that this illness is only about me, neither can I claim that the good that comes of it is only for me. That is such a paradox for me to grasp - That not only is life not about me, but I am not about me... And yet, even in this I have no resentment (it isn't really something to be resentful of), for I know that God does love me - and it is a knowing that is deeper than anything I claim to understand, but that is a different post:)))


 - maybe more unfortunate is the person who thinks they no longer need to learn...*




*see Look At it in a Different Light on January 18, 2012 

When a day seems like a lifetime, a lifetime seems too long

It's been two months - seems like forever. In the last few days I've finally let myself remember; one of the many things that I haven't done (it's funny what coping mechanisms the mind uses to protect itself). Here's some of what has come flooding back...

Washing my Saab in Mema and Papa's driveway during the rain
Talking with the other youth at Ridgeveiw church
Shingling roofs in Birmingham with Micha and Wilson
Rink-ratting in Cloquet with other hockey nuts
Running on the local country roads
Hearing the the doctor say "well, there is no easy way to say this.."
Meeting my treatment team
Chemo, pain, infection, nightmares
Being with extended family coming to show support
Watching friend after friend walk through my hospital door to say, "we're praying bud..."

The last two months have been hard; every day feels full, like I have to erase my hard-drive each night in order to make room for the next day - and that is exhausting. And then there is the fear, fear that tomorrow I may not have the strength to go on; but there-in lies the gist of trusting God.
It used to be easy for me to talk about trust in God; you know, He is omnipotent, holy, loving, etc. But trust has taken on a whole new level this past week. First, I have to explain that this last week was, by far, the hardest and scariest week that I've had, I mean there were times that I just wanted to hold Mom's hand (something I haven't done since I can't remember when). I had reached the point where I just needed comfort - like a little child. And I realized, it's one thing to trust something "is" and it's another thing to trust that something "will". And it's one thing to sit inside yourself and have trust in God's power to mold and form you into the person he wants you to be, and it's another thing to trust Him enough that you let Him in to sit by you and comfort you - because you know that He can and will. So, if we're talking in the context of lessons, it seems that God has Trust in store for me to learn. It's not in people that we can rely, it's only in God; and He will come in and comfort - I say that not from experience, but for hope...

And another thing; trust is a habit. The more common that something is, the easier it is for us to trust that it exists. And the difficulty - like any habit - is breaking whatever pattern is in place (or lack of pattern) and replacing it with the new pattern. And the only way for that new pattern to replace the old is to let the new happen (or to actually initiate it); and the more it happens - the more habitual it will become. So, for me, that means that I continue to wake up every morning even though I lack the strength to face each day; it means that I take my thoughts captive and refuse to worry about tomorrow even though I know that it will be one more day than I have the ability to face.

And about taking thoughts captive...
That's a habit as well; it's the self-control to stop thinking about the lies that Satan tries to discourage us with and to focus on the truth. And the only way to do that is to "do that", when the valley is too long and dark and our mind is overwhelmed with the lies we choose to turn from the dark and think on God and the light that is always present...